During the last 7 days

Bad Things:
Temper tantrums
Finance quagmires (VAT)
Too many chocolate biscuits
Floods of unexplained tears
Lack of gym visits
Crap eyesight (that's getting much much worse)

Good Things:
Cooing at babies
Receiving a strawberry tart from my work mate - afternoon tea rocks
Pink butterfly filofax and notebook covers
Visits (short but sweet or should that be drunken?) from brother
New phone/MP3 player
New contact lenses
Dreaming of tattoos
A moment of pure enlightenment during my last counseling session (I 'got' how and why and wherefore now I just have to do something positive with it)

Inbetween:
Finding Russell Brand increasingly attractive - wrong!

I've been blogtagged by Jessie

Here are my 8 “interesting” things about myself.

8. I have a filthy temper, but I now am ok at repressing it (generally).

7. I self-published my first book of poetry at the age of 8 (I still dream of writing poems, plays and novels - but never really get around to it!).

6. When I'm nervous I bite and/or touch my lower lip.

5. I have met a number of celebrities:

a) The Beautiful South and Eddi Reader in the same evening at a Womad - Paul Heaton said some very rude things that I didn't 'get' at the time but as I've grown up I have realised they totally inapproaiate to say to an 9 year old girl. Eddi Reader was lovely and spent ages with me and my brother telling us silly jokes and doing impressions of other pop stars.

b) I've met all the Manic Street Preachers (a couple of times). Richie was really lovely and spent ages chatting with me and a friend about all the bands, music, writers we were into. Nicky was a bit of a twat but kept my brother entertained for ages - Nicky still owes my brother his pink sparkly shirt!

c) Neil from The Divine Comedy once actually asked me "do you know who I am?" I replied "yes I do and I'm never going to buy one of your records again" - TWAT!

d) I worked at a nightclub and I was in the toilet backstage once and Brian from Placebo started banging on the door and swearing at me - I came out in a right mood - it turned out that he thought his bass player in there. (for information - I'm 5' 8" and pretty big, Brian is 4" and legally classed as a dwarf, he was shit scared)

e) I once had the chance to meet David Bowie backstage but I had to walk past him instead - I could bearly breathe let alone talk...

f) Lauren Laverne is lovely but is very boring on stage.

4. As I grow older I become more interested in things like murder mystery novels, board (bored?) games, visiting museums, taking an interest in flowers, etc...I'm 29 going on 80 plus. It worries me...

3. I love to cook almost as much as I like to eat.

2. I verge on OCD constantly, in everything I do.

1. My name really is Boudicca, my mother named me after looking out of the window of the hospital were I was born over the Thames after I was born and saw the statue and it stuck. I've grown into my name over the years - I am a warrior queen through and through.

"She was huge of frame, terrifying of aspect, and with a harsh voice. A great mass of bright red hair fell to her knees: she wore a twisted torc, and a tunic of many colours, over which was a thick mantle, fastened by a brooch. Now she grasped a spear, to strike fear into all who watched her." Dio Cassius

I've realised that I lurk on lots of people's blogs but don't make contact with a lot of them - so I have no one to tag that hasn't already been done by my extend linkage...if there are any lurkers out there, you're welcome to accept a blogtag from me!

I probably won’t be able to go because it's a date of the show I'm working on down in Winchester *cries a river* (and causes nationwide floods). I literally can't imagine doing anything more perfect with my time...

*TOTALLY WIRED*

You've read the rumours. You've heard the hints. And we can now officially confirm the extremely exciting news: NICKY WIRE'S SECRET SOCIETY will be performing live at Stay Beautiful on SATURDAY 1st JULY. Following his triumphant debut at the Hay On Wye literary festival, this will be the first London solo show from the MANIC STREET PREACHERS bassist, lyricist and motormouth. Wire's first solo album, I KILLED THE ZEITGEIST, is due for release in September, and downloads are being posted occasionally at http://www.nickyssecretsociety.com. The Manics were a vital formative influence upon Stay Beautiful (obviously, since we're named after one of their songs), so it's a great honour to be hosting this show. There are NO ADVANCE TICKETS, and we're anticipating an incredibly busy night, so please ARRIVE EARLY to avoid disappointment. Doors open at 9.00pm, and Nicky and his band will be onstage at approximately 10.30pm. Be there. It's gonna be unforgettable.

