You Are The High Priestess

You represent mystery - secrets that are yet to be revealed. You find yourself sitting between two worlds: one dark, one light. You tend to hold these two worlds in balance, reconciling the two. Open and welcoming, you invite others to learn your secrets. Your fortune: Something hidden, or latent, in your life is about to come forward. You need to pay more attention to your dreams, thoughts, intuition, and imagination. And if that involves tapping into your dark side, it will all balance out in the end. You have a lot of potential dying to be unleashed, so let those gates open!

What Tarot Card Are You?

Tapping into my dark side?!? I don't need to tap into it anymore than I have already!

This morning Jan-Jan and I went through the grandparents old house (they have moved to a small place) and I am now the proud owner of:

A decanter (spotty and oddly patterned and a little bit chipped)
Salad serving spoons
A moulinex blender
An old camera
A sailor doll that needs some TLC
Some wooden patterned eggs
2 lace hankies
A hair dryer

Not a bad haul for an hour. We're debating about keeping the Heals glass coffee table that I used to lay under when I was a child pulling faces at anyone who cared to put their coffee on it...I'd love to have it but not sure if there's enough room in the flat.

I also removed a dead mouse from the front room (dealing with dead animals is a recurring event in my recent life - Hecate is meddling too much with me methinks!)

Today is busy at work. Getting ready for a work visit to Brighton tomorrow and trying to sort out various other bits and bobs. I've asked by boss for some time off soon as I'm clearly not coping very well with the darkness that surrounds me. I don't think that I had enough time after my dad's death to really deal with the impact that it would make on my life. Boss was very good about it and agreed that I didn't take enough time. Hopefully the week break that I have during the first week of June will get me back onto the straight and narrow (or back onto the crooked and wide maybe!)

Sunday was wonderful (elephant madness, cuddling of lovely babies, pulling faces with cute little girls, nice lunches, catching up with mates, gifting left over sandwiches to the visiting burners at the mile end rat house, getting lovely pressies from Russia, ordering lovely amber from Russia) but now it is Monday and my life has once again fallen into the darkness...this fucking life!

My little bro is doing a sponsored swim with sharks for sense Scotland (who support sensory-impaired disabled children and adults in Scotland). He needs to raise £500 to be able to take part and swim with sharks, which is a life long ambition of his.


I really hope that you can help - any donation would be welcome!

Follow this link: Dash’s Sense Scotland page

You scored as Socialist. <'Imunimaginative's Deviantart Page'> Socialist 100% Green 92% Anarchism 92% Democrat 67% Communism 42% Republican 33% Fascism 17% Nazi 0% What Political Party Do Your Beliefs Put You In? created with QuizFarm.com

A bit of mememe before I leave work!

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	5.1
Mind:	3.8
Body:	3.6
Spirit:	6.3
Friends/Family:	4.7
Love:	7.7
Finance:	7.1
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Wonderful weekend in Hastings - we saw May Day in by rising before dawn to join the Morris Men on the Ladies Parlour to help dance the dawn in...it was pissing down. We lasted 1/2 hr before we went onto to a surreal breakfast at the Beacon, a mix of clubbers who had been up at night and over tired hippies. After this adventure I went back to Jan's to catch up on sleep, when I woke the Morris men had done their work and it was really sunny (although windy). Later in the day we went onto the castle for more Morris men madness and down to Hastings town centre to admire the bikers who congregate en masse on the seafront:

We ate fish baps, watched kids kick dead fish at their dad and got sunburnt. The journey home was the usual bank holiday affair – an annoying, drunk, loud South African, a drunk arguing couple and annoying children. Got back to London and vowed to move out of it as soon as I can, dirty, horrible, place, full of paranoid, wanky fools – I could feel my blood pressure rising as we pulled into London Bridge.

He was a hero of mine, a beautiful, ranting, despairing troubadour...but I can't take any more shameful acts from the man. Living the dream, fuck forever, searching for Albion...no, no, NO, you will not find Albion in a grotty, heroin and crack soaked flat in east london, you wanker.

Now fuck off out of my sight you useless twat!

Today has descended into finance nightmare...I need to get some bloody confidence with the accounts. I am actually quite bright (if I do say so myself) and I'm the only person I know that keeps a spreadsheet of my own personal finances - why oh why can't I cope with business ones?

From a fuck up, no money, oh fuck what are we going to do to a it's ok, we're ok, in the space of an hour and a half - man, am I looking forward to the long, bank holiday weekend. My heart and stomach acid wasn't made for this!

I'm meant to be in the gym but I'm still at work...got caught up in updating the webs*ite. Might have to force myself to get up early and go then instead. I'm also hoping to do an aqua class in the gym by work on Friday (which I'll have to pay for but my gym membership doesn't have any aqua classes - the buggers!).

I was at counselling last night and I realised that I'm still really angry about my dad dying. Angry at him for leaving me, angry at how we were dealt with at the hospital, angry that we didn't have longer with a sober dad, angry that we had so long with a drunk dad, just plain angry at everything it seems! It feels like it all hurts much more at the moment because the mist of numbness and shock is only just lifting and I'm getting back to 'normal' me. I'm also swinging from thinking that I'm being ridiculously self indulgent to feel this way to screaming inside that 'my dad's fucking dead, what the fuck am I going to do!'.

Just venting is all...

At least when I went to the counsellor she let me know that a lot of my reactions are perfectly normal reactions to the death of a close relation. Bloody hell, it's been almost 5 months of craziness, I just want to get through this year.

I'm glad that our office will be closed for all of December as it means that I don't have to be working on the 'anniversary', I really don't think that I could take that.

My specialist bitching subjects at the weekend were men, chocolate, the DLR, work, computers, DVDs, crap music, annoying spam emails, hair dye, cold sores, coffee judders, fags, deodorant, my space, hand cream, pens that always run out of ink, race equality action plans for ACE which are 3 days late, xfm presenters, weight watchers yogurt and snack a jacks for snacks, ISAN members, periods, lack of sleep, sheets that don't fit mattresses, breakfast cereals, damp towels left on floors, having no clean clothes, headaches, plasterers, decorators that won't do a job for £80 (cash in hand!), intimidating decorators that think because you're a woman you have no idea what they are talking about, broken teeth, ladies magazines, diet magazines, being late for everything, spending too much time in bed playing backgammon on your phone because you can't sleep (and loosing!), the thirst for wine, teeth grinding, bosses (who are quite nice but sometimes useless - if you want me to do something, just ask me to do it - I can't read your mind!), ACE financial reports, website designers who you're paying £7.5K coming up with ideas that I could have pulled out of my arse....*breathe* *breathe* did I miss anything? Oh yes, Paul Weller emails that start 'Exciting News!' no it isn't, you're Paul Weller you haven't done anything exciting since the Jam (apart from the Wild Wood album but I'm not going to let that get in the way of a rant!)

I felt suprisingly better after getting a wee bit drunk on Friday night (a quiet drink in a local pub that ended up with me forcing people to drink absinth and tequila!). Saturday night I felt almost human again and popped around to the rat house to catch up on some bitching and wine drinking. Lovely Julie 'popped in' for a couple of hours (after a 24hr shift!) from Oxford to join in too, hurrah!

I was meant to do sensible stuff like go to the Tate this weekend but I just stayed in bed (only leaving to stock up on food from the corner shop) and watching Sharpe. Second part this evening - I will be rushing back from my counselling session for it (nevermind about my mental stability, I want some Sean Bean hero worship!)

I was told at the weekend to release my ego...I think it may have gone too far!

