Thinking about Mother's Day

Trying to keep busy and keep my mind off that word...mum. A whole hole you've left. Tears are often pricking at my lids. My anger at the universe in unrivaled. Those questions all begin with why... I was already so heartbroken by Lee dying that I almost haven't felt your death quite as deeply - I feel ashamed almost. Did I not love you as dearly as I loved him? This seems unlikely. I have strong feelings, throat constricting, breathing difficult. Grief is so difficult because it fills every part of your life. A memory at every step. A recall. Sometimes happy following soon by sorrow. I can't cope with the up and down so I don't dare to think of what I'm putting my lover, my friends and my remaining family through. I'm the matriarch of my family but I'm not a mother. My womb's emptiness seems like an insult. The universe's last laugh. Mum is in every shop window, in every magazine. 'Why don't you treat your mother to this, to that'. There are people who are mother figures but why should I put that much pressure on another person. I have so much need inside that it would drown another. Even Jan couldn't cope with my needs at times; so much they are. I have the freedom too - there are good sides to being parentless. The first time I visited my granddad in the home - I wouldn't have been able to watch my parents there decaying over years. I'm glad I don't have to. The hospices were relatively quick. 6 months after we heard the word cancer. 6 months to die but more just wasting away. We thought it was the grief from loosing Lee. I'm only sorry I didn't listen sooner; too wrapped up in my own grief.