Anxiety and Depression

I suffered from anxiety and depression throughout my tweens, teens and early 20s.  Bulimia, self harm, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts and attempts, drug and alcohol misuse... but as I moved towards my late 20s, I felt I could walk the tightrope well and manage myself and my actions ok.  Particularly bulimia and self harm were controlled.  

Then my Dad died and it triggered last great depression (2005/2006).  In the intervening years there have been periods of darkness and anxiety and tears.  Getting married and having children were big life changes to do without the support of my parents.

After I gave birth in 2013 I had a feeling something was wrong - certainly not depression as such but a lack of any clear emotions... after some investigation that turned out to be a hormonal imbalance so I came of the pill, periods returned and also my feelings.

Since then my anxiety and depression have been on the slow burn, increasing here and there.  The usual coping mechanisms (exercise, mindfulness and self care including attempting to sleep and eat well) aren't keeping it at bay or I'm not able to do them...  I've come to a tipping point.  Anxiety means I worry constantly so I wake in the night or cancel social engagements or don't leave the house at all, my immune system is low so I catch every illness going and don't recover quickly, the negative thoughts are pushing me to 'control' my eating and punishments (cutting or making myself sick which I don't want to do - I know they don't 'fix' you).  I want these thoughts and anxiety back under my control so I went to the doctor yesterday and elected to take Citalopram, a SSRI which can help to restore the balance of serotonin in the brain.

We'll see how it goes.