You Are 86% Evil

You're the most evil person you know. The devil is even a little scared of you!

How Evil Are You?

Went to see the Mighty Boosh last night - really enjoyable (and removed me from my woes for 3 hrs!). I now have an even bigger crush on the lovely Howard TJ Moon (AKA Julian Barrett). Here, see, a picture of him sucking a lolly:

Julian: "Are you aware of the music known as jazz?"
Noel: "Jazz, what's that, 1984, Matt Bianco (sings badly) What is lo-o-o-ove anywa-a-a-y, does anybody love anybody anyway?"
Julian: "No, jazz. You fear jazz. You fear the lack of rules, the lack of boundaries. Oh look, it's a fence. But, no, it's soft."

and here's a picture for all you Noel fans:

I improved last night - worked out in the gym for ages, vented my anger then went to see the ladies and met Carla's mum and saw Jessie's wedding dress but then I went and spoilt it all by eating 1/2 a chocolate egg for breakfast and 3 chocolate bars and 2 bags of crisps for lunch today...arses.

The irony! What? It made me laugh. Ok, if I'm honest it made me laugh a hard, hollow, bitter laugh as I thought about the futility of life...god, I'm in a fucking bad mood. Yesterday I was happy and full of life and today I was late for work (30 mins late for work, WTF?) and I can't get anything finished (some things I can't even start), I'm eating too much and I feel like shit. When and how did I get so lazy and unmotivated?

What is the music world coming to?

Simon Amstell and Miquita Oliver are leaving Popworld

Rapper Proof is shot dead

Jack White sells his soul for Coke

I now have a coldsore...I woke this morning to a tell tale tingle on my top lip. Cue manic searching for Blistex Relief Cream. Loaded a huge amount on there but I'm too late, the dreaded blisters have gain strength over the day and now I'm looking like a plague victim.

And, I'm still croaking.

Went a bit crazed on books again. The boyf has mentioned that there are too many books in our home and that he doesn't want to live in a library!

Currently reading Perfume, The Story of a Murderer by Patrick Süskind and The Poems of Rowan Williams. Both are amazing, I'm really enjoying them.

Sore throat and cough is still with me. I've taken to drinking purdeys , wearing a scarf, sucking halls max strength lozenges, wiping myself in Vicks VapoRub and swigging cough medicine at all times. The heating has also stopped working in our office so I'm regularly putting my coat on too. I look like a bum...

I also wrote up all my to do things in a new notepad in a hope that it would make me feel more motivated. It only made me motivated to go to the shop and buy chocolate and more cold and flu painkillers.

...and now Creep by Radiohead is playing on the radio. Joy.

Boyf will only let me go away for Easter if I'm better. If I don't go away, I will sulk in my room eating all the Easter Eggs by myself.

The weekend was fantastic fun, the boyf and I arrived in Oxford on Friday evening and had dinner out with Eddy and Julie where we all laughed too much and then we all got an earlish night. This didn't however stop my throat becoming razor blades and sneezing maniacally.

Saturday was spent having lovely breakfast and waiting for the latecomers (the first was meant to arrive between 11am - 12noon but didn't get there until 4pm). Once we'd got most people together, a gang of us went into Oxford betted on the grand national and ate lunch at the Buttery...afterwards we ended up in pub (surprise) and waited for everyone to join us. We popped back to Julies to get ready to go out. The went for an Indian up the road and the popped back to Julies for Big Al's cocktails and champagne. We went onto a club and caused havoc - beer fights, dancing like twats and trying to avoid fights with goths! Went back to Julies for an extension of naughtiness during which I was force fed vitamin C tablets by Jess, became an agony aunt for a while, drank too much and then went and passed out in bed.

Sunday was spent recovering, eating full English breakfasts and taking the piss out of each other for bad behaviour the previous night. Sent boyf to pick up my winnings from the Grand National - a whole £2.25!

We'd all recovered enough by around 8pm so we went to eat very slowly served Sushi.

Then we had to go back to London. Journey home was lovely - George our driver was lovely and me, the Boyf, Hels, Jess and Turtle put the world to rights and we were driven through a wonderful snow storm (which had, of course, turned to cold horrible rain by the time we got back to London).

Back home to our new matress (28 cm wide deep- very cosy indeed) and tried not to die during the night. Today I have bought meltus for chesty coughs, nurofen cold and flu and halls max strength lozenges - if that doesn't get rid of my illness I don't know what will...

This week has been full of fun outings.

Seth Lakeman played at Carling Islington Academy on Tuesday. It was a pretty good evening although the audience were pretty awful - odd mix of crazy folk women (you know the type - dancing off the beat, waving hand about their heads, shaking there long henna'd hair in your face), posh totty and loud drunks. Trying to ignore the people around us, I tried to concentrate on the music. Really enjoyable but felt a little 'too polished'...when you see folk music it's usually in the pub and is played by rough old men! To see a lovely looking young man playing so beautifully was odd however, I really enjoyed it (bought the new album there and have had it on constant play since!)




Graham Coxon played at the Hammersmith Apollo on Wednesday. What can I say apart from he was absolutely bloody marvelous. Wonderful songs ranging from manic energy ones to quiet completative ones. Boy can he play guitar. The happy, bouncy energy that you get after a good gig lasted me and boyf all the way home on the district line...




Then for something a little different: Les Ballets Trockadero de Monte Carlo at the Peacock Theatre yesterday with Hels and Richie (both of whom were in very silly moods, me? I'm never silly!). Fantastic show, men in frock exploring the comedy in trad, modern ballet. What makes it so great is that they can actually dance (and en pointe which is amazing to behold). I don't think that I've laughed as much before at Swan Lake Act 2 and the dying swan (white feathers everywhere!). They are performing the UK again in September and you must buy tickets.

This weekend I'm going to Oxford for Julie's b/day celebrations. There will be 11 plus guests all squeezed together - it's a bloody good job we all know each other!

I don't often remember my dreams, possibly due to the weird religious/horror dreams I had when I was younger. Recently, some have been sticking in my mind including one where I'm with Jess and we are going to see Richie in his attic room. We're blocked on top of the stairs by a small toy-sized tank that starts barking at us that we can't pass, we step around it and it starts to fire bullets at us...they feel like sharp stones on my legs as I pass. We fall into Richie's room and he's packing all his stuff to move away, he says that he's got everything except his boat. We look into the middle of the room and there's a pond. He dives in and swims out to the boat in the middle of the pond. He gets smaller and smaller and then starts to drag the boat back in to shore. As it comes to the edge, we realise that it's actually the size of a real boat and Richie is dragging it towards us. We start screaming and all goes black.

There was also the one where it turned out that my dad had fathered another child that he didn't know about and his mum was saying that we (my brother and I) couldn't ever see our little brother. I woke up so bloody angry at the mum (even though in actual fact she's a family friend and their is no way that her son is my dads!)

Shall I, as my boyf suggests, contact the priory now?

This weekend I have mainly done:

• A gym/swim visit that lastest 2hrs
• Ran away from a child in the pool who was spraying Hels and I with water
• Done 20 sit ups in a row (whoo-hoo *rambo music plays*)
• Failed to do any push ups (even in the girl stylie)
• Had a lovely grown up lunch with boyf and Helski
• Fucked about for a whole day with friends
• Showed a dead rat to teenage girls in the street
• Carla, Hels, Leo and I buried said rat in Tower Hamlets cemetery Park (not a pet rat you understand, a real life dirty bin rat...it had made it's home in the ladies house only to die the other night, Hels insisted that we give it a proper send off)
• Got locked in Tower Hamlets cemetery Park
• Had a massive Chinese/Thai dinner at the ladies
• Tidied up the flat with boyf on Sunday
• Tried to go out on Sunday to a club - didn't make it
• Baked a loaf of bread, ate loaf of bread

Woke up this morning quite happy and determined to get on with things. This week is busy at work and play...Seth Lakeman, Graham Coxon and Les Ballets Trockadero. Followed by a weekend in Oxford for lovely Julie's birthday. Hurrah!

