Good things about my life:

• Me and boyf being back on track - things are good at the moment
• Frappuccino Light (yummy, esp on hot days like today)
• Festival season starting (I've done One Big Weekend in Sunderland where it hailed for two days solid!)
• Spending a whole weekend with my baby bro for the first time in ages at foresaid festival
• Homelands this weekend with all the girls for Lornie's birthday
• Buying loads of theatre tickets and treating myself to Artist's Dates
• The new and worrying crush I have developed on Sam from The Bravery - see picture above!

Bad things about my life:

• Getting a bizarre, burning reaction on my hands two weeks ago. Woke up with a rash that developed into blisters and vomiting, it's still here and I look like some burns victim
• Being generally disrespected (and shouted at, in front of everyone else in the office) at work
• Crying at work because of the shouting
• Not being brave enough to tell them to shove their fucking job up their asses
• New glasses that hurt my eyes
• The general darkness that is all around - what the fuck am I doing...etc...

Ok, basically I don't post when I'm having a really crap time in my life and as I've been having the whole "oh my god, what the fuck am I doing with my life" thing, I didn't think that you'd be interested. I mean, jesus, I've bored myself stupid over the last 6 weeks.

Fun things from the last 6 weeks:

Went to see Stoning Mary at the Royal Court - really, really good. The repeating of words works really well. I loved the arguments with the voices in their heads made visible to us... Poetic, fast-paced, beautiful. I liked the way they were individual stories but all linked. Literally tears in my eyes at the end - really powerful imagery - I especially liked the blue stone (little things like that always stick with me for some reason...). The writer has been talking about the fact that the stories are based in Africa but transposed to the UK and how we 'don't get it'. To be fair we (the 'west') don't have any real concept of fighting over a AIDS prescription, child soldiers or being stoned to death so it's natural for us to repond to the relationships because that's what we know...

Went to see the Manic Street Preachers at Hammersmith Apollo (or whatever it's called these days!). I really didn't want to but y'know what bugger it, I love 'em! I'm really fucking love 'em - I don't give a shit that they're old and a bit boring these days, I mean I'm old and boring too. I'm not the angry 14 year old that used to shout their lyrics while swigging on vodka and smoking fags and lusting after Nicky Wire...oh, wait I still do that bit...(my truth is that I went for a meal before the gig and was drinking white wine!)

Less fun things from the last 6 weeks

I asked my boyf if he'd like to move in with me in a few months...but for gods sake I can't spend more than a weekend with him and not want to kill him at some point - I'm taking this growing up thing rather too seriously...

I changed my doctor and I'm finally getting treated well. I get really bad periods and I mean really bad. I vomit, I blackout with the pain, I stab random people on the street for looking at me funny (alright, I haven't actually done the last one but I certainly would like to!). My new doctor has changed my medication and is sending me for a scan.

I got promoted, YAY! But I haven't been coping too well as I really have no idea about computers and/or IT. I've been able to blag it before but I couldn't this time. I actually had to ask for...help...yuck!

Things have been a little crazy of late...starting with the wildness of the recent party. I mainly argued with people for the sake of it and got generally annoyed with other people…apparently I was lots of fun but I kinda started thinking about my level of drinking. I mean I do like a drink. In fact, I’m known for liking a drink but it’s beginning to get out of control. If I don’t remember the night before and I literally vomit for 2 day after, then it’s no longer any fun, is it? Here starts the beginning of me trying to be ‘controlled’ in my drinking…


…until Saturday maybe…’cos you can’t do ‘Scope sober…

…no, right this time I really mean it… etc…etc…

Vote for a later tube on Friday and Saturday nights here - lets drag this city into the modern age!

Party update here - I still feel a little bit sick!

Yay! I had to get up early this morning and start off one of our training courses at work...came home shattered to a dozen red roses! Hurrah!

We're currently getting the house ready for our party this evening - I'm a little over excited.

I'll update on the goings on tomorrow!!!

Carla came around last night and we all had a wonderful, yummy dinner and moaned about how we never really go out anymore! I'm in real need of a wild, drunken girls night out at our favourite club Bedrock and we have booked one in for end of Feb (it seems that growing up means that you have to schedule everything including hedonism!). Although we do have another house party before then but being the hostesses it means that you don’t really relax until much later in the evening (and, of course, by relaxed I do mean falling over drunk!).

Things are looking up on the job front – I’ve been offered more money (for more work!) but it’s defiantly what I was looking for and it means that I don’t have to leave just yet…Jessie’s had good news on that front – she will be working at Burning Man this summer (we’re all really happy for her after the jealous spitting finished!)

