163 days sober... but can I keep going through Xmas parties, Xmas and NYE? December is going to be difficult...

(image from: http://www.soberunicorn.com/)

Two and half weeks on Citalopram

Still tired and yawning but the full on headaches aren't constant anymore.  I'm managing to exercise.  I'm seeing friends.  I'm laughing.  I feel less out of control and like I'm making some progress back to "normality".

A week on... Citalopram

Yawning, tiredness, nausea, feeling "flighty", sweating and headaches... blurg.

Anxiety and Depression

I suffered from anxiety and depression throughout my tweens, teens and early 20s.  Bulimia, self harm, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts and attempts, drug and alcohol misuse... but as I moved towards my late 20s, I felt I could walk the tightrope well and manage myself and my actions ok.  Particularly bulimia and self harm were controlled.  

Then my Dad died and it triggered last great depression (2005/2006).  In the intervening years there have been periods of darkness and anxiety and tears.  Getting married and having children were big life changes to do without the support of my parents.

After I gave birth in 2013 I had a feeling something was wrong - certainly not depression as such but a lack of any clear emotions... after some investigation that turned out to be a hormonal imbalance so I came of the pill, periods returned and also my feelings.

Since then my anxiety and depression have been on the slow burn, increasing here and there.  The usual coping mechanisms (exercise, mindfulness and self care including attempting to sleep and eat well) aren't keeping it at bay or I'm not able to do them...  I've come to a tipping point.  Anxiety means I worry constantly so I wake in the night or cancel social engagements or don't leave the house at all, my immune system is low so I catch every illness going and don't recover quickly, the negative thoughts are pushing me to 'control' my eating and punishments (cutting or making myself sick which I don't want to do - I know they don't 'fix' you).  I want these thoughts and anxiety back under my control so I went to the doctor yesterday and elected to take Citalopram, a SSRI which can help to restore the balance of serotonin in the brain.

We'll see how it goes.

Maia Journey 

I feel like I grew up with goddesses all around me. See the picture above on the left of the mother earth. I remember holding a very similar figurine that belonged to my mother, feeling her curves warm beneath my hands as a child.  The one the middle, the Snake Goddess.  I have a small bronze figurine of her.  I've had her since I was young although I can't remember receiving her.  She used to sit in an old jewellery box guarding my little worry dolls until last year when she appeared during a 'tidy up' and has now taken pride of place on my altar.

But I'd like to know more and when the poster above kept popping up on my facebook timeline I thought I'd go for it.

The venue was beautiful and Jackie had created an inviting space within - hawthorn, flowers and candles.  Jackie introduced Maia the goddess of spring and many May rituals. She also shared some foraged edibles - primrose, wild garlic, daisies, dandelion, alexanders, cleavers, three-cornered leek and much more.

We fed and watered and then Jackie lit incense and we journeyed to meet Maia.  My journey was wonderful. First, I sat with my toes in the water at a wild place I used to visit as a child to swim.  Then Maia with her sparkling eyes, hawthorn crown, white flowing dress festooned with may day ribbons and beautiful red, golden hair beckoned me through the hawthorn into the fairy world.  We sat and watched for a while.  The gift I gave was jar full of pansies and mud from the river bank where I sat previously.  She gave me warm and sweet smelling soda bread, fresh and grassy goats milk, a pale and soft cheese and my jar returned filled with wild growing edibles.  She carefully wrapped these in a large white handkerchief  and handed them over with the words "take only what you need".  She sent me back through the hawthorn with her blessings.  On the other side now stood a gypsy caravan with a warm fire in front.  I sat of the steps warming myself, smiling widely with hawthorn flowers in my hair.  As the sun rose, I took my gifts and walked towards the light. 

To me, Maia gift focuses on what I've been thinking a lot about recently - eating, nourishment and digestion.  I attempted to control myself and food through bulimia during my teens and early 20s and I'm slowly realising that I still eat in a very disordered way.  Maia in encouraging me to eat fresh food and only eat what I need.  

I'm looking forward to the next session!  

Morning Haiku 

This morning I spied you
A fag ash Venus
Resplendent on the bench 

Geranium

Today I dabbed oil 
Geranium drip 

Scent follows me

Slow Panic Setting

My default setting these days tends to be a simmering under level of slow panic. I've done what I always do when faced with any sort of (real or imagined) deadline.  I've given myself more to do.  Basic, every day tasks linger by the wayside whilst I move silent screaming adding more podcasts, journalling, emails, research, essay writing, work, exercise, tasks to the my ever growing list of things I won't get done.  I don't like living like this so why do I keep doing it to myself.  Crippling myself with too much *should* dos.  Making mistakes, feeling the scratching throat of illness looming, worry, worry, worry.  Worry, anxiety and stress leaving me stuck in a situation I'm bored of putting myself in but it's part of a cycle that I seem unable to move out of...    

Transformation and Self-Care

Last years word was transformation - I searched high and low for positive role models to surround myself with, I fought with all my might against the dark depression which pulls me down every now and then. I read uplifting blogs, bought books, went to witch school, did endless online courses, filled in my workbooks, attempted to make eye contact with people... but still... I feel like haven't totally re-linked my brain to work with me instead of against.  It feels like an uphill struggle and I'm not always sure I'm moving in the right direction.  I'm trying to understand... to look at my past and accept the decisions I made then, to look at the present and show myself some forgiveness and understanding and to look forward to my future (and accept that I may actually have one - having your parent die in their 50s has created a bit of block beyond that point...). 

This years word is self-care, I've explored 'myself' and worked towards transformation and now what I really need to do is look after myself to try and help towards putting some of that into practice.  Understand that I'm a loud and often brash introvert that really needs downtime.  Self time.  Quiet.  Calm.  Hot baths.  Massages.  Happy music.  Clean sheets.  Less clutter.  Walking to work.  Breathing space.  Beautiful smells.  Magic.  Intuition.  Flowers.  Writing paper.  Creams and potions.  Laughter.  Gorgeous food.

I also need to accept my flaws and quirks and really work hard at loving myself.  It's the only way that I'm going to move forward and move towards the light and away from the darkness.