and oh, by the way James Dean Bradfield fucking rocked last night at the Barfly! Even cram packed into a room the size of a shoe box James Dean Bradfield managed pull me out of myself and onto another plane. I'm always amazed when a song is able to tell you about your life, to reflect yourself back at you and make you question all you believe in one minute and then bring you back to earth with a jolt the next. He was a jongleur, a minstrel, a poet-singer, a troubadour for me and me alone...

(or perhaps that was all the drugs?)

"A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer; it sings because it has a song"
Maya Angelou

Oh and I told the boyf about my suggested names for our children...to say he was unimpressed would be an understatement. However, he did come back to the subject when he was less drunk and suggested that our children could have "weird" middle names and then suggested Enfys (pronounced EN-vess - which is Welsh for rainbow)...strange boy.

Even in today's work quagmire of urgent insurance and VAT returns, I'm still inwardly shouting to myself "I'm seeing James Dean Bradfield tonight!!!" - very over excited methinks.

I have done some more research and the smell is my hair cream - I usually mix it with other products but haven't for a few weeks. I feel much happier now.

Strange things are afoot in the world of Boo:

Firstly, I have developed a strange new smell. Not an awful smell but an odd, sweaty smell. I've changed my deo, my purfume and my shower gel and none of it has made a jot of a difference. Thinking that it might be my hair so I'm going to try and wash it much more, the boyf thinks that I don't wash it enough anyway...so he'll be happy.

Secondly, I'm unable to buy any new trousers. I have tried. I've been in every shop (not that many but I am a big girl most shops don't do my sizes) that I could and nothing fit or looks quite right. I am currently stuck in light blue jeans and my inner goth is screaming to get out of them...

Thirdly, I have developed an strange new habit. I find things cute all the time. I like pictures of cute animals on the internet (a thing which has sickened me previously). I have also bought a new toy kitten which I can't leave alone - *adopting a talking to babies voice* he's got such lovely big green eyes and wonderful soft silky black fur.

Going soft in my old age?

Xfm are having a Manic Monday - playing lots of Manic Street Preachers songs and giving away tix for James Dean Bradfield's solo show (I have already bought tickets!) and I'm loving it. I keep having to turn the stereo up damn loud and resist from shouting along to all the tracks...You Love Us, Found that Soul, Motorcycle Emptiness bring them all on!!!

"Found That Soul"

Show me a wonder
You can't be sure of
I exist in a place
A self-made vacuum
But still stranded here
With all the scum
So clean - so lost - so beautiful

But I found that soul
Yeah I found that home
But I found that soul

Last night I didn't get to sleep until well past 3am - unable to stay still in bed, I went to the front room and listened to the commentary on the Mighty Boosh box set on 3 episodes which resulted in very strange dreams (mainly involving the lovely Howard Moon and some jazz free forming - there's still a wry smile on my lips today…). I woke up at 6am and got into bed with boyf who then woke me up in the morning by putting a note by my head saying that he didn't wake me up because I like to sleep!

Thoughts recently have been about getting a tattoo in memory to my dad - another dream last night involved a beautiful, sparkling, moving tattoo on my right hand shoulder and arm made up of flowers, ants, insects, whirling dervishes, books, album covers and various animals. Not sure if I’m going to be able to recreate that but I’m going to bloody try!

I also dreamt that Jan bought a 15 bedroom house in Hastings for £400K (it needed quite a bit of work but she was really looking forward to it). The dream was so real that I’ve just had to call Iain at the house and double check that it really was a dream!

Although I had very little sleep, I do feel better. I had the chance to think a few things through (I say a few things – those of you who know me or read this blog regularly know that I’ve had more than a few things on my mind!). It would have been my dad’s birthday at the end of May; the beginning of June marks the 6th month point after his death. While he was dying, I promised him a few things and it’s time to start to pull myself together and get started on them.

I had a very enjoyable few days in Brighton at Streets of Brighton which I’ll update on shortly as I saw loads of great shows. Also went to see Les Ballets C de la B last night (a heavily sex and death themed event!). I bought tickets to go and see James Dean Bradfield (him of MSP fame) do a solo show on Wednesday at the Barfly in Camden – very over-excited already.

