How are you?

The feeling of wading through mud has continued way past Glastonbury. My gut is churning. My heart is fluttering. I'm unable to sit still. I'm unable to complete any project. I want to change everything about me. I want to run away. I can't sleep. People tell me that they don't know what I believe in because I never say anything that I truly believe - I just play devil's advocate on every point. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I BELIEVE IN. I have lost the plot. I make moves to improve my life but I can never complete anything. I fool myself that I haven't found "my thing" but in my heart I know it's because I'm lazy and sloth like in every way. Depression is my protection. I know where I am with my depression. It's seen me through a lot of hard times. It's hard not to turn to previous ways of coping. I'm trying not to vomit. I try to think about other things instead of self harm. I'm jealous. I'm angry. I'm scared. I don't want to be here - in this place, this time, or this body.