Feeling slightly better today, spent yesterday clearing those pesky 'to dos' from my list. By the end of this week my aim is to cut my 'to do list' to 1/2 a page of a4 rather than usual 2 sides!

Then I spent the evening with Jessie, we forced ourselves to go the gym and then back to hers for pre-pay day fodder (which was damn yummy!). I got overtired quite quickly so had to retire early but enjoyable nethertheless.

Tonight, we're visiting Lucy, Kev and the kids - which I'm really looking forward to. There's nothing better for the soul than playing with toddlers and snuggling cute, fat babies.

Song Lyrics of the Day: Together by The Raconteurs

"You want everything to be just like
The stories that you read but never write
You gotta learn to live and live and learn
You gotta learn to give and wait your turn
Or you'll get burned"

I'm veering from one extreme to the other. I've spent some of today looking for anger management classes, starting a psychology of high performance course, ticking off my 'to do' list and working out ways of sorting out my life...

There are a number of things missing from my life - motivation, energy, self control. I don't know who I am anymore. All the things that I have used to measure my 'self' are in disarray and don't mean anything...My likes have turned into dislikes and I see myself reflected in the tantrum tempers of the Big Brother wankers for fucks sake!

I feel

overstressed, out of control, nervous, overwhelmed, uneasy, tense, confused, unwanted, unappreciated, powerless, victimised, frightened, infuriated, spiteful, listless, unoccupied, restless...

How on earth can I get out of this hole?

Today I have mainly:

~ cried at my desk (general darkness, nothing in particular).
~ shouted at artistic directors.
~ slammed about the photocopier.
~ perved on clearly gay dancers during rehearsals (shake that ass in a bollywood way for me boy, etc!).
~ had a rushed telephone conversation with Janimal to welcome her back to the UK - she's currently nursing midge bites and feeling much happier to be home.
~ wished my brother a great big "Happy Birthday"

basically...I can't wait for the weekend!!!

I should go to the gym this evening but all I want to do is go home and chill out. Take advantage of the peace and quiet while the match is on...take a long bath with lots of goodies and get an early night. Mind you, early nights is all I seem to be doing at the moment. I feel in some ways that I should mourn the loss of my 'wild side' but I'm pretty sure that it isn't gone completely. I mean, after all, I even drank some real caffeinated coffee this afternoon (mistake - just force of habit during a meeting!). Rock on! Living on the edge!

My Lovely Family Updates:

Last email from Janimal in Russia

June 15th

"This is my last day and all teaching has finished. I made my first and
probably last Russian joke. G'day is Dobre den and the guy who runs the sub marine internet caf is called Dennis - you got it #Dobre Dennis#. It raised an ironic smile - not bad.

Last night we gathered on a balcony to drink beer (not me) and eat take away pizza (hot - a special treat - the food here is luke warm if u r lucky - in the sanitorium not the whole of Russia) We provided mosquitoes with plenty of blood and I sloped off when the whiskey
arrived!

Today all the other teachers are playing pioneer ball - like volley ball but you can run with the ball & pass it to your team. As the towels are being removed they will all be sweaty on the plane I fear. I will not be watching, as they thought! Sounds too much like work and it's near the mozzie area - had enough of that. So, I came in to town to send this missive. I am also trying to track down pine vodka which is a local speciality as we are surrounded by pine trees - quite handy for my nature walks. On nice days they have to go out for activities and while all the sporty set jump around with balls and hoops with htem, I've been taking them for nature walks. Reminds me of when u 2 were little. The river for a chat about fish, then to see the ducks, goose and swan and collect feathers, then to see the horse and the pony and lastly you can
pick wild flowers to take back! Lots of English and kids often not knowing what the hell I'm on about - some r only 7! Still pleasant enough. Oh yes and they collect pine cones - that's where I started."

Dash recently did a shark dive for charity (thanks to all of you who sponsored him!)

Here he is before he got in!

One of those ridiculous mememe’s that are doing the rounds on blogs:

A - Available: certainly not, how rude.
A - Age: 29
A - Annoyance: rudeness in other people (I don’t mind it in me!)