I’m taking a week off work during the following week – which I’m really looking forward to. I keep thinking that I’d like to book myself in for a massage and a bit of a pamper somewhere and truly relax.

p.s. I'm also so bloody broody that I've named my children - a boy called Kellen (meaning mighty warrior, strong-willed) and a little girl called Shayla (meaning "from the fairy palace"). I'm sure that boyf won't mind...

You Are The High Priestess

You represent mystery - secrets that are yet to be revealed. You find yourself sitting between two worlds: one dark, one light. You tend to hold these two worlds in balance, reconciling the two. Open and welcoming, you invite others to learn your secrets. Your fortune: Something hidden, or latent, in your life is about to come forward. You need to pay more attention to your dreams, thoughts, intuition, and imagination. And if that involves tapping into your dark side, it will all balance out in the end. You have a lot of potential dying to be unleashed, so let those gates open!

What Tarot Card Are You?

Tapping into my dark side?!? I don't need to tap into it anymore than I have already!

This morning Jan-Jan and I went through the grandparents old house (they have moved to a small place) and I am now the proud owner of:

A decanter (spotty and oddly patterned and a little bit chipped)
Salad serving spoons
A moulinex blender
An old camera
A sailor doll that needs some TLC
Some wooden patterned eggs
2 lace hankies
A hair dryer

Not a bad haul for an hour. We're debating about keeping the Heals glass coffee table that I used to lay under when I was a child pulling faces at anyone who cared to put their coffee on it...I'd love to have it but not sure if there's enough room in the flat.

I also removed a dead mouse from the front room (dealing with dead animals is a recurring event in my recent life - Hecate is meddling too much with me methinks!)

Today is busy at work. Getting ready for a work visit to Brighton tomorrow and trying to sort out various other bits and bobs. I've asked by boss for some time off soon as I'm clearly not coping very well with the darkness that surrounds me. I don't think that I had enough time after my dad's death to really deal with the impact that it would make on my life. Boss was very good about it and agreed that I didn't take enough time. Hopefully the week break that I have during the first week of June will get me back onto the straight and narrow (or back onto the crooked and wide maybe!)

Sunday was wonderful (elephant madness, cuddling of lovely babies, pulling faces with cute little girls, nice lunches, catching up with mates, gifting left over sandwiches to the visiting burners at the mile end rat house, getting lovely pressies from Russia, ordering lovely amber from Russia) but now it is Monday and my life has once again fallen into the darkness...this fucking life!

My little bro is doing a sponsored swim with sharks for sense Scotland (who support sensory-impaired disabled children and adults in Scotland). He needs to raise £500 to be able to take part and swim with sharks, which is a life long ambition of his.


I really hope that you can help - any donation would be welcome!

Follow this link: Dash’s Sense Scotland page

You scored as Socialist. <'Imunimaginative's Deviantart Page'> Socialist 100% Green 92% Anarchism 92% Democrat 67% Communism 42% Republican 33% Fascism 17% Nazi 0% What Political Party Do Your Beliefs Put You In? created with QuizFarm.com

A bit of mememe before I leave work!

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	5.1
Mind:	3.8
Body:	3.6
Spirit:	6.3
Friends/Family:	4.7
Love:	7.7
Finance:	7.1
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Wonderful weekend in Hastings - we saw May Day in by rising before dawn to join the Morris Men on the Ladies Parlour to help dance the dawn in...it was pissing down. We lasted 1/2 hr before we went onto to a surreal breakfast at the Beacon, a mix of clubbers who had been up at night and over tired hippies. After this adventure I went back to Jan's to catch up on sleep, when I woke the Morris men had done their work and it was really sunny (although windy). Later in the day we went onto the castle for more Morris men madness and down to Hastings town centre to admire the bikers who congregate en masse on the seafront:

We ate fish baps, watched kids kick dead fish at their dad and got sunburnt. The journey home was the usual bank holiday affair – an annoying, drunk, loud South African, a drunk arguing couple and annoying children. Got back to London and vowed to move out of it as soon as I can, dirty, horrible, place, full of paranoid, wanky fools – I could feel my blood pressure rising as we pulled into London Bridge.

