Barney Harwood
Apparently Barney was cooking in Celebrity MasterChef yesterday but I didn't notice because I was too busy gazing at his lovely face...
#TooOldForACrush?
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
In Bed With My Brother
We Are Ian
An old raver reminisces about 1989 and acid house while three brilliant actors perform phenomenally against a back drop of relentless beats and flashing images. Playfully this show is totally uplifting, comedown depressing and all the way back up again.
Top one.
Top one.
Thursday, June 22, 2017
367 Days Sober
I don't think I would have ever classed myself as an alcoholic but I've always drunk like a fish. I'd be the one with the 7 or 8 pint by 10pm or drinking neat from the bottle of spirits at 4am on the dance floor... usually still having a good time but the hangovers were getting worse and watching my dad die the liver ward at Kings Hospital really brought home the toxicity of alcohol on your body. My intake had dramatically reduced anyway as I didn't drink during pregnancies and breastfeeding. Then last year "the darkness" hit me quite hard. I went to the doctor and he prescribed antidepressants. Alcohol doesn't always mix well with anti-d's so I decided to stop entirely.
That was over a year ago. The first few months were hard - Friday nights with no wine, warm Sunday afternoons without an ale. I explored non-alcoholic wine (mainly horrible, too much sugar), beer (some ok, check out Nanny State). I've had a few nights out fuelled by Budvar or Bavaria which have still been fun - I just don't get enough energy to be still dancing at 4am!
I'm not sure I'll keep it up forever but for now it's working for me. Overall, it's been a good thing...
I don't think I would have ever classed myself as an alcoholic but I've always drunk like a fish. I'd be the one with the 7 or 8 pint by 10pm or drinking neat from the bottle of spirits at 4am on the dance floor... usually still having a good time but the hangovers were getting worse and watching my dad die the liver ward at Kings Hospital really brought home the toxicity of alcohol on your body. My intake had dramatically reduced anyway as I didn't drink during pregnancies and breastfeeding. Then last year "the darkness" hit me quite hard. I went to the doctor and he prescribed antidepressants. Alcohol doesn't always mix well with anti-d's so I decided to stop entirely.
That was over a year ago. The first few months were hard - Friday nights with no wine, warm Sunday afternoons without an ale. I explored non-alcoholic wine (mainly horrible, too much sugar), beer (some ok, check out Nanny State). I've had a few nights out fuelled by Budvar or Bavaria which have still been fun - I just don't get enough energy to be still dancing at 4am!
I'm not sure I'll keep it up forever but for now it's working for me. Overall, it's been a good thing...
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Friday, July 08, 2016
Monday, June 27, 2016
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
Anxiety and Depression
I suffered from anxiety and depression throughout my tweens, teens and early 20s. Bulimia, self harm, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts and attempts, drug and alcohol misuse... but as I moved towards my late 20s, I felt I could walk the tightrope well and manage myself and my actions ok. Particularly bulimia and self harm were controlled.
Then my Dad died and it triggered last great depression (2005/2006). In the intervening years there have been periods of darkness and anxiety and tears. Getting married and having children were big life changes to do without the support of my parents.
After I gave birth in 2013 I had a feeling something was wrong - certainly not depression as such but a lack of any clear emotions... after some investigation that turned out to be a hormonal imbalance so I came of the pill, periods returned and also my feelings.
Since then my anxiety and depression have been on the slow burn, increasing here and there. The usual coping mechanisms (exercise, mindfulness and self care including attempting to sleep and eat well) aren't keeping it at bay or I'm not able to do them... I've come to a tipping point. Anxiety means I worry constantly so I wake in the night or cancel social engagements or don't leave the house at all, my immune system is low so I catch every illness going and don't recover quickly, the negative thoughts are pushing me to 'control' my eating and punishments (cutting or making myself sick which I don't want to do - I know they don't 'fix' you). I want these thoughts and anxiety back under my control so I went to the doctor yesterday and elected to take Citalopram, a SSRI which can help to restore the balance of serotonin in the brain.
