Slow Panic Setting

My default setting these days tends to be a simmering under level of slow panic. I've done what I always do when faced with any sort of (real or imagined) deadline.  I've given myself more to do.  Basic, every day tasks linger by the wayside whilst I move silent screaming adding more podcasts, journalling, emails, research, essay writing, work, exercise, tasks to the my ever growing list of things I won't get done.  I don't like living like this so why do I keep doing it to myself.  Crippling myself with too much *should* dos.  Making mistakes, feeling the scratching throat of illness looming, worry, worry, worry.  Worry, anxiety and stress leaving me stuck in a situation I'm bored of putting myself in but it's part of a cycle that I seem unable to move out of...    

Transformation and Self-Care

Last years word was transformation - I searched high and low for positive role models to surround myself with, I fought with all my might against the dark depression which pulls me down every now and then. I read uplifting blogs, bought books, went to witch school, did endless online courses, filled in my workbooks, attempted to make eye contact with people... but still... I feel like haven't totally re-linked my brain to work with me instead of against.  It feels like an uphill struggle and I'm not always sure I'm moving in the right direction.  I'm trying to understand... to look at my past and accept the decisions I made then, to look at the present and show myself some forgiveness and understanding and to look forward to my future (and accept that I may actually have one - having your parent die in their 50s has created a bit of block beyond that point...). 

This years word is self-care, I've explored 'myself' and worked towards transformation and now what I really need to do is look after myself to try and help towards putting some of that into practice.  Understand that I'm a loud and often brash introvert that really needs downtime.  Self time.  Quiet.  Calm.  Hot baths.  Massages.  Happy music.  Clean sheets.  Less clutter.  Walking to work.  Breathing space.  Beautiful smells.  Magic.  Intuition.  Flowers.  Writing paper.  Creams and potions.  Laughter.  Gorgeous food.

I also need to accept my flaws and quirks and really work hard at loving myself.  It's the only way that I'm going to move forward and move towards the light and away from the darkness. 

10 years of grief

It wasn't exactly a sudden death. We had been given time.

We grew up with a father who was a drinker, social at first, then solitary. Alcoholism takes over slowly and grows like mould. I didn't have the best childhood but certainly not the worst. Despite the alcoholism, I knew we were loved. I should be thankful that we had 10 years of a sober Dad and 10 years of knowing that he would die early... hepatitides and cirrhosis of the liver but we ignored the fact. Ignored when he could no longer process salt. Ignored it still when his belly grew large and had to be drained. Tried to ignore the blood. Once he got to the ICU at Conquest Hospital it was time to accept that things weren't looking good. An ambulance journey to the liver ward in King's College Hospital, London where I joined my mum and my brother... waiting. Morphine given he uttered his last words "into the arms of morpheus" and slept for a whole weekend before he finally died.


Time is taken up with funeral planning and arrangements and making sure you let everyone in the family know. After the funeral my grief became overwhelming and despite the support of my family and partner, grief counselling and anti depressants the urge to wipe myself off the face of the earth became all encompassing. After a year of suicidal thoughts and only darkness I began to look forward to taking steps into the small shaft of light that had appeared in the corner of my eye - we moved, I got a new job, we tried to spend time doing happy things.


During this time my mum started shrinking... she was a big woman with a big personality and she just... got smaller. She, we, her doctor all assumed it was grief but two years later she managed to get some tests done. Cancer of the oesophagus which despite chemo (that was a shit Christmas!) spread like wildfire through her body. 6 months later she was dead too.


My parents missed watching me get married, have children, grow up (28 - 38 has been a long decade!). I miss them every day with all my heart.


So, grief does evolve and change over time but there are times when it hits you like a train. Sometimes you can plan for these - anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas - you know that they are going to be hard. Other times like when my little girl lifts her eyebrow in a particular way my dad did or when my little boy laughs like my mum did, my heart could explode from the love and pain it causes.