Seven Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. Lose weight and get fit (the eternal goal)
2. To become less angry at the world (my inner gothy existentialist is alive and well and kicking bloody hard)
3. See the world (but only with the proviso of staying in 5* hotels with no backpackers of any sort anywhere in sight, daaaallinnn’)
4. Make my own jam and chutney (in a huge farmhouse kitchen with all my beautiful, chubby, grubby, little children hanging on my apron strings while my artist husband worships me slavishly – hurrah!)
5. See the Aurora Borealis with my family at my side while scattering some of my dad’s ashes because he never bloody got to see them before he died.
6. Write a play, direct a play and produce a play and see them all performed (to critical acclaim, of course!)
7. Take over the world….mmmmwwwhhhhaaaahhhhaaaa *strokes pussy* [insert you own jokes here]

Seven Things I Cannot Do:
1. Saying “no thank you, I’d like a diet coke” to offers of alcohol
2. Juggle (for this I am most happy)
3. Speak any foreign language (despite trying too, these things generally don’t stick in my head…apart from being able to ask for 2 cheese sandwiches in Dutch – I learnt that one when my brother and I ran like feral wolf children in Amsterdam one summer when we were 11 and 9 but that’s another story involving dope plant jungles, dirty old Arab men, our first glimpse of porno, canal boat robbing smack heads and a certain Mr Heiner Muller!)
4. Walk past a comic book shop without just ‘popping in’ and buying something
5. Be in the same room as a moth for any period of time (the horror, those dusty, flappy wings, I’m retching just thinking about them)
6. Avoid collecting anything shiny and/or glittery (magpie genes methinks). I have boxes full of ribbons, buttons, glitter and stars
7. Trust a Tory. I think that I actually have a physical repulsion to them. From Maggie stealing my milk (Maggie Thatcher, Milk Snatcher!) when I was just about to graduate to being head milk girl and my dad punching the TV when Maggie got voted in the early 80’s I have been moulded into a Tory hater. I get so upset when I find out that people have voted Tory that I have actually had to disown some acquaintances (I wouldn’t call them friends under any circumstances). Mind you don’t get me started on New Labour

Seven Things I Can Do:
1. Click my jaw and my fingers
2. Count to 31 on my hand when the thumb = 1, first finger = 2, middle finger = 4, ring finger = 8 and the little finger = 16. This is something my dad taught me and my brother to do one very boring day and it’s become a habit that I can’t stop doing when bored!
3. Knit badly
4. Sew reasonably well
5. Remember stupid pop facts that I read in Smash Hits when I was a little person.
6. Remember stupid indie facts that I read in NME or Melody Maker when I was a little older person
7. use random lines from Lee and Herring, Vic and Bob, Eddie Izzard, Bill Hicks or The Mighty Boosh routines to sum up any situation that I may find myself in (also well used to distract people from your naughty behaviour:

Boy/f *angry voice*: “why did you just do that?”

Boo *moon voice from Boosh*: “’cos I’m the moooon”

Boy/f *moon voice from Boosh*: “the full moon?”

Etc…

I allow you to admire my cunningness…)

Seven Things That Attract Me To….. Blogging:
1. I’ve always kept a diary and I’ve moved into the modern age, dudes
2. Visualised ranting (with pictures!)
3. I like the idea of clicking back and seeing how I was previously without raking through old storage boxes to find my diary from that period
4. I wanted to write a novel by the time I was 21 but I didn’t achieve that aim, so all of you must suffer my inane rants instead
5. eerrrh
6. errhh, ok, ok
7. My huge, glittery, rock star-like ego told me to do it.

Seven Things I Say Most Often:
1. ”Fuck off”
2. ”Fuck you”
3. ”No fucking way!”
4. ”You little shit”
5. ”To be fair…”
6. “Hello, [insert company name], how can I help you?”
7. ”No problem” (esp. when it clearly is a problem!)

Seven Books That I Love:
1. Lunar Park by Bret Easton Ellis
2. The Secret History by Donna Tartt
3. Anything by Philip Ridley - His kids books are fantastic, he truly is a Roald Dahl for the misunderstood generation. His grown up stuff is fantastic too (dirty reality mixed with beautiful, magical, fairy tales)
4. The Perfect Fool by Stewart Lee – a wonderful novel, laugh out loud funny and sob out loud sad.
5. Fuse: The Selected Work of Patrick Jones – despair, decay, the horrors of modern living and badly rhyming poetry – honestly, what more do you need from a book?
6. Self help – anything to try and make me into a better person because I know that I’m evil incarnate. I need these books to tell me that I eat too much, that I eat the ‘wrong’ foods, that I get too stressed, that I’m not creative enough, that my emotions are blocked, that the bullying I suffered as a child means that I can’t connect to people…Gillian McKeith, Julia Cameron et al you make my life not worth living.
7. Cook books with nice pictures, no Delia/Jamie/Nigella/etc I’m never going to get around to making that food but damned if you’re going to stop me buying your books and using them as torture implements/pornography (delete appropriate, according to mood and current diet limitations)

Seven Movies That I Watch Over and Over Again:
1. Rumblefish - slow moving, black and white except for the odd important colouring, beautiful, beautiful, please watch this film
2. Hairspray - Fat girl wins comp and fights racism alongside all the panache and joy of a John Walters film. Fantastic!
3. The Passion of Darkly Noon - Brendan Frazer all messed up, how yummy. Think of a really hot St Sebastian and you’re not even close!
4. Anything with Christopher Walken in - I mean anything – I’ve even watched the numerous rubbish films
5. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas - reminds me of many a night out
6. Cry Baby - beautiful 1950’s Johnny Depp with a tattooed tear, quiff and leather jacket…what can I say, we all have our weaknesses
7. Anything by Hayao Miyazaki - wonderful, bewitching coming of age stories to be enjoyed by kids and adults alike…

Seven People I’ll Try Passing This On To:
I doubt that 7 people read my blog!

During a bit of an ego moment I did a search on my name and look what I found!

National Kilburn Ballroom, London, Friday 11th Dec 1992
From: Teenage Suicide fanzine by Boudicca Lee Maloney

The first thing that hit me on the way to the concert was how friendly most Manic Street Preacher fans are. Not having ever been to the National Ballroom before, my friend and I were completely lost so we asked a lad for directions. He began to jump up and down and said "Oh great, you like the Manics. I'm going I'll take you there. Which one do you fancy?? etc".

We got there just as the Disco Assassins got on stage. No-one was very impressed with them. Next up were The Mouth. They were a lot better than the DA's both musically and performance wise.

When the Manics eventually came onstage the whole place went completely mad (thankfully, I didn't go down the front this time. I was determined to see them, not the back of some sweaty tall lad)

The whole show was amazing. The hilight being Nicky's rendition of 'I wanna be loved by you'. I suppose I'd better mention Nicky's controversial comment about Michael Stipe. Well it did piss me off even though I agree with the reasoning behind it because AIDS shouldn't be used as a way of getting publicity (even when it is bad) I know people who have lost lovers and friends through AIDS and others who just sit there watching loved ones die 'cos they can't do anything to save them. However, I'm sure Stipe isn't that upset about it and who else does it really affect, apart from the music press that is. No one. No one cares what other people say anymore. There's no real enjoyment from speech. Songs, however are different, they're so much more eloquent than the spoken word. I think that's enough of being serious, I'll get straight back to the review.