We'll see how it goes.
I suffered from anxiety and depression throughout my tweens, teens and early 20s. Bulimia, self harm, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts and attempts, drug and alcohol misuse... but as I moved towards my late 20s, I felt I could walk the tightrope well and manage myself and my actions ok. Particularly bulimia and self harm were controlled.
Then my Dad died and it triggered last great depression (2005/2006). In the intervening years there have been periods of darkness and anxiety and tears. Getting married and having children were big life changes to do without the support of my parents.
After I gave birth in 2013 I had a feeling something was wrong - certainly not depression as such but a lack of any clear emotions... after some investigation that turned out to be a hormonal imbalance so I came of the pill, periods returned and also my feelings.
Since then my anxiety and depression have been on the slow burn, increasing here and there. The usual coping mechanisms (exercise, mindfulness and self care including attempting to sleep and eat well) aren't keeping it at bay or I'm not able to do them... I've come to a tipping point. Anxiety means I worry constantly so I wake in the night or cancel social engagements or don't leave the house at all, my immune system is low so I catch every illness going and don't recover quickly, the negative thoughts are pushing me to 'control' my eating and punishments (cutting or making myself sick which I don't want to do - I know they don't 'fix' you). I want these thoughts and anxiety back under my control so I went to the doctor yesterday and elected to take Citalopram, a SSRI which can help to restore the balance of serotonin in the brain.
We'll see how it goes.
Friday, May 13, 2016
Maia Journey
I feel like I grew up with goddesses all around me. See the picture above on the left of the mother earth. I remember holding a very similar figurine that belonged to my mother, feeling her curves warm beneath my hands as a child. The one the middle, the Snake Goddess. I have a small bronze figurine of her. I've had her since I was young although I can't remember receiving her. She used to sit in an old jewellery box guarding my little worry dolls until last year when she appeared during a 'tidy up' and has now taken pride of place on my altar.
But I'd like to know more and when the poster above kept popping up on my facebook timeline I thought I'd go for it.
The venue was beautiful and Jackie had created an inviting space within - hawthorn, flowers and candles. Jackie introduced Maia the goddess of spring and many May rituals. She also shared some foraged edibles - primrose, wild garlic, daisies, dandelion, alexanders, cleavers, three-cornered leek and much more.
We fed and watered and then Jackie lit incense and we journeyed to meet Maia. My journey was wonderful. First, I sat with my toes in the water at a wild place I used to visit as a child to swim. Then Maia with her sparkling eyes, hawthorn crown, white flowing dress festooned with may day ribbons and beautiful red, golden hair beckoned me through the hawthorn into the fairy world. We sat and watched for a while. The gift I gave was jar full of pansies and mud from the river bank where I sat previously. She gave me warm and sweet smelling soda bread, fresh and grassy goats milk, a pale and soft cheese and my jar returned filled with wild growing edibles. She carefully wrapped these in a large white handkerchief and handed them over with the words "take only what you need". She sent me back through the hawthorn with her blessings. On the other side now stood a gypsy caravan with a warm fire in front. I sat of the steps warming myself, smiling widely with hawthorn flowers in my hair. As the sun rose, I took my gifts and walked towards the light.
To me, Maia gift focuses on what I've been thinking a lot about recently - eating, nourishment and digestion. I attempted to control myself and food through bulimia during my teens and early 20s and I'm slowly realising that I still eat in a very disordered way. Maia in encouraging me to eat fresh food and only eat what I need.
I'm looking forward to the next session!
