I haven't been on the Manics Website for ages but after the weekend memories and Xfm Manchester interview, I had a quick look and found this on the top of the news section...I'm over excited!

"If September is your favourite month
If you love the sound of a typewriter
If you waste hours in stationary shops
If you watch BBC4
If you avoid crowds
If you adore the smell of fire
Then come join Nicky Wire's secret society"

Yes to all but BBC4 although I often wish I did have it...but we haven't even got the land line or internet sorted at the new home yet let alone sorting anything else out...

I had a lovely weekend in Hastings...we arrived around 9.30pm on Friday night and got driven up the hill to receive lovely, warming stew and dumplings served with red wine and hilarity. Admire mother's new nesting instinct - the study is cleared, painted beautifully and the biggest welsh dresser you have ever seen adorns one wall. The clutter of amusing, mis-matched crockery all over it. Dinner was followed by the new game in the Maloney household 'Therapy'. I've never played a game like it, no-one has learnt the rules yet so every move is followed by "is that group therapy or are you on my couch?". You have to pass the stages of life (Infancy, Childhood, adolescence, etc) by asking a variety of questions about yourself, the others around the board (some of which can cause offensive - who around this board was the ugliest baby?) and dubious questions about dubious studies from the 1900's! Lots of fun indeedy.

Saturday was spent pottering in the old town and new buying new things. We then met up with Mum and Lodger and went to all you can eat Chinese and stuffed ourselves silly. Lazy afternoon with Inspector Morse (weird teens taking drugs and rave episode - WTF!?) followed by lazy drooling over Cillian Murphy in 28 Days Later (much to the disgust of boyf who think he looks like a starving child...with girls eyes).

Lazy Sunday breakfast was followed by a drive to a new walking place, during the drive we found a tape that I had made for my dad with brit pop on one side and Manic Street Preachers b-sides and rarites on the other - the tape was covered in quotes from the songs and listening to it made me very happy indeed.

We stopped at Seven Sisters and Cuckmere Haven for a long stroll to the sea and back:


The stroll was followed by a well earned cream tea (3 scones and clotted cream!) in the cafe near the visitors centre. We took a different way back and drove past the Long Man of Wilmington:

We spent the drive back to Hastings discussing the different theories about the origins on the man...are the poles gates or dowsing sticks?

Return to London wasn't too bad and after the walk during the day I managed to get a good night sleep and was feeling pretty good when I woke up this morning. Positive vibes are all around...it's a good time to get myself sorted and back in the right direction. Emails will be sent, difficult people replied to, phone calls made and the gym beckons (there's the extra winter store of fat to be removed!)

The Lunch Club - Baron's Court Theatre

If you get the chance to go and see this play. Do. I went last night and it's really enjoyable (even though we did get lost in west London to get there!). It's laugh out loud, dark humour mixed with 'issues' arising from a racist attack. It discusses attitudes and prejudices but in an interesting, personal, non-preachy way. A really enjoyable evening.

It's also my friend Justin's first professional show as director, so go support him!

Clubbing on Friday night was lots of fun - I didn't leave the house until Sunday afternoon due to extreme hangover!

Main memories of the night:

• Sailor Jerry's rum
• Frank Sinatra glass collector looking down my corset at any time he could...
• Boy/f's wonderful knife thrower outfit
• Matthew's very dapper, shiny shirt
  
• Gary on nipple check with Damaris!
• Too drunk new friends that had to be escorted home before midnight
• Hels, Jess and I biting each others boobs (affectionately!)
• Flowers from Chris K and Matthew being left in the cloakroom and they were still perfect at the end of the night
• Missing bus stops due to fights with locals
• Oh my god, the hangover....

YAY, it's my birthday today (and I'm not finding it quite as hard as I though it might be). I've been convinced to invite friends around for birthday tea this evening and go clubbing on Friday; both should be fun. I've received a lovely silver charm braclet with a theatre mask charm from my mum:
I have to go and pick up my pressie from baby bro at one of my fave shops Bnevertoobusytobebeautiful. They are the grown up version of Lush and I often spend too much money on bits and bobs from there.

Not sure what I've got from the boy/f as we went shopping at the weekend and couldn't find anything suitably exciting (we did everywhere on Oxford St and in Camden).