All of the band looked wonderful (not that you could see Sean, he was that far back) Richey was very glamorous in silver trousers and a netted top. James was in the usual white jeans and tee-shirt. Nicky had his pink shirt on with pictures of Marilyn plastered onto it and his black plastic trousers on.

The end song, Motown Junk was wonderful with Richey, James and Nicky really throwing themselves around. It was definitely the best I've seen them at for a while and I can't wait for the next tour - if they haven't split up by then, ha! ha!

Boudicca's editorial: Hello! Being only 15 years old I'm expected to be either into Take That or crap indie bands, but I hate them all and love the Manic Street Preachers. Not are they the only band that has really said anything to me in my lifetime, but they're the only intelligent band around. It was such a relief when I found that other people under 40 read the Beat Generation, William S Burroughs and other great writers and poets alike. So, in an effort to reach people I took this opportunity to produce a Manics fanzine as part of my GCSE in Media Studies. Special thanks to Fiona who helped me a lot.

My Goth past is a postive thing, hurrah!

I haven't been on the Manics Website for ages but after the weekend memories and Xfm Manchester interview, I had a quick look and found this on the top of the news section...I'm over excited!

"If September is your favourite month
If you love the sound of a typewriter
If you waste hours in stationary shops
If you watch BBC4
If you avoid crowds
If you adore the smell of fire
Then come join Nicky Wire's secret society"

Yes to all but BBC4 although I often wish I did have it...but we haven't even got the land line or internet sorted at the new home yet let alone sorting anything else out...

I had a lovely weekend in Hastings...we arrived around 9.30pm on Friday night and got driven up the hill to receive lovely, warming stew and dumplings served with red wine and hilarity. Admire mother's new nesting instinct - the study is cleared, painted beautifully and the biggest welsh dresser you have ever seen adorns one wall. The clutter of amusing, mis-matched crockery all over it. Dinner was followed by the new game in the Maloney household 'Therapy'. I've never played a game like it, no-one has learnt the rules yet so every move is followed by "is that group therapy or are you on my couch?". You have to pass the stages of life (Infancy, Childhood, adolescence, etc) by asking a variety of questions about yourself, the others around the board (some of which can cause offensive - who around this board was the ugliest baby?) and dubious questions about dubious studies from the 1900's! Lots of fun indeedy.

Saturday was spent pottering in the old town and new buying new things. We then met up with Mum and Lodger and went to all you can eat Chinese and stuffed ourselves silly. Lazy afternoon with Inspector Morse (weird teens taking drugs and rave episode - WTF!?) followed by lazy drooling over Cillian Murphy in 28 Days Later (much to the disgust of boyf who think he looks like a starving child...with girls eyes).

Lazy Sunday breakfast was followed by a drive to a new walking place, during the drive we found a tape that I had made for my dad with brit pop on one side and Manic Street Preachers b-sides and rarites on the other - the tape was covered in quotes from the songs and listening to it made me very happy indeed.

We stopped at Seven Sisters and Cuckmere Haven for a long stroll to the sea and back:


The stroll was followed by a well earned cream tea (3 scones and clotted cream!) in the cafe near the visitors centre. We took a different way back and drove past the Long Man of Wilmington:

We spent the drive back to Hastings discussing the different theories about the origins on the man...are the poles gates or dowsing sticks?

Return to London wasn't too bad and after the walk during the day I managed to get a good night sleep and was feeling pretty good when I woke up this morning. Positive vibes are all around...it's a good time to get myself sorted and back in the right direction. Emails will be sent, difficult people replied to, phone calls made and the gym beckons (there's the extra winter store of fat to be removed!)

The Lunch Club - Baron's Court Theatre

If you get the chance to go and see this play. Do. I went last night and it's really enjoyable (even though we did get lost in west London to get there!). It's laugh out loud, dark humour mixed with 'issues' arising from a racist attack. It discusses attitudes and prejudices but in an interesting, personal, non-preachy way. A really enjoyable evening.

It's also my friend Justin's first professional show as director, so go support him!

Clubbing on Friday night was lots of fun - I didn't leave the house until Sunday afternoon due to extreme hangover!

Main memories of the night:

• Sailor Jerry's rum
• Frank Sinatra glass collector looking down my corset at any time he could...
• Boy/f's wonderful knife thrower outfit
• Matthew's very dapper, shiny shirt
  
• Gary on nipple check with Damaris!
• Too drunk new friends that had to be escorted home before midnight
• Hels, Jess and I biting each others boobs (affectionately!)
• Flowers from Chris K and Matthew being left in the cloakroom and they were still perfect at the end of the night
• Missing bus stops due to fights with locals
• Oh my god, the hangover....

YAY, it's my birthday today (and I'm not finding it quite as hard as I though it might be). I've been convinced to invite friends around for birthday tea this evening and go clubbing on Friday; both should be fun. I've received a lovely silver charm braclet with a theatre mask charm from my mum:
I have to go and pick up my pressie from baby bro at one of my fave shops Bnevertoobusytobebeautiful. They are the grown up version of Lush and I often spend too much money on bits and bobs from there.

Not sure what I've got from the boy/f as we went shopping at the weekend and couldn't find anything suitably exciting (we did everywhere on Oxford St and in Camden).

Birthday tea should be fun - fairy cakes and real coffee make me very happy indeedy.

Gosh, I am a miserable bugger aren't I? Things, as they say, can only get better. I've stopped on the valium; I have resort to Nytol every now and then but sleep is getting easier (although my bedroom stinks of lavender and various nice smelly things!). The heartache of loosing my father is still with me everyday. It's difficult to listen to some music because I know that he'd love it (or hate it!). Feelings come over me in waves during the day, sat on tube, walking down the street, working on a boring work document...it's getting better though. These thought are not always negative anymore and even sometimes make me very happy and laugh out loud at the fantastic man that was my dad!

I managed to get a few days off work and spent some 'quality' time with my young man in Brighton. I also made moves to try and resolve some issues at work - sometimes speaking up and saying 'no' is a positive thing!

I'm still a bit delicate in social situations but have managed to have some fun - thank to the Fairy Uncle for the Liberace Suits; they went down a treat at my favourite new club. We're planning to go to celebrate my birthday in March too (circus this time - might go for the old favourite of 'show girls' and get the corset out).

I had lunch today with Jess which was great (esp after 3 hr workshop on VAT!). I got to see the engagement ring, very flash young lady. Now, I've just got to sort out the airfare to Las Vegas in September to go to the wedding - onward Valhallens!

Apart from that in September, I have very little planned over the summer. Work, I feel, will take over slightly for summer 2006...it's exciting but scary learning all these new things to do with event and production management and general office stuff!

Still not sleeping very well. I have some valium but don't really want to take it too often. I can't really cope though, my skin is itchy, my head in banging, my throat is sore, my temper is on the shortest fuse and I cry at the smallest thing, things that I could usually cope with without any problem. People keep telling me that I'm coping well with my grief but I don't feel like I am. I'm trying to keep afloat and do things that amuse me but it's quite difficult. There's things that I'd like to do this weekend but I'm so tired that I think that I'll just end up going home and trying to sleep and gather my strength for the endless and undoubtedly heavy-going work meetings next week.

