Gosh, I am a miserable bugger aren't I? Things, as they say, can only get better. I've stopped on the valium; I have resort to Nytol every now and then but sleep is getting easier (although my bedroom stinks of lavender and various nice smelly things!). The heartache of loosing my father is still with me everyday. It's difficult to listen to some music because I know that he'd love it (or hate it!). Feelings come over me in waves during the day, sat on tube, walking down the street, working on a boring work document...it's getting better though. These thought are not always negative anymore and even sometimes make me very happy and laugh out loud at the fantastic man that was my dad!

I managed to get a few days off work and spent some 'quality' time with my young man in Brighton. I also made moves to try and resolve some issues at work - sometimes speaking up and saying 'no' is a positive thing!

I'm still a bit delicate in social situations but have managed to have some fun - thank to the Fairy Uncle for the Liberace Suits; they went down a treat at my favourite new club. We're planning to go to celebrate my birthday in March too (circus this time - might go for the old favourite of 'show girls' and get the corset out).

I had lunch today with Jess which was great (esp after 3 hr workshop on VAT!). I got to see the engagement ring, very flash young lady. Now, I've just got to sort out the airfare to Las Vegas in September to go to the wedding - onward Valhallens!

Apart from that in September, I have very little planned over the summer. Work, I feel, will take over slightly for summer 2006...it's exciting but scary learning all these new things to do with event and production management and general office stuff!

Still not sleeping very well. I have some valium but don't really want to take it too often. I can't really cope though, my skin is itchy, my head in banging, my throat is sore, my temper is on the shortest fuse and I cry at the smallest thing, things that I could usually cope with without any problem. People keep telling me that I'm coping well with my grief but I don't feel like I am. I'm trying to keep afloat and do things that amuse me but it's quite difficult. There's things that I'd like to do this weekend but I'm so tired that I think that I'll just end up going home and trying to sleep and gather my strength for the endless and undoubtedly heavy-going work meetings next week.

I went to go to the gym last night. Realised that I didn't have my trousers and I'm no longer at school so I don't have to work out in my pants anymore! Instead Helen and I went for a swim but got distracted by the new stadium at Mile End (opening on the 13th Feb) and I ended buying a membership on the spot because the pool was so big and beautiful! Hopefully Helen and I will force each other into visiting enough to justify the membership (and go to the Turkish more often!)

Congratulations to Lucy, Kev and Grace. A new edition to the family - Billy!

Centre Parcs highlight (and lowlights):

• not being able to find the meet up car park in Richmond for over half an hour
• Babs Streisland in the car
• getting car sick
• flirting with Euro millions boys in the petrol station
• eating too many jelly sweets
• flumes and jungle river madness
• new pj's covered in glittery fairies
• rising early to watch the sun come up over the trees and spotting more nature in 3 hours than I have in 8 years in London
• nature trail walks
• crying because I'm jealous of all the happy families (with dads!)
• watching glitter from my pj's appear all over the villa
• 100 best videos on some random tv channel - Hels and I rocking out to Guns 'n' Roses and other out rock classics
• teaching barmen to make white russians (yummy!)
• a horrible chinese dinner but with a great gang of people (6 'welsh chavs' and 6 'middle class wankers'!)
• helium balloons
• Pancake House huge pancakes covered in ice cream and apples
• Aqua Sana Spa - wonderful experience - I chilled out in the meditation room, swam in the lovely outdoor pool, steamed in two different steam rooms, zen'd out in the zen garden, sweated in the sauna and refreshed by shivering in the ice fountain. Each room had it's own theme and it were decorated really well. The Indian Blossom steam room was my favourite I think
• goodbye dinner with the 'welsh chavs'

Brilliant time all in all, I whole heartedly recommend Centre Parcs for cheap fun holidays!