Birthday tea should be fun - fairy cakes and real coffee make me very happy indeedy.

Gosh, I am a miserable bugger aren't I? Things, as they say, can only get better. I've stopped on the valium; I have resort to Nytol every now and then but sleep is getting easier (although my bedroom stinks of lavender and various nice smelly things!). The heartache of loosing my father is still with me everyday. It's difficult to listen to some music because I know that he'd love it (or hate it!). Feelings come over me in waves during the day, sat on tube, walking down the street, working on a boring work document...it's getting better though. These thought are not always negative anymore and even sometimes make me very happy and laugh out loud at the fantastic man that was my dad!

I managed to get a few days off work and spent some 'quality' time with my young man in Brighton. I also made moves to try and resolve some issues at work - sometimes speaking up and saying 'no' is a positive thing!

I'm still a bit delicate in social situations but have managed to have some fun - thank to the Fairy Uncle for the Liberace Suits; they went down a treat at my favourite new club. We're planning to go to celebrate my birthday in March too (circus this time - might go for the old favourite of 'show girls' and get the corset out).

I had lunch today with Jess which was great (esp after 3 hr workshop on VAT!). I got to see the engagement ring, very flash young lady. Now, I've just got to sort out the airfare to Las Vegas in September to go to the wedding - onward Valhallens!

Apart from that in September, I have very little planned over the summer. Work, I feel, will take over slightly for summer 2006...it's exciting but scary learning all these new things to do with event and production management and general office stuff!

Still not sleeping very well. I have some valium but don't really want to take it too often. I can't really cope though, my skin is itchy, my head in banging, my throat is sore, my temper is on the shortest fuse and I cry at the smallest thing, things that I could usually cope with without any problem. People keep telling me that I'm coping well with my grief but I don't feel like I am. I'm trying to keep afloat and do things that amuse me but it's quite difficult. There's things that I'd like to do this weekend but I'm so tired that I think that I'll just end up going home and trying to sleep and gather my strength for the endless and undoubtedly heavy-going work meetings next week.

I went to go to the gym last night. Realised that I didn't have my trousers and I'm no longer at school so I don't have to work out in my pants anymore! Instead Helen and I went for a swim but got distracted by the new stadium at Mile End (opening on the 13th Feb) and I ended buying a membership on the spot because the pool was so big and beautiful! Hopefully Helen and I will force each other into visiting enough to justify the membership (and go to the Turkish more often!)

Congratulations to Lucy, Kev and Grace. A new edition to the family - Billy!

Centre Parcs highlight (and lowlights):

• not being able to find the meet up car park in Richmond for over half an hour
• Babs Streisland in the car
• getting car sick
• flirting with Euro millions boys in the petrol station
• eating too many jelly sweets
• flumes and jungle river madness
• new pj's covered in glittery fairies
• rising early to watch the sun come up over the trees and spotting more nature in 3 hours than I have in 8 years in London
• nature trail walks
• crying because I'm jealous of all the happy families (with dads!)
• watching glitter from my pj's appear all over the villa
• 100 best videos on some random tv channel - Hels and I rocking out to Guns 'n' Roses and other out rock classics
• teaching barmen to make white russians (yummy!)
• a horrible chinese dinner but with a great gang of people (6 'welsh chavs' and 6 'middle class wankers'!)
• helium balloons
• Pancake House huge pancakes covered in ice cream and apples
• Aqua Sana Spa - wonderful experience - I chilled out in the meditation room, swam in the lovely outdoor pool, steamed in two different steam rooms, zen'd out in the zen garden, sweated in the sauna and refreshed by shivering in the ice fountain. Each room had it's own theme and it were decorated really well. The Indian Blossom steam room was my favourite I think
• goodbye dinner with the 'welsh chavs'

Brilliant time all in all, I whole heartedly recommend Centre Parcs for cheap fun holidays!

I'm going to Centre Parcs this weekend with Lornie, Hels, Jess, Richie and Chris K. We booked it ages ago because we're all usually miserable in January and now I'm really looking forward to it. You do have to pay extra for just about everything but I might treat myself to a few hours in the sauna and then a treatment (or two). It will also be a chance to say goodbye to Lorna as she's moving back home to Bournemouth next Tuesday. I've no doubt that we'll keep in touch and do lots of visits but it won't be the same as popping around after work to have a cup of tea with her!