I went to go to the gym last night. Realised that I didn't have my trousers and I'm no longer at school so I don't have to work out in my pants anymore! Instead Helen and I went for a swim but got distracted by the new stadium at Mile End (opening on the 13th Feb) and I ended buying a membership on the spot because the pool was so big and beautiful! Hopefully Helen and I will force each other into visiting enough to justify the membership (and go to the Turkish more often!)

Congratulations to Lucy, Kev and Grace. A new edition to the family - Billy!

Centre Parcs highlight (and lowlights):

• not being able to find the meet up car park in Richmond for over half an hour
• Babs Streisland in the car
• getting car sick
• flirting with Euro millions boys in the petrol station
• eating too many jelly sweets
• flumes and jungle river madness
• new pj's covered in glittery fairies
• rising early to watch the sun come up over the trees and spotting more nature in 3 hours than I have in 8 years in London
• nature trail walks
• crying because I'm jealous of all the happy families (with dads!)
• watching glitter from my pj's appear all over the villa
• 100 best videos on some random tv channel - Hels and I rocking out to Guns 'n' Roses and other out rock classics
• teaching barmen to make white russians (yummy!)
• a horrible chinese dinner but with a great gang of people (6 'welsh chavs' and 6 'middle class wankers'!)
• helium balloons
• Pancake House huge pancakes covered in ice cream and apples
• Aqua Sana Spa - wonderful experience - I chilled out in the meditation room, swam in the lovely outdoor pool, steamed in two different steam rooms, zen'd out in the zen garden, sweated in the sauna and refreshed by shivering in the ice fountain. Each room had it's own theme and it were decorated really well. The Indian Blossom steam room was my favourite I think
• goodbye dinner with the 'welsh chavs'

Brilliant time all in all, I whole heartedly recommend Centre Parcs for cheap fun holidays!

I'm going to Centre Parcs this weekend with Lornie, Hels, Jess, Richie and Chris K. We booked it ages ago because we're all usually miserable in January and now I'm really looking forward to it. You do have to pay extra for just about everything but I might treat myself to a few hours in the sauna and then a treatment (or two). It will also be a chance to say goodbye to Lorna as she's moving back home to Bournemouth next Tuesday. I've no doubt that we'll keep in touch and do lots of visits but it won't be the same as popping around after work to have a cup of tea with her!

It's a very changable time. I moved out of the 'rat house' in November, Lornie's moving out next week, Carla will move to Manchester in June/July and then Hels and Jess are going to terrorise the world after the summer (or the 'eat your heart out Thelma and Louise' epic). It's all bloody change everywhere. In some ways I feel like I'm going to be stuck in London forever, I have no idea about what I'm going to do next. Boyf and I are often bored of London but I really do like our little home. God knows what will happen. Also, with all 4 best friends leaving London this year I really should think about finding some new people to amuse me of an evening!

Is buying 10 books from a charity shop out of control behaviour?

I suddenly developed a frantic need for words. I'm clamboring for poems and stories and ideas. There's a lovely charity shop around the corner from my work and there's someone wonderful that hands in interesting books all the time. This week I've discovered Michèle Roberts' short stories about appitite and desire ("when asked the perennial question 'what do you write about?' Michèle Roberts, by her own account, likes to say 'food, sex and God'"), Carlo Gebler' Caught on a Train - 3 magical stories told to Irish youth and finally Michael Coleman's Tag. The last two are 'young adults' books but they are both written really well and both have wonderful, moving moments.

Last Saturday I enjoyed the latest Peter Ackroyd programme ‘The Romantics’ on BBC. Some parts were really crass - how many times do I need to see fake blood dropping onto cobbles to get that death was a big part of the French Revolution? For gods sake it literally rained blood during some footage. David Tennant as Rousseau and David Threlfall as Wordsworth were stand outs. Samuel Taylor Coleridge 'The Ancient Mariner' always brings a lump to my throat. My dad tried to learn it off by heart once...so, I know the first part particularly well!

Alone, alone,—all, all alone;
Alone on a wide, wide sea.
The Ancient Mariner. Part iv.

On a completely different note, I went to my doctor about my depression and she gave me Seroxatine. However, after 3 days of taking it I had a massive reaction against it. I was a work and found that I was unbearably happy - I was grinning at my monitor and laughing to myself. I decided to go for lunchtime swim to calm down but by the time I'd got back I felt like I was coming up on the best pill I've ever had. I was clammy handed, nervous, excited and becoming manic. I left work and went to see Lornie for a cup of tea. I spent around 2 hours picking things up, smiling at them and being generally weird! I went home, the boyf came in and demanded that I call NHS direct immediatly. Those of you who know me personally will know that I'm not a 'happy' person persay, I have dark moods that last for ages. I'm one of those people that look glum even if I'm perfectly happy inside! NHS direct nurse was lovely and managed to talk sense to me although I was rabbiting on...the emergency doctor called me back and told me to stop taking the tablets and to come down to the local Walk In Centre. He took one look at me and gave me lots of diazepam. He told me to take 4 (!) and then take 2 more (!) before bed. However, we couldn't find an open chemist and so the boyf had to put up with me manically climbing in and out of bed around 20 x that night. The next day I spent vomiting and suffering from what felt like the worst come-down ever. On the good side, I've been taking the diazepam and am now sleeping which has improved my mood and my brain functions (I have been being a little odd recently - loosing things, forgetting things, missing meetings, putting things in stupid places). At least I'm just back to the normal level of scattiness now...

These are for my dad. It's a picture of his first orchids that he grew from bulb which he sent to me for my birthday a couple of years ago. The grief is sometimes overwhelming but I'm getting there. This has made me realise how important my boy/f and friends are to me. They've all been great through this putting up with my panic attacks, changeable moods, demands for indulgence and general rattiness. A big thank you to you all xxx.

Lunchtime distractions from the general realms of despair that are surrounding me include typing random words into search engines and linking to the websites they suggest.

Today I put in Goths and Vampires and this appeared:

"All people suspected of being goths should have their bloodcounts regularly measured. If there is a shortfall, clearly they must be participating in Vampiric and Goth-like behaviour, in which case they can be sent to a place of Christian re-education"

I love this rant so much, a great joke and look at all the outraged goths replying below. Bless 'em.

I'm barely able to function. Everything is taking twice as long as it should. I feel as though I'm walking in syrup. My throat keeps contracting so I can't breathe. I'm scared. I sob on public transport. I can't sleep. When I do finally get to sleep, I can't wake up. I'm angry. I feel like screaming. I laugh. I'm manic. I stamp my foot and shout "it's not fucking fair".

Apparently these are all natural reactions to death.

I just miss my dad so fucking much.

Paul Lee Foxall

29/05/1948 - 05/12/05

"As they pulled you out of the oxygen tent you asked for the latest party"
David Bowie, Diamond Dogs

Oh. My. God. I've actually done it. I've moved in with the boyf. We were helped by among others, Helski and House which was quite amusing due to the sexual tension between them. It's not often that your moving helpers are taking their tops off, doing handstands and flirting outrageously!

The last two days has been spent:

1. spending almost all the monetary gift that my mother gave us to help us move in tesco's.
2. amazing at the amount of crap that the boyf and I have collected over the years. Key things said include "I've had this for over 25 years, it's not going under the bed!", "why, why, why do I need 5 types of body moisturiser" and with a sweeping hand "but all this shit is yours".
3. Hearing the boyf yell around 100 times "how gay am I?" as he produces more bathroom goodies or clothes from boxes/bags and picks up tablecloths and kitchen goodies from the shelves at tesco.
4. missing the house rats like crazy.
5. marvelling at how quiet it is without the rats.
6. Going to Lucy, Kev and Grace's for pre- and post-firework dinner and drinks in their wonderful new flat.
7. Watching and laughing at beautiful little Grace sleeping through all the fireworks.
8. missing my rats....whaahhh!