Monday, May 09, 2016
Thursday, March 03, 2016
Slow Panic Setting
My default setting these days tends to be a simmering under level of slow panic. I've done what I always do when faced with any sort of (real or imagined) deadline. I've given myself more to do. Basic, every day tasks linger by the wayside whilst I move silent screaming adding more podcasts, journalling, emails, research, essay writing, work, exercise, tasks to the my ever growing list of things I won't get done. I don't like living like this so why do I keep doing it to myself. Crippling myself with too much *should* dos. Making mistakes, feeling the scratching throat of illness looming, worry, worry, worry. Worry, anxiety and stress leaving me stuck in a situation I'm bored of putting myself in but it's part of a cycle that I seem unable to move out of...
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Transformation and Self-Care
Last years word was transformation - I searched high and low for positive role models to surround myself with, I fought with all my might against the dark depression which pulls me down every now and then. I read uplifting blogs, bought books, went to witch school, did endless online courses, filled in my workbooks, attempted to make eye contact with people... but still... I feel like haven't totally re-linked my brain to work with me instead of against. It feels like an uphill struggle and I'm not always sure I'm moving in the right direction. I'm trying to understand... to look at my past and accept the decisions I made then, to look at the present and show myself some forgiveness and understanding and to look forward to my future (and accept that I may actually have one - having your parent die in their 50s has created a bit of block beyond that point...).
This years word is self-care, I've explored 'myself' and worked towards transformation and now what I really need to do is look after myself to try and help towards putting some of that into practice. Understand that I'm a loud and often brash introvert that really needs downtime. Self time. Quiet. Calm. Hot baths. Massages. Happy music. Clean sheets. Less clutter. Walking to work. Breathing space. Beautiful smells. Magic. Intuition. Flowers. Writing paper. Creams and potions. Laughter. Gorgeous food.
I also need to accept my flaws and quirks and really work hard at loving myself. It's the only way that I'm going to move forward and move towards the light and away from the darkness.
Last years word was transformation - I searched high and low for positive role models to surround myself with, I fought with all my might against the dark depression which pulls me down every now and then. I read uplifting blogs, bought books, went to witch school, did endless online courses, filled in my workbooks, attempted to make eye contact with people... but still... I feel like haven't totally re-linked my brain to work with me instead of against. It feels like an uphill struggle and I'm not always sure I'm moving in the right direction. I'm trying to understand... to look at my past and accept the decisions I made then, to look at the present and show myself some forgiveness and understanding and to look forward to my future (and accept that I may actually have one - having your parent die in their 50s has created a bit of block beyond that point...).
This years word is self-care, I've explored 'myself' and worked towards transformation and now what I really need to do is look after myself to try and help towards putting some of that into practice. Understand that I'm a loud and often brash introvert that really needs downtime. Self time. Quiet. Calm. Hot baths. Massages. Happy music. Clean sheets. Less clutter. Walking to work. Breathing space. Beautiful smells. Magic. Intuition. Flowers. Writing paper. Creams and potions. Laughter. Gorgeous food.
I also need to accept my flaws and quirks and really work hard at loving myself. It's the only way that I'm going to move forward and move towards the light and away from the darkness.
Monday, November 30, 2015
10 years of grief
It wasn't exactly a sudden death. We had been given time.
We grew up with a father who was a drinker, social at first, then solitary. Alcoholism takes over slowly and grows like mould. I didn't have the best childhood but certainly not the worst. Despite the alcoholism, I knew we were loved. I should be thankful that we had 10 years of a sober Dad and 10 years of knowing that he would die early... hepatitides and cirrhosis of the liver but we ignored the fact. Ignored when he could no longer process salt. Ignored it still when his belly grew large and had to be drained. Tried to ignore the blood. Once he got to the ICU at Conquest Hospital it was time to accept that things weren't looking good. An ambulance journey to the liver ward in King's College Hospital, London where I joined my mum and my brother... waiting. Morphine given he uttered his last words "into the arms of morpheus" and slept for a whole weekend before he finally died.
Time is taken up with funeral planning and arrangements and making sure you let everyone in the family know. After the funeral my grief became overwhelming and despite the support of my family and partner, grief counselling and anti depressants the urge to wipe myself off the face of the earth became all encompassing. After a year of suicidal thoughts and only darkness I began to look forward to taking steps into the small shaft of light that had appeared in the corner of my eye - we moved, I got a new job, we tried to spend time doing happy things.