It's a very changable time. I moved out of the 'rat house' in November, Lornie's moving out next week, Carla will move to Manchester in June/July and then Hels and Jess are going to terrorise the world after the summer (or the 'eat your heart out Thelma and Louise' epic). It's all bloody change everywhere. In some ways I feel like I'm going to be stuck in London forever, I have no idea about what I'm going to do next. Boyf and I are often bored of London but I really do like our little home. God knows what will happen. Also, with all 4 best friends leaving London this year I really should think about finding some new people to amuse me of an evening!

Is buying 10 books from a charity shop out of control behaviour?

I suddenly developed a frantic need for words. I'm clamboring for poems and stories and ideas. There's a lovely charity shop around the corner from my work and there's someone wonderful that hands in interesting books all the time. This week I've discovered Michèle Roberts' short stories about appitite and desire ("when asked the perennial question 'what do you write about?' Michèle Roberts, by her own account, likes to say 'food, sex and God'"), Carlo Gebler' Caught on a Train - 3 magical stories told to Irish youth and finally Michael Coleman's Tag. The last two are 'young adults' books but they are both written really well and both have wonderful, moving moments.

Last Saturday I enjoyed the latest Peter Ackroyd programme ‘The Romantics’ on BBC. Some parts were really crass - how many times do I need to see fake blood dropping onto cobbles to get that death was a big part of the French Revolution? For gods sake it literally rained blood during some footage. David Tennant as Rousseau and David Threlfall as Wordsworth were stand outs. Samuel Taylor Coleridge 'The Ancient Mariner' always brings a lump to my throat. My dad tried to learn it off by heart once...so, I know the first part particularly well!

Alone, alone,—all, all alone;
Alone on a wide, wide sea.
The Ancient Mariner. Part iv.

On a completely different note, I went to my doctor about my depression and she gave me Seroxatine. However, after 3 days of taking it I had a massive reaction against it. I was a work and found that I was unbearably happy - I was grinning at my monitor and laughing to myself. I decided to go for lunchtime swim to calm down but by the time I'd got back I felt like I was coming up on the best pill I've ever had. I was clammy handed, nervous, excited and becoming manic. I left work and went to see Lornie for a cup of tea. I spent around 2 hours picking things up, smiling at them and being generally weird! I went home, the boyf came in and demanded that I call NHS direct immediatly. Those of you who know me personally will know that I'm not a 'happy' person persay, I have dark moods that last for ages. I'm one of those people that look glum even if I'm perfectly happy inside! NHS direct nurse was lovely and managed to talk sense to me although I was rabbiting on...the emergency doctor called me back and told me to stop taking the tablets and to come down to the local Walk In Centre. He took one look at me and gave me lots of diazepam. He told me to take 4 (!) and then take 2 more (!) before bed. However, we couldn't find an open chemist and so the boyf had to put up with me manically climbing in and out of bed around 20 x that night. The next day I spent vomiting and suffering from what felt like the worst come-down ever. On the good side, I've been taking the diazepam and am now sleeping which has improved my mood and my brain functions (I have been being a little odd recently - loosing things, forgetting things, missing meetings, putting things in stupid places). At least I'm just back to the normal level of scattiness now...

These are for my dad. It's a picture of his first orchids that he grew from bulb which he sent to me for my birthday a couple of years ago. The grief is sometimes overwhelming but I'm getting there. This has made me realise how important my boy/f and friends are to me. They've all been great through this putting up with my panic attacks, changeable moods, demands for indulgence and general rattiness. A big thank you to you all xxx.

Lunchtime distractions from the general realms of despair that are surrounding me include typing random words into search engines and linking to the websites they suggest.

Today I put in Goths and Vampires and this appeared:

"All people suspected of being goths should have their bloodcounts regularly measured. If there is a shortfall, clearly they must be participating in Vampiric and Goth-like behaviour, in which case they can be sent to a place of Christian re-education"

I love this rant so much, a great joke and look at all the outraged goths replying below. Bless 'em.