Geek Love

Google has saved my life so many times...surely there can't be something better?

SEARCH ENGINE OF THE MONTH
London-based Previewseek is a new search engine that hides nothing under a
bushel. It claims to be better than Google. First, say its founders, it's a
lot smarter. Type in "Java", for example, and if you are interested in the
island of Java, Google will make you click through 70 pages before showing
you anything relevant. Previewseek, on the other hand, will acknowledge that
the word has several meanings and provide definitions for each of them up
front. Did you mean Java the island, Java the coffee, Java the programming
language, or something else? Regardless of what you are looking for,
Previewseek also organises results based on related concepts to help you
further refine searches without the need to understand Boolean query syntax.
That said, Previewseek is a metasearcher at heart. It may have its own
patented set of exceedingly clever algorithms, but it applies them to
results gathered from other search engines, rather than spidering the Web
itself.
http://beta.previewseek.com

(cut and pasted from the Zen Internet monthly newsletter, Issue 57, November 1st 2005)

Everyone should sign up to the Pick Me Up weekly newsletter. It's a newsletter where people share ideas, events, advice which will make you very happy. The most fun things so far are what happens when:

you dress up as air hostesses and give out tea on the Tube

you send a love letter to someone you barely know

you turn off your mobile for a day

you put on your own festival

Love, love, love it.

Highlights - randoming bumping into friends that you haven't seen for ages in the street and the gym. Only Darian would be having 5mins on a sunbed before work!

Another low light: finding out your father has Liver Cancer

There are options all of which are pretty fucking horrible:

• a liver transplant
• chemotherapy
• radiotherapy

Blurgh, all in all a pretty shit afternoon.

Lowlights = temper tantrums, endless rain, grey clouds, the damn cold, the inability to rise in the mornings, a boss with a short fuse, accounts, house hunting, lack of money to move house, grandparents, cirrhosis of the liver, black hair dye that just turns your roots a dark brown, not being able to hold my drink anymore, vomiting copiously, feeling odd because I have no real desire to travel the world (the wildest trips I'm planning next year are Sherwood Forest and Newcastle Upon Tyne)

Highlights = Egyptian perfume, porridge readymade by boyfriends, decaff coffee, bbc radio player (8hrs of comedy a day - although methinks the boyf is boring of Lee and Herring jokes now), thinking about how our new home is going to look (nesting instinct!), TGI Fridays 2 '4' 1's, having tickets for 5 differents shows in November, Helski determed to go swimming and go to the gym (the envy will only spur me on!), giggling with friends, being able to say no to nitrous balloons at a party at the weekend (yay me!), bumping into old crushes, discovering that I'd like to learn how to scuba dive (better start going to the gym and swimming!)

I spent some Saturday lost in epping forest with the boyf but we rewarded ourselves with a couple of pints and a pub dinner (it was meant to be lunch but y'know when there are NO map boards anywhere in the forest it takes a while to get out of it!). It was wonderful to walk through the forest and only bump into the odd cyclist, horse rider and 40 bikers by a road side cafe - I still haven't quite worked out what they were doing there.

Note to self: next time take a map and a bottle of water (and also perhaps Kendall mint cake)

During all the being lost, we also came to a pretty major decision - we're going to move in together. We were planning to wait until after xmas but circumstances are right at the moment. It means no longer living with my ladies and I'm really upset about it but it's time to grow up and leave the nest. We are however, planning to move within the area so I'm sure they'll be lots of visiting!

Another weird thing in my life at the moment is the fact that I have developed a love of english folk music (I'm currently sticking to the young good looking boys - Seth Lakeman and Jim Moray but I can feel the love for the music increasing which is fills me with a wonderfully creepy dread!) Wrong, wrong, wrong.

The darkness is all around...actually I'm beginning to pull myself together a little. The last few weeks however have been terrible. I tend to shut down when I'm depressed and do and say very little (apart from "I'm going to my room to watch CSI" - comfort zones are very important, aren't they?). I have too much on my plate at the minute but I made a ridiculous over the top meal last night (prawn satay as a starter for goodness sakes!) and that always makes me feel a bit better. Also all those CD's that I ordered on ebay are turing up, which is fantastic. Maximo Park, Seth Lakeman and Jim Moray are all sending shivers down my spine. The others are rocking my world (apart from the Futureheads, which makes my head hurt - bloody shouty Mackems!)

Tuesday blues have extended into full on miserableness. No matter what I do things go wrong at the moment and people around me seem to having a bad time of it too. Feeling very down but sitting at the parents surrounded by dogs and watching The Simpsons so beginning to feel a little better...Also I'm spending too much money on ebay CD's. So far I have brought:

Bravery - The Bravery
Hot Fuss - The Killers
A Certain Trigger - Maximo Park
Futureheads - The Futureheads
Antics - Interpol

and bidding on:

Happiness in Magazines - Graham Coxon
Kitty Jay - Seth Lakeman
Sweet England - Jim Moray
Odyssey - Fischerspooner
Howl - Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
Bang Bang Rock 'n' Roll - Art Brut

That should cheer me up!

Got the Tuesday blues like you wouldn't believe...Have you ever had one of those days where everything goes wrong, where you can't get through to anyone on the phone, your email buggers up, you can't fill out a basic VAT return, you have mega healthy snacks and lunch but still somehow remain hungry all day so go and ruin it all by eating crap on the way home, you can't do the IT homework because your computer's a cunt, you only have 2 weeks (and 3 units) to finish the IT course, you fail a basic bookkeeping entrance exam that you thought you had a good chance of passing, you piss of all you friends because you're a miserable cunt, you run a bath to try and cheer yourself up and there's no hot water, you sit in your room listen to miserable songs while the darkness descends around you, you consider running away from everything ("would anyone really notice" says the voice in your head)...I really had too much fun at the weekend methinks...Tuesday blues are awful...

What I did at the weekend:

Friday - my leaving do from the old job which was fun. Certain thank yous which meant a lot, a wonderful leaving speech from the nice boss, a bottle of champagne from the landlady and landlord (wonderful, wonderful people you all must go to The City Darts in Aldgate East - they are perfect!), going to the Pleasure Unit and no-one was there, more champagne, taxis home, lots of laughing!

Saturday - we went to a circus themed club in Bethnal Green Working Mens Club run by Oh my God! I miss you. We got all dressed up as show girls, it totally rocked.

Check out Jessies site for more pictures!

Other things that happened in the age since I last posted:

Jessie went to desert and came back all hippie (trying to steal my crown young lady! No really it's actually really refreshing being around someone actually trying to be positive about things, makes a difference from the darkness in my head today!)

I started my new job - too early I think to say much more about it. I'm getting settled in, trying to get used to how quiet it is working alone in an office some of the time (so different from the last place with 18 staff and millions of participants to deal with!).

Attempting to loose weight yet again (mainly need to sort my health out!). Carla has suggested Weight Watchers but I don't know if I could bring myself to pay to be humiliated (sorry weighed in front of other people!)

Endless bickering and making up with the boyf

Sea kayaking (in a wet suit goddamn!)

My whole family had food poisioning for 6 days because of the place that I took them to for lunch!

Festival season over and done with. I'm too old for that shit anymore, it's just not fun to work for that long if you don't get to enjoy breaks and go and see the bands!

Note to Carla: I promise I won't leave it so long to update next time!

