One of those ridiculous mememe’s that are doing the rounds on blogs:

A - Available: certainly not, how rude.
A - Age: 29
A - Annoyance: rudeness in other people (I don’t mind it in me!)

B - Best Friend: The Rats and extended rat family
B - Bar: don’t really ‘do’ bars, certainly don’t have a favourite.
B - Birthday: March 7th

C - Crush: Gosh, there are so many where should I start? Howard T J Moon (AKA Julian Barrett) is my current paramour, Matt Willis, Christopher Walken, Carl Barrett, Brendan Fraser, Johnny Depp, Robin Ince, Stewart Lee, Nicky Wire, Jack White, Cillian Murphy, should I stop yet. I adore looking at a beautiful man. It’s all in the eyes…that knowing sparkle!
C - Car: none, although I have been thinking that I should retry my driving test again soon. The idea of being able to escape is currently very appealing.
C - Cat: none but I’d love some, I currently have my online kitten to your right and I have soft toy that I’ve fallen in love with…

D - Dead Pet’s Name: Cats – puzzle, zebadee. Hamster – too many to mention!
D - Dad’s name: Lee
D - Dog: none, boyf would like a Jack Russell though. Not too sure – I’d quite like a labradoodle just so I could laugh at it!

E - Easiest person to talk to: my mum
E - Eggs: well done, I hate those see through bits in the white when they aren’t cooked right.
E - Email: biteme@youloveus.com

F - Favourite colour: black, red, pink
F - Food: there’s nothing that I don’t enjoy but I always go back to pesto, cheese, nice bread, hot pepper sauce, sushi, miso soup, rahmens…
F - Foreign Slang: Boo, as in a boyfriend or girlfriend e.g. "I love you, Boo." – not that I’m self centred or anything.

G - Gummy Bears or Worms: neither, sour jellies
G - God: Right, are you ready…“god” is basically an easily understandable symbol, humans use symbols to describe difficult or abstract concepts like the interaction of spirit and body. These symbols or allegories allow us to understand things like energy and spirit and self, they allow conceptual thinking…i.e. all religion is allegory. We are hard wired for belief - we need to make some sort of sense of the world around and inside us...

"So God is dead, like Nietzsche said/Superstition is all we have left" 1985, Manic Street Preachers

G - Good Time: long, hot, relaxing baths with candles and smellies!

H - Hair Colour: dyed black (red black, blue black makes me look like I’m about to die)
H – Height: 5'8"
H - Happy: really happy only quietly…and not too often.

I - Ice cream: I like the grown up stuff - vanilla, coffee, pistachio and if I’m feeling wild a ‘99
I - Instrument: none, although I did once get a grade 1 in flute –rock and roll!
I - Idol: Again, so many! Brian Patten, Nicky Wire, William S Burroughs, Allen Ginsberg, Joss Whedon, Roman Dirge, Jhonen Vasquez the list goes on…

J - Jewellery: 4 silver, one rope pattern one from Lorna on my left little finger, one curly one on my first finger of my right hand, one amber one on my ring finger of my right hand, one curly, Celtic one on my little finger of my right hand.
J - Job: Arts Administrator
J - Joke: ok, are you ready for this because you will weep with the joy that this joke gives you?

When a pee falls from your plate onto the floor, look at it and point and say “Escape-Pee”.

What do you mean it isn’t funny? That’s the funniest thing in the world, a joke for all. The universal joke, if you will.

K - Kids: none yet…”I want a fucking baby!”
K - Karate: black belt, mate. Why? You wanna start something?
K - Kung fu: Bruce Lee’s got nothin’ on me!

L - Longest Car Ride: I get car sick, they all feel like the longest ride…*vomits into lap*
L - Longest Relationship: I once almost made the 6 years mark…I’ve been with the latest one for 2 years and 10 months. I don’t really do short relationships, I’m in it for the long haul.
L - Last thought: trying to remember my colleagues password that I gave her and where I put the cunning numbers instead of letters

M - Milk Flavour: Loveliness = McDonalds Strawberry Milkshake
M - Mother’s Name: Jan (or janimal the animal, depending on mood)
M - Movie Last Watched: X-Men 3 at the cinema (I sobbed like a child when Xavier got killed, so glad I went by myself!) and Serenity at home (which was kick ass great)

N - Number of Siblings: 1 baby bro (I say baby, what I mean 27 this week...)
N - Northern or Southern: Well, Southern by birth but Northern by traits and where I’ve spent the most time.
N - Name: Boudicca Lee Maloney

O - One Wish: after just spending half an hour trying to sort out my finances – never to have to worry about money again…
O - One Phobia: Moths – bloody hate them
O - Otter Pop: Eh? Otters I like. Pop I like. Together I’m not so sure. Am I missing something is otter pop some weird sexual thing that I haven’t done yet? Just done an internet check and it seems that otter pops are ice pops, in which case I like the blue raspberry ones.

P - Part of your appearance you like best: I’m a goddess, we don’t have to choose the best bits we’re totally amazing (moi ego be bloody quiet for one minute, eerrrhh, eyes?)
P - Parents, are they married or divorced: not married but cohabited (but only after the children had grown up and left home)
P - Part of your personality you like best: see above

Q - Quick or Slow?: Quicker than lightening
Q - Queen or Queer?: Queen of Fucking Everything!
Q - Quiet or Loud?: veer from one to the other at alarming speeds

R - Reason to smile: when listening to your CD player in the street or on the tube and you actually want to jump up and air guitar to the best bit but you can’t – a smile to yourself is enough!
R - Reality TV Shows: hate them but once they are on I can’t turn over.
R - Right or Left: Politically left, right handed

S - Song Last Heard: The new Embrace World Cup football song. Danny McNamara reaching some amazing high notes quite badly. Shit but I know that I’ll be singing alone within 2/3 more plays on Xfm
S - Season: Autumn
S - Sex: often, thank you.

T - Time you woke up: 8.20am – I should have got up at 7.30am…but I’m lazy.
T - Time Now: 2pm – doing this is more fun than going out for lunch.
T - Time for bed: I’ll go to bed at 10pm but won’t get to sleep until the pips go on radio 4

U - Unknown Fact about me: a really embarrassing one – I was once so bored during a school assembly I sat there eating my bogies…I was 8!
U - Unicorns: love ‘em, always eating the roses in gardens though.
U - U are: you are, if you please.

V - Vegetable you hate: I quite like vegetables – I used to refer to the broad bean as the devils bean but I’ve grown up a bit and quite like them now.
V - View on Politics: I used to want to be a political journalist and I still like to listen to Today in Parliament but mainly to moan about it all.

V - Victoria's Secret: that she’s anorexic and dreams of having a breast larger than 22 A???

W - Worst Habits: I have so many…nail biting, remote control hogging, swearing like a navvy, the weird OCD habits, etc
W - Where are you going to travel next?: Planned holiday - Egypt – 2 weeks in December. I’m already overexcited. I'm also hoping for a holiday with the boyf in September if I can get the time off work - anywhere...just hot and cheap.
W - Weight: I’m a lady, I don’t need to answer that.