During this time my mum started shrinking... she was a big woman with a big personality and she just... got smaller. She, we, her doctor all assumed it was grief but two years later she managed to get some tests done. Cancer of the oesophagus which despite chemo (that was a shit Christmas!) spread like wildfire through her body. 6 months later she was dead too.
My parents missed watching me get married, have children, grow up (28 - 38 has been a long decade!). I miss them every day with all my heart.
So, grief does evolve and change over time but there are times when it hits you like a train. Sometimes you can plan for these - anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas - you know that they are going to be hard. Other times like when my little girl lifts her eyebrow in a particular way my dad did or when my little boy laughs like my mum did, my heart could explode from the love and pain it causes.
Paul Lee Foxall
29/05/1948 - 05/12/05
"As they pulled you out of the oxygen tent you asked for the latest party"
David Bowie, Diamond Dogs
Thursday, October 02, 2008
I'm short of inspiration. I'm running on empty. I cannot create. I'm tired. I cannot think in a straight line. I'm worried about the future. I'm Esther crawling between the mattress and the padded bedstead.
It wasn't exactly a sudden death. We had been given time.
We grew up with a father who was a drinker, social at first, then solitary. Alcoholism takes over slowly and grows like mould. I didn't have the best childhood but certainly not the worst. Despite the alcoholism, I knew we were loved. I should be thankful that we had 10 years of a sober Dad and 10 years of knowing that he would die early... hepatitides and cirrhosis of the liver but we ignored the fact. Ignored when he could no longer process salt. Ignored it still when his belly grew large and had to be drained. Tried to ignore the blood. Once he got to the ICU at Conquest Hospital it was time to accept that things weren't looking good. An ambulance journey to the liver ward in King's College Hospital, London where I joined my mum and my brother... waiting. Morphine given he uttered his last words "into the arms of morpheus" and slept for a whole weekend before he finally died.
Time is taken up with funeral planning and arrangements and making sure you let everyone in the family know. After the funeral my grief became overwhelming and despite the support of my family and partner, grief counselling and anti depressants the urge to wipe myself off the face of the earth became all encompassing. After a year of suicidal thoughts and only darkness I began to look forward to taking steps into the small shaft of light that had appeared in the corner of my eye - we moved, I got a new job, we tried to spend time doing happy things.
During this time my mum started shrinking... she was a big woman with a big personality and she just... got smaller. She, we, her doctor all assumed it was grief but two years later she managed to get some tests done. Cancer of the oesophagus which despite chemo (that was a shit Christmas!) spread like wildfire through her body. 6 months later she was dead too.
My parents missed watching me get married, have children, grow up (28 - 38 has been a long decade!). I miss them every day with all my heart.
So, grief does evolve and change over time but there are times when it hits you like a train. Sometimes you can plan for these - anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas - you know that they are going to be hard. Other times like when my little girl lifts her eyebrow in a particular way my dad did or when my little boy laughs like my mum did, my heart could explode from the love and pain it causes.
Paul Lee Foxall
29/05/1948 - 05/12/05
"As they pulled you out of the oxygen tent you asked for the latest party"
David Bowie, Diamond Dogs
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
I'm barely able to function. Everything is taking twice as long as it should. I feel as though I'm walking in syrup. My throat keeps contracting so I can't breathe. I'm scared. I sob on public transport. I can't sleep. When I do finally get to sleep, I can't wake up. I'm angry. I feel like screaming. I laugh. I'm manic. I stamp my foot and shout "it's not fucking fair".
Apparently these are all natural reactions to death.
I just miss my dad so fucking much.