Once again I don't write anything for ages...lots has been happening though. I've got a new job which I'm really looking forward to. It's working for a guy whose just set up a festival and event production company; so a lot of it is setting up new systems. I really feel like I'm going to be challenged in a good way. Also I gonna have to start a bookkeeping course in January and doing a VAT course asap to get up to scratch on that front!

Other news:

Carla got 3rd degree burns at Glasto and hid for weeks but she's back on the circuit again demanding that we drink too much and have load of fun in inappropriate place (The Hilton for one!) Hurrah, hurrah, we love Carla!

Lornie and Yam (the boyf) are holidaying in Greece but she forgot her very important anti-biotics and so had to have me emergency mail them to her hotel!

Jess is almost in the US of A to work at Burning Man, we've had her goodbye from work party, her goodbye from friends party and next week we'll be having the goodbye from the house meal!

Richie is going to Edinburgh with a huge amount of shows - we wish him huge amounts for luck and good fortune - that boy is going to go far...

Helen has become a social butterfly, out every night having lots of fun and waking up every morning with the same statement "I'm so late for work, they are definitely going to sack me this time".

I've had my bag nicked with everything I own in it (trust me to keep a huge sack with me at all times!). Cards, phones, etc have had to be canx. Boring!

Stuff I've done:

Early July

Went to loads of shows at the National Theatre's Connections Festival. Fantastic, those young people really blew some 'professional' actors off the stage!

24th July
Lovebox, Victoria Park

Jess and I managed to get 4 comps tickets from our local community centre and then found out that our festival mates were working it and managed to get a few more tickets. Hel, Jess, Josh, Joe and Reece (who managed to get renamed Trixi at Jess' party!) and partied in the Lost Vaugeness arena.

27th July
Edinburgh preview double bill at Chelsea Theatre:

Bill Hicks: Slight Return and Confessions Of A Jingle Writer

The Bill Hicks thing was amazing, it took a while to remove myself from the "but it's NOT really Bill Hicks" thoughts but once I'd let go and allowed myself to enjoy it...he did it as Hicks coming down from Heaven to talk to us. The set was a mix of old Hicks routines and new jokes about American Idol, Coldplay, Live 8, Bush, Iraq, London bombers, Dennis Leary...all in all very funny and with a serious bit at the end. Go and change the world because I can't anymore theme!

Confessions Of A Jingle Writer was ok, quite funny in places but Tom was just too nervous. Lots of stammering, repeating and not enough content...it took over an hour to tell a story that could have been done in half that time. Also a bit too much of a Dave Gorman "it's my life funny" feel to it!

It's...too...hot...

The ladies went off to Glasto this morning. I really wish that I was with them. Work is too hot and bothersome to cope with. Life is too hot and bothersome to cope with...

I'm looking forward to the weekend though. Dash and Jan are visiting. I'm seeing Patti Smith perform Horses on Saturday night. I intend to eat, sleep and avoid the sun and very little else.

The desks are in but we didn't leave until around 11.30pm last night...the computers went in this morning and IT peeps checked them all and made all but two work (they need some extra bits which are now on order!). Telephones will go in on Wednesday and I'm now going home to rest...the cough is worse, earache is constant and my eyelids are heavy with sleep. I'm going back to bed!

So, here I am at work on an early Saturday morning - cold and flu lemsiping it to the max and trying not to cough on the builders! Hopefully the desks will be in by this afternoon and I can get the first layer of paint done this evening. Then tomorrow will be spent doing a couple more layers and then doing a matt varnish on them (boy/f is helping for the price of a slap up lunch, bless him). Monday will be taken up with IT and telephone guys (my savior's!) and then the new office will be finished. There's bound to be complaints from some staff...I'm really not cut out for this office manager lark. I like to organise things (ok, ok I love to organise things*) but the rest of it...aarrrgggghhhhh!

*as a child I converted my Barbie dream home into a book case and the books were in alphabetical order

The weekend was amazing - a whirlwind of no sleep, alcohol, mushrooms and behaving like a twat. Fantastic fun! I had to see The Bravery - thanks to Carla for carrying the gibbering mess that was me back to the stall afterwards! Missed everyone else due to having fun on the stalls and generally holding Lornie up and keeping her from biting punters.

We got back around 9.30am on Sunday morning and I then slept most of the day. Jessie, Hels and I then order the nicest Chinese take away that I have ever had and watched Batman and Robin (which is rubbish - I knew there was a reason why I hadn't seen it before!). Monday off work was lovely - loads of time to chill and recover fully (and spend some extra special times with my boyf).

Back to work on Tuesday and back to the horror that is work at the moment. I've taken over as an office manager but unfortunately I don't have any real experience of the computer side of things...I'm having a short, very sharp introduction to servers and I really don't like them. I really don't like the attitude of some people in the office either - certain people have been making what feels like personal attacks on me because things aren't working well. I don't actually have control over the drains, the water supply or the electricity supply you fucking idiots! I haven't gone out of my way to cut the water/electricity off in the whole of east London to fuck you up, have I? I'm really not sure what to do about it - in other areas of my life I'd say that I'm a pretty strong, self assured woman but the minute I'm in this office I feel like I can't say or do anything right...

Sam from The Bravery - wrong, wrong, wrong 

Good things about my life:

• Me and boyf being back on track - things are good at the moment
• Frappuccino Light (yummy, esp on hot days like today)
• Festival season starting (I've done One Big Weekend in Sunderland where it hailed for two days solid!)
• Spending a whole weekend with my baby bro for the first time in ages at foresaid festival
• Homelands this weekend with all the girls for Lornie's birthday
• Buying loads of theatre tickets and treating myself to Artist's Dates
• The new and worrying crush I have developed on Sam from The Bravery - see picture above!

Bad things about my life:

• Getting a bizarre, burning reaction on my hands two weeks ago. Woke up with a rash that developed into blisters and vomiting, it's still here and I look like some burns victim
• Being generally disrespected (and shouted at, in front of everyone else in the office) at work
• Crying at work because of the shouting
• Not being brave enough to tell them to shove their fucking job up their asses
• New glasses that hurt my eyes
• The general darkness that is all around - what the fuck am I doing...etc...

Ok, basically I don't post when I'm having a really crap time in my life and as I've been having the whole "oh my god, what the fuck am I doing with my life" thing, I didn't think that you'd be interested. I mean, jesus, I've bored myself stupid over the last 6 weeks.

Fun things from the last 6 weeks:

Went to see Stoning Mary at the Royal Court - really, really good. The repeating of words works really well. I loved the arguments with the voices in their heads made visible to us... Poetic, fast-paced, beautiful. I liked the way they were individual stories but all linked. Literally tears in my eyes at the end - really powerful imagery - I especially liked the blue stone (little things like that always stick with me for some reason...). The writer has been talking about the fact that the stories are based in Africa but transposed to the UK and how we 'don't get it'. To be fair we (the 'west') don't have any real concept of fighting over a AIDS prescription, child soldiers or being stoned to death so it's natural for us to repond to the relationships because that's what we know...

Went to see the Manic Street Preachers at Hammersmith Apollo (or whatever it's called these days!). I really didn't want to but y'know what bugger it, I love 'em! I'm really fucking love 'em - I don't give a shit that they're old and a bit boring these days, I mean I'm old and boring too. I'm not the angry 14 year old that used to shout their lyrics while swigging on vodka and smoking fags and lusting after Nicky Wire...oh, wait I still do that bit...(my truth is that I went for a meal before the gig and was drinking white wine!)