X - X-Rays: quite handy for looking inside you?
X - Xylophone: I played one once during a school play, I rocked out!
X - Xenon: Number 5 on the periodic table? (interesting fact: xenon is present in the Martian atmosphere to the extent of about 0.08 ppm)

Y - Year you were born: 1977
Y - Year it is now: 2006
Y - Yellow: nicotine stains and wee

Z - Zoo Animal: Crazy llamas and the day the llama got out, went crazy and started hoofing the public, "hoofing doctors, hoofing vicars". There’s only one way to calm a llama down:

Calm a llama down
Calm a llama deep down in the ocean blue
Like a barnacle
Sitting in the tight place
Laughing like a monkey arm
Pulling like a china boy
Caraway caraway caraway noise
Boing chika masala
Boing chika masala
Ooooooo tooth tooth (sharp intake of breath)

The Mighty Boosh

Z - Zodiac: Piscean.
Z - Zoolander: a quite rubbish film that I watch because David Duchovny was in it!

Janimal Russia Updates:

June 10th

"I'm wearing a T shirt saying "Vodka Connecting People# in the Vodaphone font. Bought it for Dashbags - i hope a wash will make it still ok - I sat through my first footie match 2night. England v Paraguay Not a great match but no longer a football virgin.

After the talent show with all the designer parents (one kid wore Dolce & Gabana wellies on the trip to the cattle farm!) there were 3 taxis laid on 4 the English staff to go to the Sports Bar
in town to watch the first english match of the world cup Seemed churlish to refuse and I knew the bar had a good screen and alco beer! Also nought else to do so I went.

I left just after match over, mooning, shouting, spilt beer but just before broken glass, threatening goons and tears!!!

Escaped to the submarine internet caff again with the young lads game playing. On the way I passed women collecting water from the stand pipe to take back to little wooden houses nestling between grotty blocks of flats."

June 10th

"Narrafaminsk - that's the name of the town - my spelling - where I now hang out!

We had the 10 & 11 year olds rocking it to Back in the USSR - very successful- took lots of work to get them singing along with the Beatles. And I got them to write a newspaper - beats actually teaching them! Gotta scrape the barrel for these last 3 days - I haven't played consequences yet but that won't last long!"

The weather in London has gone from blistering heat to torrents of rain - outside my work window the world looks grey and very wet indeed. Thunder and lightening directly overhead, cars on the road surfing through huge puddles (lakes?), my windows open open to the fullest point breathing in the refreshing, clean air. I love a good downpour - it cleans everything away and prepares for the next epoch (my hands are on the keyboard trying to stop gathering up two of everything on the desk...)

The lads in the downstairs office are actually flooding...bail out, bail out!

Nicky Wire's Secret Society - I don't think that there is a measurement for just how excited I am about this...a non-album download track too. Oh, The Wire, you are spoiling us!

Disclaimer: these emails are a true and accurate record of my mothers time in Russian. Mum, you can't sue me for putting these on my site (and anyway, Jess made me!)

Jan is currently in Russia teaching for 3 weeks. Her emails have been increasing odd...

May 28th

"kids cool, I'm staying in a sanitorium - a nurse binds my foot at 9am and 9pm everyday
Now in interent cafe in shopping centre under Kremlin - we just went on Moscow metro getting off to see the gorgeous stations - 4got camera!!!"

June 3rd

"Back in my inter caff - thought to email e to get me a dental appt! On return.

Not much luck on amber so far - no green to be seen all lush trad big lumps of the well...amber stuff.

This holiday job is quite a strain I must say - a very different culture all those years of communism have left their mark, big time For eg we're expected to sit at separate tables with the children at meals - one break they didn't come in so we were sitting together and having a cuppa & chat - the English teachers - and the woman running it (younger than you!) comes over and tells us we must sit with the children - even of they're not there it seems!!!!

Dotty!"

June 7th

"Hi kids hows tricks?

I'm nibbled by mozzies, patrolled by Russian teachers and mobbed by spoilt Russian brats. Still, it's nearly time to come home! And this week is moving faster because my foot is better and I can go out! Bus and a walk down a dirt track and hurrah internet - here I am with all the local yoofs playing games! in a place3 done to look like a submarine!!!

Weird and wonderful - off to a sports bar after to drink and watch tennis - I found non alco Becks in Moscow - don't believe I'll be so lucky here in hicksville."

June 7th

"thought i send you some russian lettering*
??????? ??????? ??????????
????????? ??????????????? ????????????????????? ?
???????890?0??????????????????

?????????????????
????? ????? ????? ???????

Do you agree?
I thought you would.

love
mum
xxx"

Only a week to go and she returns to the UK...she went away crazy, will she return even crazier?!?

*which of course, doesn't show correctly on the old interweb...but I did babelfish it and it isn't in Russian - I should decode it and find out the KGB secrets that she's trying to pass into this country...nah, can't be arsed!

Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy

Things I steal from SargentPepper:

Your Personality Is Like Acid

A bit wacky, you're very difficult to predict. One moment you're in your own little happy universe... And the next, you're on a bad trip to your own personal hell!

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

So, first day back after a [shit] week off and back to a load of fucking shit. I wish I could curl up into a ball and fucking die....I wonder if they are the sucidial thoughts that the website research has warned me about...

Ok, so no posts for a while. I've been on leave from work and removed myself from internet and mobile phone usage. I'm am currently in prozac withdrawal as I went to my doctor as I felt that I was still getting side effects from the prozac, he however thought that I needed a higher dose. Unfortunately he gave me the drug that I'd had a previous horrible reaction to...I didn't notice until a few days later when I was acting most peculiar. I went to the doctor and gave him a piece of my mind, he took me off the drugs and told me in actual fact the side effects that I thought I was having still were actually a low level allergic reation...the joy. During the past week I have been suffering from a number of the symptoms below. They only last for 4-6 weeks though...I really can't take much more of this...

Withdrawal Symptoms from Prozac:
Anxiety
Dizziness
Fatigue
Restlessness
Tremors
Visual hallucinations
Diarrhea
Blurred vision
Headache
Insomnia
Nausea
Vomiting
Muscle and joint pain
Jolting electric "zaps"
Tingling sensations
Vertigo
Anorexia
Agitation
Gait disturbances
Sweating
Fever
Abdominal discomfort
Flu symptoms and general malaise
Irritability
Aggression
Lethargy
Weakness
Myalgia
Chills and hot flashes
Crying spells
Suicidal thoughts
Sleep disturbance and insomnia
Nightmares
Vivid dreams
Confusion
Memory and concentration difficulties

Our new rattie recruit is doing very well, today I have given her a black star for this effort (the emails started of discussing what to get Carla for her birthday pressie!)