B - Best Friend: The Rats and extended rat family
B - Bar: don’t really ‘do’ bars, certainly don’t have a favourite.
B - Birthday: March 7th

C - Crush: Gosh, there are so many where should I start? Howard T J Moon (AKA Julian Barrett) is my current paramour, Matt Willis, Christopher Walken, Carl Barrett, Brendan Fraser, Johnny Depp, Robin Ince, Stewart Lee, Nicky Wire, Jack White, Cillian Murphy, should I stop yet. I adore looking at a beautiful man. It’s all in the eyes…that knowing sparkle!
C - Car: none, although I have been thinking that I should retry my driving test again soon. The idea of being able to escape is currently very appealing.
C - Cat: none but I’d love some, I currently have my online kitten to your right and I have soft toy that I’ve fallen in love with…

D - Dead Pet’s Name: Cats – puzzle, zebadee. Hamster – too many to mention!
D - Dad’s name: Lee
D - Dog: none, boyf would like a Jack Russell though. Not too sure – I’d quite like a labradoodle just so I could laugh at it!

E - Easiest person to talk to: my mum
E - Eggs: well done, I hate those see through bits in the white when they aren’t cooked right.
E - Email: biteme@youloveus.com

F - Favourite colour: black, red, pink
F - Food: there’s nothing that I don’t enjoy but I always go back to pesto, cheese, nice bread, hot pepper sauce, sushi, miso soup, rahmens…
F - Foreign Slang: Boo, as in a boyfriend or girlfriend e.g. "I love you, Boo." – not that I’m self centred or anything.

G - Gummy Bears or Worms: neither, sour jellies
G - God: Right, are you ready…“god” is basically an easily understandable symbol, humans use symbols to describe difficult or abstract concepts like the interaction of spirit and body. These symbols or allegories allow us to understand things like energy and spirit and self, they allow conceptual thinking…i.e. all religion is allegory. We are hard wired for belief - we need to make some sort of sense of the world around and inside us...

"So God is dead, like Nietzsche said/Superstition is all we have left" 1985, Manic Street Preachers

G - Good Time: long, hot, relaxing baths with candles and smellies!

H - Hair Colour: dyed black (red black, blue black makes me look like I’m about to die)
H – Height: 5'8"
H - Happy: really happy only quietly…and not too often.

I - Ice cream: I like the grown up stuff - vanilla, coffee, pistachio and if I’m feeling wild a ‘99
I - Instrument: none, although I did once get a grade 1 in flute –rock and roll!
I - Idol: Again, so many! Brian Patten, Nicky Wire, William S Burroughs, Allen Ginsberg, Joss Whedon, Roman Dirge, Jhonen Vasquez the list goes on…

J - Jewellery: 4 silver, one rope pattern one from Lorna on my left little finger, one curly one on my first finger of my right hand, one amber one on my ring finger of my right hand, one curly, Celtic one on my little finger of my right hand.
J - Job: Arts Administrator
J - Joke: ok, are you ready for this because you will weep with the joy that this joke gives you?

When a pee falls from your plate onto the floor, look at it and point and say “Escape-Pee”.

What do you mean it isn’t funny? That’s the funniest thing in the world, a joke for all. The universal joke, if you will.

K - Kids: none yet…”I want a fucking baby!”
K - Karate: black belt, mate. Why? You wanna start something?
K - Kung fu: Bruce Lee’s got nothin’ on me!

L - Longest Car Ride: I get car sick, they all feel like the longest ride…*vomits into lap*
L - Longest Relationship: I once almost made the 6 years mark…I’ve been with the latest one for 2 years and 10 months. I don’t really do short relationships, I’m in it for the long haul.
L - Last thought: trying to remember my colleagues password that I gave her and where I put the cunning numbers instead of letters

M - Milk Flavour: Loveliness = McDonalds Strawberry Milkshake
M - Mother’s Name: Jan (or janimal the animal, depending on mood)
M - Movie Last Watched: X-Men 3 at the cinema (I sobbed like a child when Xavier got killed, so glad I went by myself!) and Serenity at home (which was kick ass great)

N - Number of Siblings: 1 baby bro (I say baby, what I mean 27 this week...)
N - Northern or Southern: Well, Southern by birth but Northern by traits and where I’ve spent the most time.
N - Name: Boudicca Lee Maloney

O - One Wish: after just spending half an hour trying to sort out my finances – never to have to worry about money again…
O - One Phobia: Moths – bloody hate them
O - Otter Pop: Eh? Otters I like. Pop I like. Together I’m not so sure. Am I missing something is otter pop some weird sexual thing that I haven’t done yet? Just done an internet check and it seems that otter pops are ice pops, in which case I like the blue raspberry ones.