After some wise words from Jan-Jan and Lee (mum & dad!)
("Darling, if you didn't forgive people you'd have no lovers and no friends", "people make mistakes") I met up with the boy/f yesterday and we've laid down a few groundrules...and things are back on. Hopefully it'll all be ok! I'm certainly feeling a lot more positive about everything at the moment. I was great to have the parents down although I haven't seen them much because they've been sorting out my grandparents old shop but we managed to arrange me visiting Hastings in a couple of weekends and for them to visit London again in mid-Feb.

Today I'm planning to clean the house a little and then go to play badminton with Helski!

I am worth $1,660,820.00 on HumanForSale.com - should I be offended that my mates are worth more???

melodramatic, moi?

Boy/f front has changed again – he came round drunk and after some bad behaviour from me (after being woken up and laughed at!) he launched into an hour-long intimidating bullying session, which pretty much consisted of him shouting “CUNT!” in my face…not sure where we stand now. Morally, I shouldn’t take him back under any circumstances…emotionally, I miss my fucking boy/f. Taking him back however, would validate his behaviour, which cannot be allowed…
On the work front things are getting worse…I feel that I have been systematically belittled since I joined and after 2 years and 4 months I was at the point of believing that I can only do a job that a school leaver could do…but after a couple of recent comments (including “didn’t they teach you anything on that course of yours?” – a two year Arts Management course (!) and “you should maybe put these students details on a database” – what? Really? Thanks I hadn’t thought about that! and being told that I should spend “more money on clothes” – hello, some months I don’t have enough money to eat, let alone buy new clothes!) anger has got a hold of me and I’m thinking about fighting back. I have complained to the Board before but to no avail and I’m now at the point where I have to decide to either ask for a pay rise or leave. Much thinking is in order.

Hyperventilating! I can't wait!

The last few weeks have been pretty tumultuous - I have decisions to make, as those of you who know me I find this quite difficult at the best of times...I need to think about my job. I have a wonderful job, I'm rarely really bored (although there's only so much admin a girl can do without loosing the will to live!) but I really don't feel like I'm being pushed enough in the right directions. I constantly fire fight and have no time to think constructively about or plan for the future...the company has been in a particularly difficult period so I have been not asking for a pay rise, not rocking the boat but we're still in this 'difficult' period over a year later and I'm beginning to feel stuck. There's a more senior job going which some people in the office have suggested that I go for but it's an awful lot of work for not much money (although so much more than I'm on now!) and I'm not sure if it's the right direction for me to take. It was great recently meeting up with my best friend from school (finally off tour and settled in one place for a while!). She reminded me that all I wanted from when I was 14/15 was to have my own theatre, producing my own productions, etc. It was nice to be reminded of this dream and acknowledge that I am on the right path but there's so much more that I need to grab for with both hands!

On the relationship side I have been with the boyf for almost 1 and 1/2 years now and we've both been pushing the boundaries of the relationship - good behaviour is out of the window! This has however led to an understanding that we do want to be together but we both need to spend some time sorting out our 'careers'!

Friendship front - I had a lovely evening at the Turkish Baths with Helski and Jessie on wednesday. It was really good to catch up and have a good old girly bitch and scrub down!

This weekend the boy/f is coming over for a quiet Friday night (this month is frugal beyond belief), Saturday we're going to meet his sister for a wander round Brick Lane and Spitalfields Market and on Sunday (if I have money left!) I'll be attending the wonderful Chris K's birthday meal and visit to the cinema!

This holiday season I have mainly:

- spent xmas day with boy/f (a wonderful day!
- received lots of lovely presents (although loads of grown up ones - is this a hint do you think?)
- had housemates families visiting (thanks to Jessie’s step dad for fixing everything in sight, thanks to Helski dad for joining in with our face pulling on the tube)
- a quiet new year with Lucy, Kev, Jess and Helski (boy/f turned up later) - full of champers, food and best friends - all you need from new year really!
- Jessie’s b/day - a stroll along the south bank, the snow slide at Tate Modern (I took photos at the bottom!), a pub, a meal at The Stockpot and homemade birthday cake
- bought a new camera phone
- bought a plug in sega and so have been playing Sonic the Hedgehog 2 obsessively for the last week
- thought a lot about what I want from 2005 - I spent a lot of last year being unhappy about various things and situations that I allowed myself to be put into...I'm not planning to let that happen this year

Resolutions include:

- to do more home baking
- to pass 1st degree in wicca (I bought a lifetime membership to Witch School in a hope to encourage this)
- to cycle more (and so far I have cycled to and from work twice - including in the rain!)
- to have more leisure time (or at least use it constructively)

p.s. my mobile phone is buggered so any of you trying to call me will be out of luck!

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of events - lots of xmas parties and too many mince pies!