"AHHHHHHHH...MOOOOOO...WAAHHHHAHAHAHAHAH

LOOK AT THE VIRILENT AND DEBAUCHED EMAIL SOCIETY I HAVE CREATED!!! ALL THINGS FOUL AND BASE FLOCK THROUGH THE WIRE, AHAHAHAHAHA

HELEN IS ROPEY TART MOOOHAHA

JESS'S GRAMMAR IS VERBATIM

BOO IS THE ALMIGHTY BEELZEBUB TO WHOM I PLEDGE MY SATANIC/SATIRICAL OFFERINGS

AND LORNY...WELL SHE HIDES HER HORNS VERY WELL BENEATH HER BARNET

MOO HAHA EVIL PREVAILS"

© our very own raticus juniorus, Leo

So I went to the doctors on Friday and told him that I felt that I was still getting side effects (agitation, dry mouth, sleeplessness, headaches, dizziness, sweating, etc) from the fluoxetine. He told me it was actually because I needed a higher dose...I thought, what the fuck he might be right, I'll try anything to stop feeling this way. Unfortunately he hadn't read my notes and gave me 30mgs of paroxetine instead. It is a similar drug but I had a huge reaction against this a few months ago when I only took 3 x 20mgs (which I liken to coming up on an ecstasy tablet for ooohhhh 24hrs and then a major withdrawal crash for the next two days when I wasn't taking it). However, I didn't notice his mistake until it was pointed out to me by boyf this morning. That explains the last couple of days severe manicness, depression, dry mouth, vomiting, dizziness, agitation, headache, muscle contractions and excess sweating, etc!

Went to the doctor in a rage this morning only to be kept waiting for 1hr 30mins all the while the agitation increasing! He did admit his mistake and now suggests that I fact I was right and the side effects were happening while I was taking fluoxetine (on a smaller scale than the last few days!). So no more tablets for me and fingers crossed the withdrawal won't be as bad as last time. Additionally I have a big old sign on my medical record saying "Severe allergic reaction to fluoxetine, paroxetine and all other medicines in this family".

and oh, by the way James Dean Bradfield fucking rocked last night at the Barfly! Even cram packed into a room the size of a shoe box James Dean Bradfield managed pull me out of myself and onto another plane. I'm always amazed when a song is able to tell you about your life, to reflect yourself back at you and make you question all you believe in one minute and then bring you back to earth with a jolt the next. He was a jongleur, a minstrel, a poet-singer, a troubadour for me and me alone...

(or perhaps that was all the drugs?)

"A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer; it sings because it has a song"
Maya Angelou

Oh and I told the boyf about my suggested names for our children...to say he was unimpressed would be an understatement. However, he did come back to the subject when he was less drunk and suggested that our children could have "weird" middle names and then suggested Enfys (pronounced EN-vess - which is Welsh for rainbow)...strange boy.

Even in today's work quagmire of urgent insurance and VAT returns, I'm still inwardly shouting to myself "I'm seeing James Dean Bradfield tonight!!!" - very over excited methinks.

I have done some more research and the smell is my hair cream - I usually mix it with other products but haven't for a few weeks. I feel much happier now.

Strange things are afoot in the world of Boo:

Firstly, I have developed a strange new smell. Not an awful smell but an odd, sweaty smell. I've changed my deo, my purfume and my shower gel and none of it has made a jot of a difference. Thinking that it might be my hair so I'm going to try and wash it much more, the boyf thinks that I don't wash it enough anyway...so he'll be happy.

Secondly, I'm unable to buy any new trousers. I have tried. I've been in every shop (not that many but I am a big girl most shops don't do my sizes) that I could and nothing fit or looks quite right. I am currently stuck in light blue jeans and my inner goth is screaming to get out of them...

Thirdly, I have developed an strange new habit. I find things cute all the time. I like pictures of cute animals on the internet (a thing which has sickened me previously). I have also bought a new toy kitten which I can't leave alone - *adopting a talking to babies voice* he's got such lovely big green eyes and wonderful soft silky black fur.

Going soft in my old age?

Xfm are having a Manic Monday - playing lots of Manic Street Preachers songs and giving away tix for James Dean Bradfield's solo show (I have already bought tickets!) and I'm loving it. I keep having to turn the stereo up damn loud and resist from shouting along to all the tracks...You Love Us, Found that Soul, Motorcycle Emptiness bring them all on!!!

"Found That Soul"

Show me a wonder
You can't be sure of
I exist in a place
A self-made vacuum
But still stranded here
With all the scum
So clean - so lost - so beautiful

But I found that soul
Yeah I found that home
But I found that soul

Last night I didn't get to sleep until well past 3am - unable to stay still in bed, I went to the front room and listened to the commentary on the Mighty Boosh box set on 3 episodes which resulted in very strange dreams (mainly involving the lovely Howard Moon and some jazz free forming - there's still a wry smile on my lips today…). I woke up at 6am and got into bed with boyf who then woke me up in the morning by putting a note by my head saying that he didn't wake me up because I like to sleep!

Thoughts recently have been about getting a tattoo in memory to my dad - another dream last night involved a beautiful, sparkling, moving tattoo on my right hand shoulder and arm made up of flowers, ants, insects, whirling dervishes, books, album covers and various animals. Not sure if I’m going to be able to recreate that but I’m going to bloody try!

I also dreamt that Jan bought a 15 bedroom house in Hastings for £400K (it needed quite a bit of work but she was really looking forward to it). The dream was so real that I’ve just had to call Iain at the house and double check that it really was a dream!

Although I had very little sleep, I do feel better. I had the chance to think a few things through (I say a few things – those of you who know me or read this blog regularly know that I’ve had more than a few things on my mind!). It would have been my dad’s birthday at the end of May; the beginning of June marks the 6th month point after his death. While he was dying, I promised him a few things and it’s time to start to pull myself together and get started on them.

I had a very enjoyable few days in Brighton at Streets of Brighton which I’ll update on shortly as I saw loads of great shows. Also went to see Les Ballets C de la B last night (a heavily sex and death themed event!). I bought tickets to go and see James Dean Bradfield (him of MSP fame) do a solo show on Wednesday at the Barfly in Camden – very over-excited already.

I’m taking a week off work during the following week – which I’m really looking forward to. I keep thinking that I’d like to book myself in for a massage and a bit of a pamper somewhere and truly relax.

p.s. I'm also so bloody broody that I've named my children - a boy called Kellen (meaning mighty warrior, strong-willed) and a little girl called Shayla (meaning "from the fairy palace"). I'm sure that boyf won't mind...

You Are The High Priestess

You represent mystery - secrets that are yet to be revealed. You find yourself sitting between two worlds: one dark, one light. You tend to hold these two worlds in balance, reconciling the two. Open and welcoming, you invite others to learn your secrets. Your fortune: Something hidden, or latent, in your life is about to come forward. You need to pay more attention to your dreams, thoughts, intuition, and imagination. And if that involves tapping into your dark side, it will all balance out in the end. You have a lot of potential dying to be unleashed, so let those gates open!

What Tarot Card Are You?

Tapping into my dark side?!? I don't need to tap into it anymore than I have already!

This morning Jan-Jan and I went through the grandparents old house (they have moved to a small place) and I am now the proud owner of:

A decanter (spotty and oddly patterned and a little bit chipped)
Salad serving spoons
A moulinex blender
An old camera
A sailor doll that needs some TLC
Some wooden patterned eggs
2 lace hankies
A hair dryer

Not a bad haul for an hour. We're debating about keeping the Heals glass coffee table that I used to lay under when I was a child pulling faces at anyone who cared to put their coffee on it...I'd love to have it but not sure if there's enough room in the flat.