Jan Maloney
17/08/52 - 07/07/08
I'm barely able to function. Everything is taking twice as long as it should. I feel as though I'm walking in syrup. My throat keeps contracting so I can't breathe. I'm scared. I sob on public transport. I can't sleep. When I do finally get to sleep, I can't wake up. I'm angry. I feel like screaming. I laugh. I'm manic. I stamp my foot and shout "it's not fucking fair".
Apparently these are all natural reactions to death.
I just miss my dad so fucking much.
17/08/52 - 07/07/08
I'm short of inspiration. I'm running on empty. I cannot create. I'm tired. I cannot think in a straight line. I'm worried about the future. I'm Esther crawling between the mattress and the padded bedstead.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Transformation
This year has been about the attempt to transform... working full time, husband, household and two young children do not make things easy going.
However, we're coming up to 10 years since my father died and it feels like a good time to lay to rest my resulting breakdown and the following deaths of my mother and my grandparents. My brother and I scattered our parents ashes into the river before New Year and I started this journey of transforming.
I move daily - walk, stretch, smile.
I remind myself to be BRAVE (bold, radiant, alive, vibrant and eager).
I've been awakening my magical side with the support of a wonderful group of witches.
I allow transformation to happen without being scared or in fear.
I create creative play areas for my children - their rooms are their own at last!
Still to work on:
An altar to express my gratitude
A creative space for me
Keep moving - regular yoga and/or exercise
Changing the garden and bathroom into relaxing spaces we want to be in!
To control my anxiety
To feel confident while driving
However, we're coming up to 10 years since my father died and it feels like a good time to lay to rest my resulting breakdown and the following deaths of my mother and my grandparents. My brother and I scattered our parents ashes into the river before New Year and I started this journey of transforming.
I move daily - walk, stretch, smile.
I remind myself to be BRAVE (bold, radiant, alive, vibrant and eager).
I've been awakening my magical side with the support of a wonderful group of witches.
I allow transformation to happen without being scared or in fear.
I create creative play areas for my children - their rooms are their own at last!
Still to work on:
An altar to express my gratitude
A creative space for me
Keep moving - regular yoga and/or exercise
Changing the garden and bathroom into relaxing spaces we want to be in!
To control my anxiety
To feel confident while driving
Friday, February 08, 2013
Wow, what a changing journey life is. I read back at some of these diary entries and don't recognise what I used to be. I work full time as an agent for outdoor entertainers. A job I love and I believe that it makes a difference to peoples world and environment. Who isn't a little bit happier when they come across something that makes them laugh? I *try* (read constantly battle!) to balance that with family and friends. My little one isn't so little now - a wild, stubbon and often crazy boy who makes me laugh every day. It's fun watching someone grow and explore and discover. I wish I could spend more time with him but our situation has meant that it isn't possible. Besides providing a stable roof over his head, food and days out is part of raising a child too.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Far Reaching and Epic Changes
Our son arrived in April and has been spreading his wonderful chaos around our lives ever since. Only now am I able to take a step back and register the change in my life. I make jam. I puree organic vegetables to feed to my child. I bake cakes. Although, I have a feeling that this won't last when I return to work next month!
Our son arrived in April and has been spreading his wonderful chaos around our lives ever since. Only now am I able to take a step back and register the change in my life. I make jam. I puree organic vegetables to feed to my child. I bake cakes. Although, I have a feeling that this won't last when I return to work next month!
Friday, November 13, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Haven't written anything for ages - I'm not even sure how I even begin to sum up the last couple of months. The already afoot changes in and around my life are far reaching and epic but on a pretty personal scale. I don't really feel the need to broadcast my innermost thoughts and feelings to the 'world' on a regular basis but don't feel as though I'm quite ready to let this blog go. My opinions are still strong and varied and it may might not take much to get the juices flowing again. Although, saying that I don't want to turn into one of those middle-aged, self-centered, sad motherfuckers whose mundane and dull life is played out through blogs, tweets and facebook updates and not by actually connecting in real life to real people... Err, epic fail since 2002 and counting.
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