I've just waved goodbye to Lornie (off to Spain), to Hels (off to Bournemouth) and Carla (off to Liverpool). They are all away for xmas and Jessie goes on Friday morning; so the boy/f and I are going to be alone for xmas. I'm beginning to look forward it now - although at first I was very worried about it...sure it'll be coolio! I don't get paid until Friday so I'll have to go out and buy his presents then - still not sure what to get! Looked for designer t-shirts today, nothing...might have to rely on foodie presents! Overall, I've been a bit skint this year so friends have all had home-made chocolate truffles for pressies - they're really yummy! However, now everyone I know is making them!

Well, the housewarming party was amazing...didn't finish until gone 9am the next day! The standout moments were:

• Lovely presents from Fiona and Boosh (coffee candle burning and the tapestry up!)
• One rather drunk young man pissing himself (naughty!)
• Removing myself and boy/f from the party quite early on be rather dirty in my bedroom (don't worry, the door was locked!)
• Mickey having to be removed from my breasts numerous times (the e'd up little bugger)
• Standing inbetween a hard man and a tranny (y'know if you put tranny through the spellcheck it comes up with tyranny - how apt!) and telling them both to grow up and behave because they were really annoying!!!
• Lornie's Little Will (yay!) gurntastically having loads of fun
• Jess swigging on a bottle of brandy at 6am in morning
• Jesus, the hangover all of the following day

Sunday, having almost recovered the boy/f and I went shopping in Stratford (and got very little apart from food). We then came home and boy/f cooked a lovely meal (chicken - but I got a mushroom version) in the left over mulled wine - yummy!

Apart from that I've been doing loads of homework (with Lucinda from works help!). Although I'm now at college and blogging instead of doing my work - silly boo!

At the weekend I went to a friends birthday at Garlic & Shots and as I walked in I came across an adorable young man who I haven't seen in ages. We once spent a memorable night together in my bed when we were both in our teens, freezing to death (my parents house in Newcastle had no heating!) waiting for a micro dot to work. It never did...I have very fond memories of him and can't wait to see him again!

This weekend I'll be busy hosting a training course for work. Should be fun though as an old work colleague is doing it (one who I ended up out until 5am with the other week!) and a new work colleague is helping me host. Of course, I'm also hoping to learn a lot too!

I've almost sorted out my room at home and have written a rather obsessive list about all the other things that need doing in the rest of the house. I'm hoping to have them all done by 13th December because Hels and Lornie are back from South Africa then and it'll be great to have an almost finished house for them to come back to (plus it gives me a deadline to work to!)

I also sorted out my housewarming for the girls - keyrings with 'Mile End Rats' engraved on one side and their initials on the other - I hope they like them (I adore mine!)

So far this week I have:

Bought 3 new pairs of shoes (1 plain black dolly shoe, 1 dolly shoe with red butterflies on, 1 pair of slouchy black boots)
Stayed out till 5pm on a work night drinking lemon liquor in a Fashion St flat with a couple of ladies from work/ex-work and some ungodly young men.
Done a 20 mins micro-teach session as part of my City & Guilds 7302
Bought 2 pashminas (1 red, 1 black - all occasions covered!)
Got excited about our house warming
Drunk far too much
Talked to mates I haven't heard from in ages

YAY! YAY! YAY!

House warming party tonight - the house is beginning to look sorted, the fairy lights are up, my feather boa is hanging on the door (this is the crowning glory of any room I move into - the point I know that I am unpacked!), the invites have gone out, the beer/wine/vodka is being bought this afternoon...can't wait!!!

Whoop, whoop!

So, that last entry was bloody depressing wasn't it?

I'm feeling better, pay day has been and gone...I'm late at work waiting for Helski to turn up and us to drop our stuff off at the new house. We're finally moving in tomorrow (at last!). The last 5 weeks have been stressful and emotion filled. There were a few rough patches with the boy/f while we got used to living in such a close proximity, lots of tears, missing of best friends (who were all over the other side of London or visiting relatives and friends), the dark circles are still around my eyes, dealt with illnesses (of my own and other peoples), I haven't mediated, no exercise, writing of lists and plans of what I'll do "when I move in", I met the boy/fs parents (who are lovely!), got so drunk at a colleagues leaving party that I slept for the whole weekend following, went to see Antony and the Johnsons (beautiful, beautiful, beautiful), listened to the new Manic Street Preachers album (online only, still haven't got around to buying it...), worried, got angry at boy/fs housemates (it's so difficult to be nice all the time especially when people are weird and obsessive!) - blah, blah, blah - I'm just looking forward to going back to my own room and to be surrounded by my own things! Can't wait to see my wonderful ladies again (I'm even looking forward to seeing Jessie in the mornings!)