I also removed a dead mouse from the front room (dealing with dead animals is a recurring event in my recent life - Hecate is meddling too much with me methinks!)

Today is busy at work. Getting ready for a work visit to Brighton tomorrow and trying to sort out various other bits and bobs. I've asked by boss for some time off soon as I'm clearly not coping very well with the darkness that surrounds me. I don't think that I had enough time after my dad's death to really deal with the impact that it would make on my life. Boss was very good about it and agreed that I didn't take enough time. Hopefully the week break that I have during the first week of June will get me back onto the straight and narrow (or back onto the crooked and wide maybe!)

Sunday was wonderful (elephant madness, cuddling of lovely babies, pulling faces with cute little girls, nice lunches, catching up with mates, gifting left over sandwiches to the visiting burners at the mile end rat house, getting lovely pressies from Russia, ordering lovely amber from Russia) but now it is Monday and my life has once again fallen into the darkness...this fucking life!

My little bro is doing a sponsored swim with sharks for sense Scotland (who support sensory-impaired disabled children and adults in Scotland). He needs to raise £500 to be able to take part and swim with sharks, which is a life long ambition of his.


I really hope that you can help - any donation would be welcome!

Follow this link: Dash’s Sense Scotland page

You scored as Socialist. <'Imunimaginative's Deviantart Page'> Socialist 100% Green 92% Anarchism 92% Democrat 67% Communism 42% Republican 33% Fascism 17% Nazi 0% What Political Party Do Your Beliefs Put You In? created with QuizFarm.com

A bit of mememe before I leave work!

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	5.1
Mind:	3.8
Body:	3.6
Spirit:	6.3
Friends/Family:	4.7
Love:	7.7
Finance:	7.1
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Wonderful weekend in Hastings - we saw May Day in by rising before dawn to join the Morris Men on the Ladies Parlour to help dance the dawn in...it was pissing down. We lasted 1/2 hr before we went onto to a surreal breakfast at the Beacon, a mix of clubbers who had been up at night and over tired hippies. After this adventure I went back to Jan's to catch up on sleep, when I woke the Morris men had done their work and it was really sunny (although windy). Later in the day we went onto the castle for more Morris men madness and down to Hastings town centre to admire the bikers who congregate en masse on the seafront:

We ate fish baps, watched kids kick dead fish at their dad and got sunburnt. The journey home was the usual bank holiday affair – an annoying, drunk, loud South African, a drunk arguing couple and annoying children. Got back to London and vowed to move out of it as soon as I can, dirty, horrible, place, full of paranoid, wanky fools – I could feel my blood pressure rising as we pulled into London Bridge.

He was a hero of mine, a beautiful, ranting, despairing troubadour...but I can't take any more shameful acts from the man. Living the dream, fuck forever, searching for Albion...no, no, NO, you will not find Albion in a grotty, heroin and crack soaked flat in east london, you wanker.

Now fuck off out of my sight you useless twat!

Today has descended into finance nightmare...I need to get some bloody confidence with the accounts. I am actually quite bright (if I do say so myself) and I'm the only person I know that keeps a spreadsheet of my own personal finances - why oh why can't I cope with business ones?

From a fuck up, no money, oh fuck what are we going to do to a it's ok, we're ok, in the space of an hour and a half - man, am I looking forward to the long, bank holiday weekend. My heart and stomach acid wasn't made for this!

I'm meant to be in the gym but I'm still at work...got caught up in updating the webs*ite. Might have to force myself to get up early and go then instead. I'm also hoping to do an aqua class in the gym by work on Friday (which I'll have to pay for but my gym membership doesn't have any aqua classes - the buggers!).

I was at counselling last night and I realised that I'm still really angry about my dad dying. Angry at him for leaving me, angry at how we were dealt with at the hospital, angry that we didn't have longer with a sober dad, angry that we had so long with a drunk dad, just plain angry at everything it seems! It feels like it all hurts much more at the moment because the mist of numbness and shock is only just lifting and I'm getting back to 'normal' me. I'm also swinging from thinking that I'm being ridiculously self indulgent to feel this way to screaming inside that 'my dad's fucking dead, what the fuck am I going to do!'.

Just venting is all...

At least when I went to the counsellor she let me know that a lot of my reactions are perfectly normal reactions to the death of a close relation. Bloody hell, it's been almost 5 months of craziness, I just want to get through this year.

I'm glad that our office will be closed for all of December as it means that I don't have to be working on the 'anniversary', I really don't think that I could take that.

My specialist bitching subjects at the weekend were men, chocolate, the DLR, work, computers, DVDs, crap music, annoying spam emails, hair dye, cold sores, coffee judders, fags, deodorant, my space, hand cream, pens that always run out of ink, race equality action plans for ACE which are 3 days late, xfm presenters, weight watchers yogurt and snack a jacks for snacks, ISAN members, periods, lack of sleep, sheets that don't fit mattresses, breakfast cereals, damp towels left on floors, having no clean clothes, headaches, plasterers, decorators that won't do a job for £80 (cash in hand!), intimidating decorators that think because you're a woman you have no idea what they are talking about, broken teeth, ladies magazines, diet magazines, being late for everything, spending too much time in bed playing backgammon on your phone because you can't sleep (and loosing!), the thirst for wine, teeth grinding, bosses (who are quite nice but sometimes useless - if you want me to do something, just ask me to do it - I can't read your mind!), ACE financial reports, website designers who you're paying £7.5K coming up with ideas that I could have pulled out of my arse....*breathe* *breathe* did I miss anything? Oh yes, Paul Weller emails that start 'Exciting News!' no it isn't, you're Paul Weller you haven't done anything exciting since the Jam (apart from the Wild Wood album but I'm not going to let that get in the way of a rant!)

I felt suprisingly better after getting a wee bit drunk on Friday night (a quiet drink in a local pub that ended up with me forcing people to drink absinth and tequila!). Saturday night I felt almost human again and popped around to the rat house to catch up on some bitching and wine drinking. Lovely Julie 'popped in' for a couple of hours (after a 24hr shift!) from Oxford to join in too, hurrah!

I was meant to do sensible stuff like go to the Tate this weekend but I just stayed in bed (only leaving to stock up on food from the corner shop) and watching Sharpe. Second part this evening - I will be rushing back from my counselling session for it (nevermind about my mental stability, I want some Sean Bean hero worship!)

I was told at the weekend to release my ego...I think it may have gone too far!

You Are 86% Evil

You're the most evil person you know. The devil is even a little scared of you!

How Evil Are You?

Went to see the Mighty Boosh last night - really enjoyable (and removed me from my woes for 3 hrs!). I now have an even bigger crush on the lovely Howard TJ Moon (AKA Julian Barrett). Here, see, a picture of him sucking a lolly:

Julian: "Are you aware of the music known as jazz?"
Noel: "Jazz, what's that, 1984, Matt Bianco (sings badly) What is lo-o-o-ove anywa-a-a-y, does anybody love anybody anyway?"
Julian: "No, jazz. You fear jazz. You fear the lack of rules, the lack of boundaries. Oh look, it's a fence. But, no, it's soft."

and here's a picture for all you Noel fans:

I improved last night - worked out in the gym for ages, vented my anger then went to see the ladies and met Carla's mum and saw Jessie's wedding dress but then I went and spoilt it all by eating 1/2 a chocolate egg for breakfast and 3 chocolate bars and 2 bags of crisps for lunch today...arses.

