Seven Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. Lose weight and get fit (the eternal goal)
2. To become less angry at the world (my inner gothy existentialist is alive and well and kicking bloody hard)
3. See the world (but only with the proviso of staying in 5* hotels with no backpackers of any sort anywhere in sight, daaaallinnn’)
4. Make my own jam and chutney (in a huge farmhouse kitchen with all my beautiful, chubby, grubby, little children hanging on my apron strings while my artist husband worships me slavishly – hurrah!)
5. See the Aurora Borealis with my family at my side while scattering some of my dad’s ashes because he never bloody got to see them before he died.
6. Write a play, direct a play and produce a play and see them all performed (to critical acclaim, of course!)
7. Take over the world….mmmmwwwhhhhaaaahhhhaaaa *strokes pussy* [insert you own jokes here]

Seven Things I Cannot Do:
1. Saying “no thank you, I’d like a diet coke” to offers of alcohol
2. Juggle (for this I am most happy)
3. Speak any foreign language (despite trying too, these things generally don’t stick in my head…apart from being able to ask for 2 cheese sandwiches in Dutch – I learnt that one when my brother and I ran like feral wolf children in Amsterdam one summer when we were 11 and 9 but that’s another story involving dope plant jungles, dirty old Arab men, our first glimpse of porno, canal boat robbing smack heads and a certain Mr Heiner Muller!)
4. Walk past a comic book shop without just ‘popping in’ and buying something
5. Be in the same room as a moth for any period of time (the horror, those dusty, flappy wings, I’m retching just thinking about them)
6. Avoid collecting anything shiny and/or glittery (magpie genes methinks). I have boxes full of ribbons, buttons, glitter and stars
7. Trust a Tory. I think that I actually have a physical repulsion to them. From Maggie stealing my milk (Maggie Thatcher, Milk Snatcher!) when I was just about to graduate to being head milk girl and my dad punching the TV when Maggie got voted in the early 80’s I have been moulded into a Tory hater. I get so upset when I find out that people have voted Tory that I have actually had to disown some acquaintances (I wouldn’t call them friends under any circumstances). Mind you don’t get me started on New Labour

Seven Things I Can Do:
1. Click my jaw and my fingers
2. Count to 31 on my hand when the thumb = 1, first finger = 2, middle finger = 4, ring finger = 8 and the little finger = 16. This is something my dad taught me and my brother to do one very boring day and it’s become a habit that I can’t stop doing when bored!
3. Knit badly
4. Sew reasonably well
5. Remember stupid pop facts that I read in Smash Hits when I was a little person.
6. Remember stupid indie facts that I read in NME or Melody Maker when I was a little older person
7. use random lines from Lee and Herring, Vic and Bob, Eddie Izzard, Bill Hicks or The Mighty Boosh routines to sum up any situation that I may find myself in (also well used to distract people from your naughty behaviour:

Boy/f *angry voice*: “why did you just do that?”

Boo *moon voice from Boosh*: “’cos I’m the moooon”

Boy/f *moon voice from Boosh*: “the full moon?”

Etc…

I allow you to admire my cunningness…)

Seven Things That Attract Me To….. Blogging:
1. I’ve always kept a diary and I’ve moved into the modern age, dudes
2. Visualised ranting (with pictures!)
3. I like the idea of clicking back and seeing how I was previously without raking through old storage boxes to find my diary from that period
4. I wanted to write a novel by the time I was 21 but I didn’t achieve that aim, so all of you must suffer my inane rants instead
5. eerrrh
6. errhh, ok, ok
7. My huge, glittery, rock star-like ego told me to do it.

Seven Things I Say Most Often:
1. ”Fuck off”
2. ”Fuck you”
3. ”No fucking way!”
4. ”You little shit”
5. ”To be fair…”
6. “Hello, [insert company name], how can I help you?”
7. ”No problem” (esp. when it clearly is a problem!)

Seven Books That I Love:
1. Lunar Park by Bret Easton Ellis
2. The Secret History by Donna Tartt
3. Anything by Philip Ridley - His kids books are fantastic, he truly is a Roald Dahl for the misunderstood generation. His grown up stuff is fantastic too (dirty reality mixed with beautiful, magical, fairy tales)
4. The Perfect Fool by Stewart Lee – a wonderful novel, laugh out loud funny and sob out loud sad.
5. Fuse: The Selected Work of Patrick Jones – despair, decay, the horrors of modern living and badly rhyming poetry – honestly, what more do you need from a book?
6. Self help – anything to try and make me into a better person because I know that I’m evil incarnate. I need these books to tell me that I eat too much, that I eat the ‘wrong’ foods, that I get too stressed, that I’m not creative enough, that my emotions are blocked, that the bullying I suffered as a child means that I can’t connect to people…Gillian McKeith, Julia Cameron et al you make my life not worth living.
7. Cook books with nice pictures, no Delia/Jamie/Nigella/etc I’m never going to get around to making that food but damned if you’re going to stop me buying your books and using them as torture implements/pornography (delete appropriate, according to mood and current diet limitations)

Seven Movies That I Watch Over and Over Again:
1. Rumblefish - slow moving, black and white except for the odd important colouring, beautiful, beautiful, please watch this film
2. Hairspray - Fat girl wins comp and fights racism alongside all the panache and joy of a John Walters film. Fantastic!
3. The Passion of Darkly Noon - Brendan Frazer all messed up, how yummy. Think of a really hot St Sebastian and you’re not even close!
4. Anything with Christopher Walken in - I mean anything – I’ve even watched the numerous rubbish films
5. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas - reminds me of many a night out
6. Cry Baby - beautiful 1950’s Johnny Depp with a tattooed tear, quiff and leather jacket…what can I say, we all have our weaknesses
7. Anything by Hayao Miyazaki - wonderful, bewitching coming of age stories to be enjoyed by kids and adults alike…

Seven People I’ll Try Passing This On To:
I doubt that 7 people read my blog!