Paul Lee Foxall
29/05/1948 - 05/12/05

"As they pulled you out of the oxygen tent you asked for the latest party"
David Bowie, Diamond Dogs 

Tuesday, December 20, 2005
I'm barely able to function. Everything is taking twice as long as it should. I feel as though I'm walking in syrup. My throat keeps contracting so I can't breathe. I'm scared. I sob on public transport. I can't sleep. When I do finally get to sleep, I can't wake up. I'm angry. I feel like screaming. I laugh. I'm manic. I stamp my foot and shout "it's not fucking fair".

Apparently these are all natural reactions to death.

I just miss my dad so fucking much. 

Jan Maloney
17/08/52 - 07/07/08

Thursday, October 02, 2008
I'm short of inspiration. I'm running on empty. I cannot create. I'm tired. I cannot think in a straight line. I'm worried about the future. I'm Esther crawling between the mattress and the padded bedstead.

Transformation 

This year has been about the attempt to transform... working full time, husband, household and two young children do not make things easy going.  


However, we're coming up to 10 years since my father died and it feels like a good time to lay to rest my resulting breakdown and the following deaths of my mother and my grandparents.  My brother and I scattered our parents ashes into the river before New Year and I started this journey of transforming.  

I move daily - walk, stretch, smile.

I remind myself to be BRAVE (bold, radiant, alive, vibrant and eager).    

I've been awakening my magical side with the support of a wonderful group of witches.

I allow transformation to happen without being scared or in fear.

I create creative play areas for my children - their rooms are their own at last! 

Still to work on:

An altar to express my gratitude 

A creative space for me

Keep moving - regular yoga and/or exercise 

Changing the garden and bathroom into relaxing spaces we want to be in!

To control my anxiety

To feel confident while driving  

Wow, what a changing journey life is.  I read back at some of these diary entries and don't recognise what I used to be.  I work full time as an agent for outdoor entertainers.  A job I love and I believe that it makes a difference to peoples world and environment.  Who isn't a little bit happier when they come across something that makes them laugh?  I *try* (read constantly battle!) to balance that with family and friends.  My little one isn't so little now - a wild, stubbon and often crazy boy who makes me laugh every day.  It's fun watching someone grow and explore and discover.  I wish I could spend more time with him but our situation has meant that it isn't possible.  Besides providing a stable roof over his head, food and days out is part of raising a child too.

Far Reaching and Epic Changes

Our son arrived in April and has been spreading his wonderful chaos around our lives ever since. Only now am I able to take a step back and register the change in my life. I make jam. I puree organic vegetables to feed to my child. I bake cakes. Although, I have a feeling that this won't last when I return to work next month!

“Beneath the makeup and behind the smile I am just a girl who wishes for the world.” Marilyn Monroe

Haven't written anything for ages - I'm not even sure how I even begin to sum up the last couple of months. The already afoot changes in and around my life are far reaching and epic but on a pretty personal scale. I don't really feel the need to broadcast my innermost thoughts and feelings to the 'world' on a regular basis but don't feel as though I'm quite ready to let this blog go. My opinions are still strong and varied and it may might not take much to get the juices flowing again. Although, saying that I don't want to turn into one of those middle-aged, self-centered, sad motherfuckers whose mundane and dull life is played out through blogs, tweets and facebook updates and not by actually connecting in real life to real people... Err, epic fail since 2002 and counting.

'Citing Innit

A promo video including a few of the acts I represent at Fool's Paradise:

A bit delayed but...

Boudicca and Joe’s Honeymoon Adventures

Cruise to Norway, 9th – 16th May 2009

At Sea, 10th May

We awoke early to bright glassy cold looking sea and we waited for our breakfast in bed with much excitement. Later in the day, champagne with strawberries dipped in chocolate were delivered to our cabin which we ate with much relish while dressing for the first formal evening – our captain’s dinner!

Stavanger, 11th May

Sun streaming through the curtains. A glimpse of land... NORWAY!!!