The irony! What? It made me laugh. Ok, if I'm honest it made me laugh a hard, hollow, bitter laugh as I thought about the futility of life...god, I'm in a fucking bad mood. Yesterday I was happy and full of life and today I was late for work (30 mins late for work, WTF?) and I can't get anything finished (some things I can't even start), I'm eating too much and I feel like shit. When and how did I get so lazy and unmotivated?

What is the music world coming to?

Simon Amstell and Miquita Oliver are leaving Popworld

Rapper Proof is shot dead

Jack White sells his soul for Coke

I now have a coldsore...I woke this morning to a tell tale tingle on my top lip. Cue manic searching for Blistex Relief Cream. Loaded a huge amount on there but I'm too late, the dreaded blisters have gain strength over the day and now I'm looking like a plague victim.

And, I'm still croaking.

Went a bit crazed on books again. The boyf has mentioned that there are too many books in our home and that he doesn't want to live in a library!

Currently reading Perfume, The Story of a Murderer by Patrick Süskind and The Poems of Rowan Williams. Both are amazing, I'm really enjoying them.

Sore throat and cough is still with me. I've taken to drinking purdeys , wearing a scarf, sucking halls max strength lozenges, wiping myself in Vicks VapoRub and swigging cough medicine at all times. The heating has also stopped working in our office so I'm regularly putting my coat on too. I look like a bum...

I also wrote up all my to do things in a new notepad in a hope that it would make me feel more motivated. It only made me motivated to go to the shop and buy chocolate and more cold and flu painkillers.

...and now Creep by Radiohead is playing on the radio. Joy.

Boyf will only let me go away for Easter if I'm better. If I don't go away, I will sulk in my room eating all the Easter Eggs by myself.

The weekend was fantastic fun, the boyf and I arrived in Oxford on Friday evening and had dinner out with Eddy and Julie where we all laughed too much and then we all got an earlish night. This didn't however stop my throat becoming razor blades and sneezing maniacally.

Saturday was spent having lovely breakfast and waiting for the latecomers (the first was meant to arrive between 11am - 12noon but didn't get there until 4pm). Once we'd got most people together, a gang of us went into Oxford betted on the grand national and ate lunch at the Buttery...afterwards we ended up in pub (surprise) and waited for everyone to join us. We popped back to Julies to get ready to go out. The went for an Indian up the road and the popped back to Julies for Big Al's cocktails and champagne. We went onto a club and caused havoc - beer fights, dancing like twats and trying to avoid fights with goths! Went back to Julies for an extension of naughtiness during which I was force fed vitamin C tablets by Jess, became an agony aunt for a while, drank too much and then went and passed out in bed.

Sunday was spent recovering, eating full English breakfasts and taking the piss out of each other for bad behaviour the previous night. Sent boyf to pick up my winnings from the Grand National - a whole £2.25!

We'd all recovered enough by around 8pm so we went to eat very slowly served Sushi.

Then we had to go back to London. Journey home was lovely - George our driver was lovely and me, the Boyf, Hels, Jess and Turtle put the world to rights and we were driven through a wonderful snow storm (which had, of course, turned to cold horrible rain by the time we got back to London).

Back home to our new matress (28 cm wide deep- very cosy indeed) and tried not to die during the night. Today I have bought meltus for chesty coughs, nurofen cold and flu and halls max strength lozenges - if that doesn't get rid of my illness I don't know what will...

This week has been full of fun outings.

Seth Lakeman played at Carling Islington Academy on Tuesday. It was a pretty good evening although the audience were pretty awful - odd mix of crazy folk women (you know the type - dancing off the beat, waving hand about their heads, shaking there long henna'd hair in your face), posh totty and loud drunks. Trying to ignore the people around us, I tried to concentrate on the music. Really enjoyable but felt a little 'too polished'...when you see folk music it's usually in the pub and is played by rough old men! To see a lovely looking young man playing so beautifully was odd however, I really enjoyed it (bought the new album there and have had it on constant play since!)




Graham Coxon played at the Hammersmith Apollo on Wednesday. What can I say apart from he was absolutely bloody marvelous. Wonderful songs ranging from manic energy ones to quiet completative ones. Boy can he play guitar. The happy, bouncy energy that you get after a good gig lasted me and boyf all the way home on the district line...




Then for something a little different: Les Ballets Trockadero de Monte Carlo at the Peacock Theatre yesterday with Hels and Richie (both of whom were in very silly moods, me? I'm never silly!). Fantastic show, men in frock exploring the comedy in trad, modern ballet. What makes it so great is that they can actually dance (and en pointe which is amazing to behold). I don't think that I've laughed as much before at Swan Lake Act 2 and the dying swan (white feathers everywhere!). They are performing the UK again in September and you must buy tickets.

This weekend I'm going to Oxford for Julie's b/day celebrations. There will be 11 plus guests all squeezed together - it's a bloody good job we all know each other!

I don't often remember my dreams, possibly due to the weird religious/horror dreams I had when I was younger. Recently, some have been sticking in my mind including one where I'm with Jess and we are going to see Richie in his attic room. We're blocked on top of the stairs by a small toy-sized tank that starts barking at us that we can't pass, we step around it and it starts to fire bullets at us...they feel like sharp stones on my legs as I pass. We fall into Richie's room and he's packing all his stuff to move away, he says that he's got everything except his boat. We look into the middle of the room and there's a pond. He dives in and swims out to the boat in the middle of the pond. He gets smaller and smaller and then starts to drag the boat back in to shore. As it comes to the edge, we realise that it's actually the size of a real boat and Richie is dragging it towards us. We start screaming and all goes black.

There was also the one where it turned out that my dad had fathered another child that he didn't know about and his mum was saying that we (my brother and I) couldn't ever see our little brother. I woke up so bloody angry at the mum (even though in actual fact she's a family friend and their is no way that her son is my dads!)

Shall I, as my boyf suggests, contact the priory now?

This weekend I have mainly done:

• A gym/swim visit that lastest 2hrs
• Ran away from a child in the pool who was spraying Hels and I with water
• Done 20 sit ups in a row (whoo-hoo *rambo music plays*)
• Failed to do any push ups (even in the girl stylie)
• Had a lovely grown up lunch with boyf and Helski
• Fucked about for a whole day with friends
• Showed a dead rat to teenage girls in the street
• Carla, Hels, Leo and I buried said rat in Tower Hamlets cemetery Park (not a pet rat you understand, a real life dirty bin rat...it had made it's home in the ladies house only to die the other night, Hels insisted that we give it a proper send off)
• Got locked in Tower Hamlets cemetery Park
• Had a massive Chinese/Thai dinner at the ladies
• Tidied up the flat with boyf on Sunday
• Tried to go out on Sunday to a club - didn't make it
• Baked a loaf of bread, ate loaf of bread

Woke up this morning quite happy and determined to get on with things. This week is busy at work and play...Seth Lakeman, Graham Coxon and Les Ballets Trockadero. Followed by a weekend in Oxford for lovely Julie's birthday. Hurrah!