He was a hero of mine, a beautiful, ranting, despairing troubadour...but I can't take any more shameful acts from the man. Living the dream, fuck forever, searching for Albion...no, no, NO, you will not find Albion in a grotty, heroin and crack soaked flat in east london, you wanker.

Now fuck off out of my sight you useless twat!

Today has descended into finance nightmare...I need to get some bloody confidence with the accounts. I am actually quite bright (if I do say so myself) and I'm the only person I know that keeps a spreadsheet of my own personal finances - why oh why can't I cope with business ones?

From a fuck up, no money, oh fuck what are we going to do to a it's ok, we're ok, in the space of an hour and a half - man, am I looking forward to the long, bank holiday weekend. My heart and stomach acid wasn't made for this!

I'm meant to be in the gym but I'm still at work...got caught up in updating the webs*ite. Might have to force myself to get up early and go then instead. I'm also hoping to do an aqua class in the gym by work on Friday (which I'll have to pay for but my gym membership doesn't have any aqua classes - the buggers!).

I was at counselling last night and I realised that I'm still really angry about my dad dying. Angry at him for leaving me, angry at how we were dealt with at the hospital, angry that we didn't have longer with a sober dad, angry that we had so long with a drunk dad, just plain angry at everything it seems! It feels like it all hurts much more at the moment because the mist of numbness and shock is only just lifting and I'm getting back to 'normal' me. I'm also swinging from thinking that I'm being ridiculously self indulgent to feel this way to screaming inside that 'my dad's fucking dead, what the fuck am I going to do!'.

Just venting is all...

At least when I went to the counsellor she let me know that a lot of my reactions are perfectly normal reactions to the death of a close relation. Bloody hell, it's been almost 5 months of craziness, I just want to get through this year.

I'm glad that our office will be closed for all of December as it means that I don't have to be working on the 'anniversary', I really don't think that I could take that.

My specialist bitching subjects at the weekend were men, chocolate, the DLR, work, computers, DVDs, crap music, annoying spam emails, hair dye, cold sores, coffee judders, fags, deodorant, my space, hand cream, pens that always run out of ink, race equality action plans for ACE which are 3 days late, xfm presenters, weight watchers yogurt and snack a jacks for snacks, ISAN members, periods, lack of sleep, sheets that don't fit mattresses, breakfast cereals, damp towels left on floors, having no clean clothes, headaches, plasterers, decorators that won't do a job for £80 (cash in hand!), intimidating decorators that think because you're a woman you have no idea what they are talking about, broken teeth, ladies magazines, diet magazines, being late for everything, spending too much time in bed playing backgammon on your phone because you can't sleep (and loosing!), the thirst for wine, teeth grinding, bosses (who are quite nice but sometimes useless - if you want me to do something, just ask me to do it - I can't read your mind!), ACE financial reports, website designers who you're paying £7.5K coming up with ideas that I could have pulled out of my arse....*breathe* *breathe* did I miss anything? Oh yes, Paul Weller emails that start 'Exciting News!' no it isn't, you're Paul Weller you haven't done anything exciting since the Jam (apart from the Wild Wood album but I'm not going to let that get in the way of a rant!)

I felt suprisingly better after getting a wee bit drunk on Friday night (a quiet drink in a local pub that ended up with me forcing people to drink absinth and tequila!). Saturday night I felt almost human again and popped around to the rat house to catch up on some bitching and wine drinking. Lovely Julie 'popped in' for a couple of hours (after a 24hr shift!) from Oxford to join in too, hurrah!

I was meant to do sensible stuff like go to the Tate this weekend but I just stayed in bed (only leaving to stock up on food from the corner shop) and watching Sharpe. Second part this evening - I will be rushing back from my counselling session for it (nevermind about my mental stability, I want some Sean Bean hero worship!)

I was told at the weekend to release my ego...I think it may have gone too far!

You Are 86% Evil

You're the most evil person you know. The devil is even a little scared of you!

How Evil Are You?