Less fun things from the last 6 weeks

I asked my boyf if he'd like to move in with me in a few months...but for gods sake I can't spend more than a weekend with him and not want to kill him at some point - I'm taking this growing up thing rather too seriously...

I changed my doctor and I'm finally getting treated well. I get really bad periods and I mean really bad. I vomit, I blackout with the pain, I stab random people on the street for looking at me funny (alright, I haven't actually done the last one but I certainly would like to!). My new doctor has changed my medication and is sending me for a scan.

I got promoted, YAY! But I haven't been coping too well as I really have no idea about computers and/or IT. I've been able to blag it before but I couldn't this time. I actually had to ask for...help...yuck!

Things have been a little crazy of late...starting with the wildness of the recent party. I mainly argued with people for the sake of it and got generally annoyed with other people…apparently I was lots of fun but I kinda started thinking about my level of drinking. I mean I do like a drink. In fact, I’m known for liking a drink but it’s beginning to get out of control. If I don’t remember the night before and I literally vomit for 2 day after, then it’s no longer any fun, is it? Here starts the beginning of me trying to be ‘controlled’ in my drinking…


…until Saturday maybe…’cos you can’t do ‘Scope sober…

…no, right this time I really mean it… etc…etc…

Vote for a later tube on Friday and Saturday nights here - lets drag this city into the modern age!

Party update here - I still feel a little bit sick!

Yay! I had to get up early this morning and start off one of our training courses at work...came home shattered to a dozen red roses! Hurrah!

We're currently getting the house ready for our party this evening - I'm a little over excited.

I'll update on the goings on tomorrow!!!

Carla came around last night and we all had a wonderful, yummy dinner and moaned about how we never really go out anymore! I'm in real need of a wild, drunken girls night out at our favourite club Bedrock and we have booked one in for end of Feb (it seems that growing up means that you have to schedule everything including hedonism!). Although we do have another house party before then but being the hostesses it means that you don’t really relax until much later in the evening (and, of course, by relaxed I do mean falling over drunk!).

Things are looking up on the job front – I’ve been offered more money (for more work!) but it’s defiantly what I was looking for and it means that I don’t have to leave just yet…Jessie’s had good news on that front – she will be working at Burning Man this summer (we’re all really happy for her after the jealous spitting finished!)

After some wise words from Jan-Jan and Lee (mum & dad!)
("Darling, if you didn't forgive people you'd have no lovers and no friends", "people make mistakes") I met up with the boy/f yesterday and we've laid down a few groundrules...and things are back on. Hopefully it'll all be ok! I'm certainly feeling a lot more positive about everything at the moment. I was great to have the parents down although I haven't seen them much because they've been sorting out my grandparents old shop but we managed to arrange me visiting Hastings in a couple of weekends and for them to visit London again in mid-Feb.

Today I'm planning to clean the house a little and then go to play badminton with Helski!

I am worth $1,660,820.00 on HumanForSale.com - should I be offended that my mates are worth more???

melodramatic, moi?

Boy/f front has changed again – he came round drunk and after some bad behaviour from me (after being woken up and laughed at!) he launched into an hour-long intimidating bullying session, which pretty much consisted of him shouting “CUNT!” in my face…not sure where we stand now. Morally, I shouldn’t take him back under any circumstances…emotionally, I miss my fucking boy/f. Taking him back however, would validate his behaviour, which cannot be allowed…
On the work front things are getting worse…I feel that I have been systematically belittled since I joined and after 2 years and 4 months I was at the point of believing that I can only do a job that a school leaver could do…but after a couple of recent comments (including “didn’t they teach you anything on that course of yours?” – a two year Arts Management course (!) and “you should maybe put these students details on a database” – what? Really? Thanks I hadn’t thought about that! and being told that I should spend “more money on clothes” – hello, some months I don’t have enough money to eat, let alone buy new clothes!) anger has got a hold of me and I’m thinking about fighting back. I have complained to the Board before but to no avail and I’m now at the point where I have to decide to either ask for a pay rise or leave. Much thinking is in order.

Hyperventilating! I can't wait!

The last few weeks have been pretty tumultuous - I have decisions to make, as those of you who know me I find this quite difficult at the best of times...I need to think about my job. I have a wonderful job, I'm rarely really bored (although there's only so much admin a girl can do without loosing the will to live!) but I really don't feel like I'm being pushed enough in the right directions. I constantly fire fight and have no time to think constructively about or plan for the future...the company has been in a particularly difficult period so I have been not asking for a pay rise, not rocking the boat but we're still in this 'difficult' period over a year later and I'm beginning to feel stuck. There's a more senior job going which some people in the office have suggested that I go for but it's an awful lot of work for not much money (although so much more than I'm on now!) and I'm not sure if it's the right direction for me to take. It was great recently meeting up with my best friend from school (finally off tour and settled in one place for a while!). She reminded me that all I wanted from when I was 14/15 was to have my own theatre, producing my own productions, etc. It was nice to be reminded of this dream and acknowledge that I am on the right path but there's so much more that I need to grab for with both hands!

On the relationship side I have been with the boyf for almost 1 and 1/2 years now and we've both been pushing the boundaries of the relationship - good behaviour is out of the window! This has however led to an understanding that we do want to be together but we both need to spend some time sorting out our 'careers'!

Friendship front - I had a lovely evening at the Turkish Baths with Helski and Jessie on wednesday. It was really good to catch up and have a good old girly bitch and scrub down!

This weekend the boy/f is coming over for a quiet Friday night (this month is frugal beyond belief), Saturday we're going to meet his sister for a wander round Brick Lane and Spitalfields Market and on Sunday (if I have money left!) I'll be attending the wonderful Chris K's birthday meal and visit to the cinema!

This holiday season I have mainly:

- spent xmas day with boy/f (a wonderful day!
- received lots of lovely presents (although loads of grown up ones - is this a hint do you think?)
- had housemates families visiting (thanks to Jessie’s step dad for fixing everything in sight, thanks to Helski dad for joining in with our face pulling on the tube)
- a quiet new year with Lucy, Kev, Jess and Helski (boy/f turned up later) - full of champers, food and best friends - all you need from new year really!
- Jessie’s b/day - a stroll along the south bank, the snow slide at Tate Modern (I took photos at the bottom!), a pub, a meal at The Stockpot and homemade birthday cake
- bought a new camera phone
- bought a plug in sega and so have been playing Sonic the Hedgehog 2 obsessively for the last week
- thought a lot about what I want from 2005 - I spent a lot of last year being unhappy about various things and situations that I allowed myself to be put into...I'm not planning to let that happen this year

Resolutions include:

- to do more home baking
- to pass 1st degree in wicca (I bought a lifetime membership to Witch School in a hope to encourage this)
- to cycle more (and so far I have cycled to and from work twice - including in the rain!)
- to have more leisure time (or at least use it constructively)

p.s. my mobile phone is buggered so any of you trying to call me will be out of luck!

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of events - lots of xmas parties and too many mince pies!

I've just waved goodbye to Lornie (off to Spain), to Hels (off to Bournemouth) and Carla (off to Liverpool). They are all away for xmas and Jessie goes on Friday morning; so the boy/f and I are going to be alone for xmas. I'm beginning to look forward it now - although at first I was very worried about it...sure it'll be coolio! I don't get paid until Friday so I'll have to go out and buy his presents then - still not sure what to get! Looked for designer t-shirts today, nothing...might have to rely on foodie presents! Overall, I've been a bit skint this year so friends have all had home-made chocolate truffles for pressies - they're really yummy! However, now everyone I know is making them!