Seven Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. Lose weight and get fit (the eternal goal)
2. To become less angry at the world (my inner gothy existentialist is alive and well and kicking bloody hard)
3. See the world (but only with the proviso of staying in 5* hotels with no backpackers of any sort anywhere in sight, daaaallinnn’)
4. Make my own jam and chutney (in a huge farmhouse kitchen with all my beautiful, chubby, grubby, little children hanging on my apron strings while my artist husband worships me slavishly – hurrah!)
5. See the Aurora Borealis with my family at my side while scattering some of my dad’s ashes because he never bloody got to see them before he died.
6. Write a play, direct a play and produce a play and see them all performed (to critical acclaim, of course!)
7. Take over the world….mmmmwwwhhhhaaaahhhhaaaa *strokes pussy* [insert you own jokes here]

Seven Things I Cannot Do:
1. Saying “no thank you, I’d like a diet coke” to offers of alcohol
2. Juggle (for this I am most happy)
3. Speak any foreign language (despite trying too, these things generally don’t stick in my head…apart from being able to ask for 2 cheese sandwiches in Dutch – I learnt that one when my brother and I ran like feral wolf children in Amsterdam one summer when we were 11 and 9 but that’s another story involving dope plant jungles, dirty old Arab men, our first glimpse of porno, canal boat robbing smack heads and a certain Mr Heiner Muller!)
4. Walk past a comic book shop without just ‘popping in’ and buying something
5. Be in the same room as a moth for any period of time (the horror, those dusty, flappy wings, I’m retching just thinking about them)
6. Avoid collecting anything shiny and/or glittery (magpie genes methinks). I have boxes full of ribbons, buttons, glitter and stars
7. Trust a Tory. I think that I actually have a physical repulsion to them. From Maggie stealing my milk (Maggie Thatcher, Milk Snatcher!) when I was just about to graduate to being head milk girl and my dad punching the TV when Maggie got voted in the early 80’s I have been moulded into a Tory hater. I get so upset when I find out that people have voted Tory that I have actually had to disown some acquaintances (I wouldn’t call them friends under any circumstances). Mind you don’t get me started on New Labour

Seven Things I Can Do:
1. Click my jaw and my fingers
2. Count to 31 on my hand when the thumb = 1, first finger = 2, middle finger = 4, ring finger = 8 and the little finger = 16. This is something my dad taught me and my brother to do one very boring day and it’s become a habit that I can’t stop doing when bored!
3. Knit badly
4. Sew reasonably well
5. Remember stupid pop facts that I read in Smash Hits when I was a little person.
6. Remember stupid indie facts that I read in NME or Melody Maker when I was a little older person
7. use random lines from Lee and Herring, Vic and Bob, Eddie Izzard, Bill Hicks or The Mighty Boosh routines to sum up any situation that I may find myself in (also well used to distract people from your naughty behaviour:

Boy/f *angry voice*: “why did you just do that?”

Boo *moon voice from Boosh*: “’cos I’m the moooon”

Boy/f *moon voice from Boosh*: “the full moon?”

Etc…

I allow you to admire my cunningness…)

Seven Things That Attract Me To….. Blogging:
1. I’ve always kept a diary and I’ve moved into the modern age, dudes
2. Visualised ranting (with pictures!)
3. I like the idea of clicking back and seeing how I was previously without raking through old storage boxes to find my diary from that period
4. I wanted to write a novel by the time I was 21 but I didn’t achieve that aim, so all of you must suffer my inane rants instead
5. eerrrh
6. errhh, ok, ok
7. My huge, glittery, rock star-like ego told me to do it.

Seven Things I Say Most Often:
1. ”Fuck off”
2. ”Fuck you”
3. ”No fucking way!”
4. ”You little shit”
5. ”To be fair…”
6. “Hello, [insert company name], how can I help you?”
7. ”No problem” (esp. when it clearly is a problem!)

Seven Books That I Love:
1. Lunar Park by Bret Easton Ellis
2. The Secret History by Donna Tartt
3. Anything by Philip Ridley - His kids books are fantastic, he truly is a Roald Dahl for the misunderstood generation. His grown up stuff is fantastic too (dirty reality mixed with beautiful, magical, fairy tales)
4. The Perfect Fool by Stewart Lee – a wonderful novel, laugh out loud funny and sob out loud sad.
5. Fuse: The Selected Work of Patrick Jones – despair, decay, the horrors of modern living and badly rhyming poetry – honestly, what more do you need from a book?
6. Self help – anything to try and make me into a better person because I know that I’m evil incarnate. I need these books to tell me that I eat too much, that I eat the ‘wrong’ foods, that I get too stressed, that I’m not creative enough, that my emotions are blocked, that the bullying I suffered as a child means that I can’t connect to people…Gillian McKeith, Julia Cameron et al you make my life not worth living.
7. Cook books with nice pictures, no Delia/Jamie/Nigella/etc I’m never going to get around to making that food but damned if you’re going to stop me buying your books and using them as torture implements/pornography (delete appropriate, according to mood and current diet limitations)

Seven Movies That I Watch Over and Over Again:
1. Rumblefish - slow moving, black and white except for the odd important colouring, beautiful, beautiful, please watch this film
2. Hairspray - Fat girl wins comp and fights racism alongside all the panache and joy of a John Walters film. Fantastic!
3. The Passion of Darkly Noon - Brendan Frazer all messed up, how yummy. Think of a really hot St Sebastian and you’re not even close!
4. Anything with Christopher Walken in - I mean anything – I’ve even watched the numerous rubbish films
5. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas - reminds me of many a night out
6. Cry Baby - beautiful 1950’s Johnny Depp with a tattooed tear, quiff and leather jacket…what can I say, we all have our weaknesses
7. Anything by Hayao Miyazaki - wonderful, bewitching coming of age stories to be enjoyed by kids and adults alike…

Seven People I’ll Try Passing This On To:
I doubt that 7 people read my blog!

During a bit of an ego moment I did a search on my name and look what I found!

National Kilburn Ballroom, London, Friday 11th Dec 1992
From: Teenage Suicide fanzine by Boudicca Lee Maloney

The first thing that hit me on the way to the concert was how friendly most Manic Street Preacher fans are. Not having ever been to the National Ballroom before, my friend and I were completely lost so we asked a lad for directions. He began to jump up and down and said "Oh great, you like the Manics. I'm going I'll take you there. Which one do you fancy?? etc".

We got there just as the Disco Assassins got on stage. No-one was very impressed with them. Next up were The Mouth. They were a lot better than the DA's both musically and performance wise.

When the Manics eventually came onstage the whole place went completely mad (thankfully, I didn't go down the front this time. I was determined to see them, not the back of some sweaty tall lad)

The whole show was amazing. The hilight being Nicky's rendition of 'I wanna be loved by you'. I suppose I'd better mention Nicky's controversial comment about Michael Stipe. Well it did piss me off even though I agree with the reasoning behind it because AIDS shouldn't be used as a way of getting publicity (even when it is bad) I know people who have lost lovers and friends through AIDS and others who just sit there watching loved ones die 'cos they can't do anything to save them. However, I'm sure Stipe isn't that upset about it and who else does it really affect, apart from the music press that is. No one. No one cares what other people say anymore. There's no real enjoyment from speech. Songs, however are different, they're so much more eloquent than the spoken word. I think that's enough of being serious, I'll get straight back to the review.