P - Part of your appearance you like best: I’m a goddess, we don’t have to choose the best bits we’re totally amazing (moi ego be bloody quiet for one minute, eerrrhh, eyes?)
P - Parents, are they married or divorced: not married but cohabited (but only after the children had grown up and left home)
P - Part of your personality you like best: see above

Q - Quick or Slow?: Quicker than lightening
Q - Queen or Queer?: Queen of Fucking Everything!
Q - Quiet or Loud?: veer from one to the other at alarming speeds

R - Reason to smile: when listening to your CD player in the street or on the tube and you actually want to jump up and air guitar to the best bit but you can’t – a smile to yourself is enough!
R - Reality TV Shows: hate them but once they are on I can’t turn over.
R - Right or Left: Politically left, right handed

S - Song Last Heard: The new Embrace World Cup football song. Danny McNamara reaching some amazing high notes quite badly. Shit but I know that I’ll be singing alone within 2/3 more plays on Xfm
S - Season: Autumn
S - Sex: often, thank you.

T - Time you woke up: 8.20am – I should have got up at 7.30am…but I’m lazy.
T - Time Now: 2pm – doing this is more fun than going out for lunch.
T - Time for bed: I’ll go to bed at 10pm but won’t get to sleep until the pips go on radio 4

U - Unknown Fact about me: a really embarrassing one – I was once so bored during a school assembly I sat there eating my bogies…I was 8!
U - Unicorns: love ‘em, always eating the roses in gardens though.
U - U are: you are, if you please.

V - Vegetable you hate: I quite like vegetables – I used to refer to the broad bean as the devils bean but I’ve grown up a bit and quite like them now.
V - View on Politics: I used to want to be a political journalist and I still like to listen to Today in Parliament but mainly to moan about it all.

V - Victoria's Secret: that she’s anorexic and dreams of having a breast larger than 22 A???

W - Worst Habits: I have so many…nail biting, remote control hogging, swearing like a navvy, the weird OCD habits, etc
W - Where are you going to travel next?: Planned holiday - Egypt – 2 weeks in December. I’m already overexcited. I'm also hoping for a holiday with the boyf in September if I can get the time off work - anywhere...just hot and cheap.
W - Weight: I’m a lady, I don’t need to answer that.

X - X-Rays: quite handy for looking inside you?
X - Xylophone: I played one once during a school play, I rocked out!
X - Xenon: Number 5 on the periodic table? (interesting fact: xenon is present in the Martian atmosphere to the extent of about 0.08 ppm)

Y - Year you were born: 1977
Y - Year it is now: 2006
Y - Yellow: nicotine stains and wee

Z - Zoo Animal: Crazy llamas and the day the llama got out, went crazy and started hoofing the public, "hoofing doctors, hoofing vicars". There’s only one way to calm a llama down:

Calm a llama down
Calm a llama deep down in the ocean blue
Like a barnacle
Sitting in the tight place
Laughing like a monkey arm
Pulling like a china boy
Caraway caraway caraway noise
Boing chika masala
Boing chika masala
Ooooooo tooth tooth (sharp intake of breath)

The Mighty Boosh

Z - Zodiac: Piscean.
Z - Zoolander: a quite rubbish film that I watch because David Duchovny was in it!

Janimal Russia Updates:

June 10th

"I'm wearing a T shirt saying "Vodka Connecting People# in the Vodaphone font. Bought it for Dashbags - i hope a wash will make it still ok - I sat through my first footie match 2night. England v Paraguay Not a great match but no longer a football virgin.

After the talent show with all the designer parents (one kid wore Dolce & Gabana wellies on the trip to the cattle farm!) there were 3 taxis laid on 4 the English staff to go to the Sports Bar
in town to watch the first english match of the world cup Seemed churlish to refuse and I knew the bar had a good screen and alco beer! Also nought else to do so I went.

I left just after match over, mooning, shouting, spilt beer but just before broken glass, threatening goons and tears!!!

Escaped to the submarine internet caff again with the young lads game playing. On the way I passed women collecting water from the stand pipe to take back to little wooden houses nestling between grotty blocks of flats."

June 10th

"Narrafaminsk - that's the name of the town - my spelling - where I now hang out!

We had the 10 & 11 year olds rocking it to Back in the USSR - very successful- took lots of work to get them singing along with the Beatles. And I got them to write a newspaper - beats actually teaching them! Gotta scrape the barrel for these last 3 days - I haven't played consequences yet but that won't last long!"