Lysefjord & Pulpit Rock

A boat trip along Lysefjord, a fjord that cuts almost 25 miles deep into the country. We were surrounded by steep mountainside, waterfalls and the occasional small farm. The fjord is 1,384 feet deep and the rocks at the side reached almost as high which made for some dramatic views. The boat travelled directly under the ‘Pulpit Rock’ on the northern side of the fjord, which is a well known protruding rock formation 1,968 feet above sea level. We then stopped for coffee and freshly-made waffles with cream and jam.

Stavanger on Foot

We explored around Stavanger’s Valberg Tower which overlooks the central part of the city and harbour. It was used as a watchtower in case fire broke out in the wood buildings. In Old Stavanger we made our way through the well preserved 18th and 19th Century wooden houses.

Flaam, 12th May

We ascended to the top of the boat at 6.30am to see the ship sail into the Flaam. The snow capped mountains were really wonderful and certainly worth getting up early for.

Norway in a Nutshell

We went on the Flam railway line between Flam and Myrdal. Its 12 miles long but the journey took 50 minutes. We climbed from 16 feet to 2,845 feet, going through 20 tunnels and we stopped at the Kjosfoss waterfall which was huge! We changed trains at Myrdal onto Voss for an amazing buffet lunch with loads of lovely, smoked fish. The coach journey back went down a very steep 21 hairpin bends. We also stopped at the 305 foot Kjosfossen Waterfall where we drank the water to ensure eternal youth (worth a try!).

Olden, 13th May

A late rise reveals the town of Olden by green slopes capped by snow clad mountains. A grey start becomes a beautiful sun drenched clear day.

Briksdal Glacier

We coached through the Olden Valley admiring the mountains, glacier tongues and waterfalls. We arrived at the Briksdal Inn and then we had a steep walk up through craggy rocks and crashing waterfalls to the glacier. The ancient ice formation moves approx. 1.5 metres a day and as it moved we heard its creaks and groans echoing thunderously around the valley. A really inspiring day.

Bergen, 14th May

Bergen on Foot

A walk through busy Bergen where we are shown the gardens, hanseatic merchant quarters and the fish market. We also went 1050 feet up the Mount Floien funicular to experience fantastic views. In the evening after sailing away from Norway with some sadness, it was to the ship’s casino we headed; not to gamble but for the James Bond quiz. The winner is... Joe! Yay, a bottle of wine!

At Sea, 15th May

A very yummy dinner in the onboard Marco Pierre White restaurant – a wonderful last evening treat.

Southampton, 16th May

Arrive home, tired but very happy!

Boudicca's photos here

Joe's photos here

The Dead Christ by Gregorio Fernández (1576-1636)

"To read a newspaper is to refrain from reading something worthwhile. The first discipline of education must therefore be to refuse resolutely to feed the mind with canned chatter."
Aleister Crowley

I quite enjoy magazines and television precisely because they stop me from thinking... must try harder.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Today I'm tired because I stayed up dancing to 6 Music last night - the tracklisting is here.

"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better." Samuel Beckett

"I think anyone can do theatre. Even actors. And theatre can be done everywhere. Even in a theatre." Augusto Boal

Concentrating on the Positive

Going to Ibiza in 4 days
Getting married in 17 days
Going to Norway in 25 days

Stars for today from Rick Levine

Although it might seem like others at work are just starting a project anew, you have already begun yours. It's time for you to take your efforts to the next level by bringing additional stability into your life. This may require a new and different way of allocating your time. Instead of focusing on an inspirational or creative process, increase productivity by prioritizing your tasks and then doing them methodically, one after another.

Never before have the stars been so clear to me and what I have to do!

Parlez-Vous Popbitch 09

Update your vocab the media-wank way

* Surprise sex is now known as a Pardew.
* Accidental pregnancy is a Spicer.
* Using your child to gain your own fame - pulling a Fritzl (male), or doing a Myerson (female)
* Becoming a celebrity because your parents are famous - a Geldof.