All of the band looked wonderful (not that you could see Sean, he was that far back) Richey was very glamorous in silver trousers and a netted top. James was in the usual white jeans and tee-shirt. Nicky had his pink shirt on with pictures of Marilyn plastered onto it and his black plastic trousers on.

The end song, Motown Junk was wonderful with Richey, James and Nicky really throwing themselves around. It was definitely the best I've seen them at for a while and I can't wait for the next tour - if they haven't split up by then, ha! ha!

Boudicca's editorial: Hello! Being only 15 years old I'm expected to be either into Take That or crap indie bands, but I hate them all and love the Manic Street Preachers. Not are they the only band that has really said anything to me in my lifetime, but they're the only intelligent band around. It was such a relief when I found that other people under 40 read the Beat Generation, William S Burroughs and other great writers and poets alike. So, in an effort to reach people I took this opportunity to produce a Manics fanzine as part of my GCSE in Media Studies. Special thanks to Fiona who helped me a lot.

My Goth past is a postive thing, hurrah!

I haven't been on the Manics Website for ages but after the weekend memories and Xfm Manchester interview, I had a quick look and found this on the top of the news section...I'm over excited!

"If September is your favourite month
If you love the sound of a typewriter
If you waste hours in stationary shops
If you watch BBC4
If you avoid crowds
If you adore the smell of fire
Then come join Nicky Wire's secret society"

Yes to all but BBC4 although I often wish I did have it...but we haven't even got the land line or internet sorted at the new home yet let alone sorting anything else out...

I had a lovely weekend in Hastings...we arrived around 9.30pm on Friday night and got driven up the hill to receive lovely, warming stew and dumplings served with red wine and hilarity. Admire mother's new nesting instinct - the study is cleared, painted beautifully and the biggest welsh dresser you have ever seen adorns one wall. The clutter of amusing, mis-matched crockery all over it. Dinner was followed by the new game in the Maloney household 'Therapy'. I've never played a game like it, no-one has learnt the rules yet so every move is followed by "is that group therapy or are you on my couch?". You have to pass the stages of life (Infancy, Childhood, adolescence, etc) by asking a variety of questions about yourself, the others around the board (some of which can cause offensive - who around this board was the ugliest baby?) and dubious questions about dubious studies from the 1900's! Lots of fun indeedy.

Saturday was spent pottering in the old town and new buying new things. We then met up with Mum and Lodger and went to all you can eat Chinese and stuffed ourselves silly. Lazy afternoon with Inspector Morse (weird teens taking drugs and rave episode - WTF!?) followed by lazy drooling over Cillian Murphy in 28 Days Later (much to the disgust of boyf who think he looks like a starving child...with girls eyes).

Lazy Sunday breakfast was followed by a drive to a new walking place, during the drive we found a tape that I had made for my dad with brit pop on one side and Manic Street Preachers b-sides and rarites on the other - the tape was covered in quotes from the songs and listening to it made me very happy indeed.

We stopped at Seven Sisters and Cuckmere Haven for a long stroll to the sea and back:


The stroll was followed by a well earned cream tea (3 scones and clotted cream!) in the cafe near the visitors centre. We took a different way back and drove past the Long Man of Wilmington:

We spent the drive back to Hastings discussing the different theories about the origins on the man...are the poles gates or dowsing sticks?

Return to London wasn't too bad and after the walk during the day I managed to get a good night sleep and was feeling pretty good when I woke up this morning. Positive vibes are all around...it's a good time to get myself sorted and back in the right direction. Emails will be sent, difficult people replied to, phone calls made and the gym beckons (there's the extra winter store of fat to be removed!)

The Lunch Club - Baron's Court Theatre

If you get the chance to go and see this play. Do. I went last night and it's really enjoyable (even though we did get lost in west London to get there!). It's laugh out loud, dark humour mixed with 'issues' arising from a racist attack. It discusses attitudes and prejudices but in an interesting, personal, non-preachy way. A really enjoyable evening.

It's also my friend Justin's first professional show as director, so go support him!

Clubbing on Friday night was lots of fun - I didn't leave the house until Sunday afternoon due to extreme hangover!

Main memories of the night:

• Sailor Jerry's rum
• Frank Sinatra glass collector looking down my corset at any time he could...
• Boy/f's wonderful knife thrower outfit
• Matthew's very dapper, shiny shirt
  
• Gary on nipple check with Damaris!
• Too drunk new friends that had to be escorted home before midnight
• Hels, Jess and I biting each others boobs (affectionately!)
• Flowers from Chris K and Matthew being left in the cloakroom and they were still perfect at the end of the night
• Missing bus stops due to fights with locals
• Oh my god, the hangover....

YAY, it's my birthday today (and I'm not finding it quite as hard as I though it might be). I've been convinced to invite friends around for birthday tea this evening and go clubbing on Friday; both should be fun. I've received a lovely silver charm braclet with a theatre mask charm from my mum:
I have to go and pick up my pressie from baby bro at one of my fave shops Bnevertoobusytobebeautiful. They are the grown up version of Lush and I often spend too much money on bits and bobs from there.

Not sure what I've got from the boy/f as we went shopping at the weekend and couldn't find anything suitably exciting (we did everywhere on Oxford St and in Camden).

Birthday tea should be fun - fairy cakes and real coffee make me very happy indeedy.

Gosh, I am a miserable bugger aren't I? Things, as they say, can only get better. I've stopped on the valium; I have resort to Nytol every now and then but sleep is getting easier (although my bedroom stinks of lavender and various nice smelly things!). The heartache of loosing my father is still with me everyday. It's difficult to listen to some music because I know that he'd love it (or hate it!). Feelings come over me in waves during the day, sat on tube, walking down the street, working on a boring work document...it's getting better though. These thought are not always negative anymore and even sometimes make me very happy and laugh out loud at the fantastic man that was my dad!

I managed to get a few days off work and spent some 'quality' time with my young man in Brighton. I also made moves to try and resolve some issues at work - sometimes speaking up and saying 'no' is a positive thing!

I'm still a bit delicate in social situations but have managed to have some fun - thank to the Fairy Uncle for the Liberace Suits; they went down a treat at my favourite new club. We're planning to go to celebrate my birthday in March too (circus this time - might go for the old favourite of 'show girls' and get the corset out).

I had lunch today with Jess which was great (esp after 3 hr workshop on VAT!). I got to see the engagement ring, very flash young lady. Now, I've just got to sort out the airfare to Las Vegas in September to go to the wedding - onward Valhallens!

Apart from that in September, I have very little planned over the summer. Work, I feel, will take over slightly for summer 2006...it's exciting but scary learning all these new things to do with event and production management and general office stuff!

