It has been mentioned to me that I haven't spoken about "the war" at all, I have one thing to say "listen to Bill Hicks" ok? oookkkaaayyy...

BILL HICKS ON IRAQ (1992)

(Iraqi voice) We surrendah! (George Bush voice) Not good enough. (Iraqi voice) We run away! (George Bush voice) Too little, too late! Call me a wimp, c'mon, fuckers, c'mon! Hold him back! Those guys were in hog heaven over there, man. They had a big weapons catalogue opened up. (Hillbilly voices) What's G-12 do, Tommy? See, it says here it destroys everything but the fillings in their teeth, helps us pay for the war effort. Well, fuck, pull that one up! Pull up G-12, please. SHOOP. BOOM! Cool, what's G-13 do? Big Sears weapons catalogue. 'Weapons, for all occasions!'

You know. See, everyone got boners over the technology, and it was pretty incredible. Watching missiles fly down air vents, pretty unbelievable. But couldn't we feasibly use that same technology to shoot food at hungry people? Know what I mean? Fly over Ethiopia, "There's a guy that needs a banana!" SHOOP. The Stealth Banana. Smart fruit! I don't know.

Once again, I was watching the fucking news, and it really threw me off. It depressed everyone, it's so scary watching the news, how they built it all out of proportion, like Iraq was ever, or could ever possibly, under any stretch of the imagination be a threat to us-wwwwhatsoever. But-watching the news, you never would have got that idea. Remember how it started, they kept talking about 'the Elite Republican Guard' in these hushed tones like these guys were the bogeymen or something. Yeah, we're doing well now, but we have yet to face-THE ELITE REPUBLICAN GUARD. Like these guys were twelve feet tall, desert warriors. KRRASH. NEVER LOST A BATTLE! KRRASH. WE SHIT BULLETS! Yeah, well, after two months of continuous carpet bombings and not one reaction at all from them, they became simply, 'the Republican Guard.' Not nearly as elite as we may have led you to believe. And after another month of bombing, they went from 'the Elite Republican Guard' to 'the Republican Guard' to 'the Republicans made this shit up about there being guards out there'. We hope you enjoyed your fireworks show. It was so pretty, and it took our mind off of domestic issues! The Persian Gulf Distraction. People said, "Uh-uh, Bill, Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world." Yeah, maybe, but you know what? After the first three largest armies, there's a real big fucking drop-off, all right? The Hare Krishnas are the fifth largest army in the world, and they've already got our airports, okay, so. I think that's the greater threat right now. Mr. Onion Head in Terminal C is scaring the shit out of me. Get him away from me. What an amazing thing, though. You know, and the amazing thing, obviously, the disparity and the casualties. Iraq - one hundred and fifty thousand casualties, USA - seventy-nine. Iraq - one hundred and fifty thousand, USA - seventy-nine. Does that mean that if we had sent over eighty guys, we still would have won that fucking thing, or what? One guy in a ticker-take parade: (Hillbilly voices) I did it, hey! You're welcome! Good work, Tommy, how'd you do it? I pulled up G-12! It was in the catalogue! Worked like a charm! You know, my biggest problem with the whole thing was that blood lust that came out of everyone, you know, this blood lust, man, it's really unbelievable.