The weather in London has gone from blistering heat to torrents of rain - outside my work window the world looks grey and very wet indeed. Thunder and lightening directly overhead, cars on the road surfing through huge puddles (lakes?), my windows open open to the fullest point breathing in the refreshing, clean air. I love a good downpour - it cleans everything away and prepares for the next epoch (my hands are on the keyboard trying to stop gathering up two of everything on the desk...)

The lads in the downstairs office are actually flooding...bail out, bail out!

Nicky Wire's Secret Society - I don't think that there is a measurement for just how excited I am about this...a non-album download track too. Oh, The Wire, you are spoiling us!

Disclaimer: these emails are a true and accurate record of my mothers time in Russian. Mum, you can't sue me for putting these on my site (and anyway, Jess made me!)

Jan is currently in Russia teaching for 3 weeks. Her emails have been increasing odd...

May 28th

"kids cool, I'm staying in a sanitorium - a nurse binds my foot at 9am and 9pm everyday
Now in interent cafe in shopping centre under Kremlin - we just went on Moscow metro getting off to see the gorgeous stations - 4got camera!!!"

June 3rd

"Back in my inter caff - thought to email e to get me a dental appt! On return.

Not much luck on amber so far - no green to be seen all lush trad big lumps of the well...amber stuff.

This holiday job is quite a strain I must say - a very different culture all those years of communism have left their mark, big time For eg we're expected to sit at separate tables with the children at meals - one break they didn't come in so we were sitting together and having a cuppa & chat - the English teachers - and the woman running it (younger than you!) comes over and tells us we must sit with the children - even of they're not there it seems!!!!

Dotty!"

June 7th

"Hi kids hows tricks?

I'm nibbled by mozzies, patrolled by Russian teachers and mobbed by spoilt Russian brats. Still, it's nearly time to come home! And this week is moving faster because my foot is better and I can go out! Bus and a walk down a dirt track and hurrah internet - here I am with all the local yoofs playing games! in a place3 done to look like a submarine!!!

Weird and wonderful - off to a sports bar after to drink and watch tennis - I found non alco Becks in Moscow - don't believe I'll be so lucky here in hicksville."

June 7th

"thought i send you some russian lettering*
??????? ??????? ??????????
????????? ??????????????? ????????????????????? ?
???????890?0??????????????????

?????????????????
????? ????? ????? ???????

Do you agree?
I thought you would.

love
mum
xxx"

Only a week to go and she returns to the UK...she went away crazy, will she return even crazier?!?

*which of course, doesn't show correctly on the old interweb...but I did babelfish it and it isn't in Russian - I should decode it and find out the KGB secrets that she's trying to pass into this country...nah, can't be arsed!

Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy

Things I steal from SargentPepper:

Your Personality Is Like Acid

A bit wacky, you're very difficult to predict. One moment you're in your own little happy universe... And the next, you're on a bad trip to your own personal hell!

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

So, first day back after a [shit] week off and back to a load of fucking shit. I wish I could curl up into a ball and fucking die....I wonder if they are the sucidial thoughts that the website research has warned me about...

Ok, so no posts for a while. I've been on leave from work and removed myself from internet and mobile phone usage. I'm am currently in prozac withdrawal as I went to my doctor as I felt that I was still getting side effects from the prozac, he however thought that I needed a higher dose. Unfortunately he gave me the drug that I'd had a previous horrible reaction to...I didn't notice until a few days later when I was acting most peculiar. I went to the doctor and gave him a piece of my mind, he took me off the drugs and told me in actual fact the side effects that I thought I was having still were actually a low level allergic reation...the joy. During the past week I have been suffering from a number of the symptoms below. They only last for 4-6 weeks though...I really can't take much more of this...

Withdrawal Symptoms from Prozac:
Anxiety
Dizziness
Fatigue
Restlessness
Tremors
Visual hallucinations
Diarrhea
Blurred vision
Headache
Insomnia
Nausea
Vomiting
Muscle and joint pain
Jolting electric "zaps"
Tingling sensations
Vertigo
Anorexia
Agitation
Gait disturbances
Sweating
Fever
Abdominal discomfort
Flu symptoms and general malaise
Irritability
Aggression
Lethargy
Weakness
Myalgia
Chills and hot flashes
Crying spells
Suicidal thoughts
Sleep disturbance and insomnia
Nightmares
Vivid dreams
Confusion
Memory and concentration difficulties