Still not sleeping very well. I have some valium but don't really want to take it too often. I can't really cope though, my skin is itchy, my head in banging, my throat is sore, my temper is on the shortest fuse and I cry at the smallest thing, things that I could usually cope with without any problem. People keep telling me that I'm coping well with my grief but I don't feel like I am. I'm trying to keep afloat and do things that amuse me but it's quite difficult. There's things that I'd like to do this weekend but I'm so tired that I think that I'll just end up going home and trying to sleep and gather my strength for the endless and undoubtedly heavy-going work meetings next week.

I went to go to the gym last night. Realised that I didn't have my trousers and I'm no longer at school so I don't have to work out in my pants anymore! Instead Helen and I went for a swim but got distracted by the new stadium at Mile End (opening on the 13th Feb) and I ended buying a membership on the spot because the pool was so big and beautiful! Hopefully Helen and I will force each other into visiting enough to justify the membership (and go to the Turkish more often!)

Congratulations to Lucy, Kev and Grace. A new edition to the family - Billy!

Centre Parcs highlight (and lowlights):

• not being able to find the meet up car park in Richmond for over half an hour
• Babs Streisland in the car
• getting car sick
• flirting with Euro millions boys in the petrol station
• eating too many jelly sweets
• flumes and jungle river madness
• new pj's covered in glittery fairies
• rising early to watch the sun come up over the trees and spotting more nature in 3 hours than I have in 8 years in London
• nature trail walks
• crying because I'm jealous of all the happy families (with dads!)
• watching glitter from my pj's appear all over the villa
• 100 best videos on some random tv channel - Hels and I rocking out to Guns 'n' Roses and other out rock classics
• teaching barmen to make white russians (yummy!)
• a horrible chinese dinner but with a great gang of people (6 'welsh chavs' and 6 'middle class wankers'!)
• helium balloons
• Pancake House huge pancakes covered in ice cream and apples
• Aqua Sana Spa - wonderful experience - I chilled out in the meditation room, swam in the lovely outdoor pool, steamed in two different steam rooms, zen'd out in the zen garden, sweated in the sauna and refreshed by shivering in the ice fountain. Each room had it's own theme and it were decorated really well. The Indian Blossom steam room was my favourite I think
• goodbye dinner with the 'welsh chavs'

Brilliant time all in all, I whole heartedly recommend Centre Parcs for cheap fun holidays!

I'm going to Centre Parcs this weekend with Lornie, Hels, Jess, Richie and Chris K. We booked it ages ago because we're all usually miserable in January and now I'm really looking forward to it. You do have to pay extra for just about everything but I might treat myself to a few hours in the sauna and then a treatment (or two). It will also be a chance to say goodbye to Lorna as she's moving back home to Bournemouth next Tuesday. I've no doubt that we'll keep in touch and do lots of visits but it won't be the same as popping around after work to have a cup of tea with her!

It's a very changable time. I moved out of the 'rat house' in November, Lornie's moving out next week, Carla will move to Manchester in June/July and then Hels and Jess are going to terrorise the world after the summer (or the 'eat your heart out Thelma and Louise' epic). It's all bloody change everywhere. In some ways I feel like I'm going to be stuck in London forever, I have no idea about what I'm going to do next. Boyf and I are often bored of London but I really do like our little home. God knows what will happen. Also, with all 4 best friends leaving London this year I really should think about finding some new people to amuse me of an evening!

Is buying 10 books from a charity shop out of control behaviour?

I suddenly developed a frantic need for words. I'm clamboring for poems and stories and ideas. There's a lovely charity shop around the corner from my work and there's someone wonderful that hands in interesting books all the time. This week I've discovered Michèle Roberts' short stories about appitite and desire ("when asked the perennial question 'what do you write about?' Michèle Roberts, by her own account, likes to say 'food, sex and God'"), Carlo Gebler' Caught on a Train - 3 magical stories told to Irish youth and finally Michael Coleman's Tag. The last two are 'young adults' books but they are both written really well and both have wonderful, moving moments.

Last Saturday I enjoyed the latest Peter Ackroyd programme ‘The Romantics’ on BBC. Some parts were really crass - how many times do I need to see fake blood dropping onto cobbles to get that death was a big part of the French Revolution? For gods sake it literally rained blood during some footage. David Tennant as Rousseau and David Threlfall as Wordsworth were stand outs. Samuel Taylor Coleridge 'The Ancient Mariner' always brings a lump to my throat. My dad tried to learn it off by heart once...so, I know the first part particularly well!

Alone, alone,—all, all alone;
Alone on a wide, wide sea.
The Ancient Mariner. Part iv.

On a completely different note, I went to my doctor about my depression and she gave me Seroxatine. However, after 3 days of taking it I had a massive reaction against it. I was a work and found that I was unbearably happy - I was grinning at my monitor and laughing to myself. I decided to go for lunchtime swim to calm down but by the time I'd got back I felt like I was coming up on the best pill I've ever had. I was clammy handed, nervous, excited and becoming manic. I left work and went to see Lornie for a cup of tea. I spent around 2 hours picking things up, smiling at them and being generally weird! I went home, the boyf came in and demanded that I call NHS direct immediatly. Those of you who know me personally will know that I'm not a 'happy' person persay, I have dark moods that last for ages. I'm one of those people that look glum even if I'm perfectly happy inside! NHS direct nurse was lovely and managed to talk sense to me although I was rabbiting on...the emergency doctor called me back and told me to stop taking the tablets and to come down to the local Walk In Centre. He took one look at me and gave me lots of diazepam. He told me to take 4 (!) and then take 2 more (!) before bed. However, we couldn't find an open chemist and so the boyf had to put up with me manically climbing in and out of bed around 20 x that night. The next day I spent vomiting and suffering from what felt like the worst come-down ever. On the good side, I've been taking the diazepam and am now sleeping which has improved my mood and my brain functions (I have been being a little odd recently - loosing things, forgetting things, missing meetings, putting things in stupid places). At least I'm just back to the normal level of scattiness now...

These are for my dad. It's a picture of his first orchids that he grew from bulb which he sent to me for my birthday a couple of years ago. The grief is sometimes overwhelming but I'm getting there. This has made me realise how important my boy/f and friends are to me. They've all been great through this putting up with my panic attacks, changeable moods, demands for indulgence and general rattiness. A big thank you to you all xxx.

Lunchtime distractions from the general realms of despair that are surrounding me include typing random words into search engines and linking to the websites they suggest.

Today I put in Goths and Vampires and this appeared:

"All people suspected of being goths should have their bloodcounts regularly measured. If there is a shortfall, clearly they must be participating in Vampiric and Goth-like behaviour, in which case they can be sent to a place of Christian re-education"

I love this rant so much, a great joke and look at all the outraged goths replying below. Bless 'em.

I'm barely able to function. Everything is taking twice as long as it should. I feel as though I'm walking in syrup. My throat keeps contracting so I can't breathe. I'm scared. I sob on public transport. I can't sleep. When I do finally get to sleep, I can't wake up. I'm angry. I feel like screaming. I laugh. I'm manic. I stamp my foot and shout "it's not fucking fair".

Apparently these are all natural reactions to death.

I just miss my dad so fucking much.

Paul Lee Foxall

29/05/1948 - 05/12/05

"As they pulled you out of the oxygen tent you asked for the latest party"
David Bowie, Diamond Dogs