I'm barely able to function. Everything is taking twice as long as it should. I feel as though I'm walking in syrup. My throat keeps contracting so I can't breathe. I'm scared. I sob on public transport. I can't sleep. When I do finally get to sleep, I can't wake up. I'm angry. I feel like screaming. I laugh. I'm manic. I stamp my foot and shout "it's not fucking fair".

Apparently these are all natural reactions to death.

I just miss my dad so fucking much.

Paul Lee Foxall

29/05/1948 - 05/12/05

"As they pulled you out of the oxygen tent you asked for the latest party"
David Bowie, Diamond Dogs

Oh. My. God. I've actually done it. I've moved in with the boyf. We were helped by among others, Helski and House which was quite amusing due to the sexual tension between them. It's not often that your moving helpers are taking their tops off, doing handstands and flirting outrageously!

The last two days has been spent:

1. spending almost all the monetary gift that my mother gave us to help us move in tesco's.
2. amazing at the amount of crap that the boyf and I have collected over the years. Key things said include "I've had this for over 25 years, it's not going under the bed!", "why, why, why do I need 5 types of body moisturiser" and with a sweeping hand "but all this shit is yours".
3. Hearing the boyf yell around 100 times "how gay am I?" as he produces more bathroom goodies or clothes from boxes/bags and picks up tablecloths and kitchen goodies from the shelves at tesco.
4. missing the house rats like crazy.
5. marvelling at how quiet it is without the rats.
6. Going to Lucy, Kev and Grace's for pre- and post-firework dinner and drinks in their wonderful new flat.
7. Watching and laughing at beautiful little Grace sleeping through all the fireworks.
8. missing my rats....whaahhh!

Geek Love

Google has saved my life so many times...surely there can't be something better?

SEARCH ENGINE OF THE MONTH
London-based Previewseek is a new search engine that hides nothing under a
bushel. It claims to be better than Google. First, say its founders, it's a
lot smarter. Type in "Java", for example, and if you are interested in the
island of Java, Google will make you click through 70 pages before showing
you anything relevant. Previewseek, on the other hand, will acknowledge that
the word has several meanings and provide definitions for each of them up
front. Did you mean Java the island, Java the coffee, Java the programming
language, or something else? Regardless of what you are looking for,
Previewseek also organises results based on related concepts to help you
further refine searches without the need to understand Boolean query syntax.
That said, Previewseek is a metasearcher at heart. It may have its own
patented set of exceedingly clever algorithms, but it applies them to
results gathered from other search engines, rather than spidering the Web
itself.
http://beta.previewseek.com

(cut and pasted from the Zen Internet monthly newsletter, Issue 57, November 1st 2005)

Everyone should sign up to the Pick Me Up weekly newsletter. It's a newsletter where people share ideas, events, advice which will make you very happy. The most fun things so far are what happens when:

you dress up as air hostesses and give out tea on the Tube

you send a love letter to someone you barely know

you turn off your mobile for a day

you put on your own festival

Love, love, love it.

Highlights - randoming bumping into friends that you haven't seen for ages in the street and the gym. Only Darian would be having 5mins on a sunbed before work!

Another low light: finding out your father has Liver Cancer

There are options all of which are pretty fucking horrible:

• a liver transplant
• chemotherapy
• radiotherapy

Blurgh, all in all a pretty shit afternoon.

Lowlights = temper tantrums, endless rain, grey clouds, the damn cold, the inability to rise in the mornings, a boss with a short fuse, accounts, house hunting, lack of money to move house, grandparents, cirrhosis of the liver, black hair dye that just turns your roots a dark brown, not being able to hold my drink anymore, vomiting copiously, feeling odd because I have no real desire to travel the world (the wildest trips I'm planning next year are Sherwood Forest and Newcastle Upon Tyne)

Highlights = Egyptian perfume, porridge readymade by boyfriends, decaff coffee, bbc radio player (8hrs of comedy a day - although methinks the boyf is boring of Lee and Herring jokes now), thinking about how our new home is going to look (nesting instinct!), TGI Fridays 2 '4' 1's, having tickets for 5 differents shows in November, Helski determed to go swimming and go to the gym (the envy will only spur me on!), giggling with friends, being able to say no to nitrous balloons at a party at the weekend (yay me!), bumping into old crushes, discovering that I'd like to learn how to scuba dive (better start going to the gym and swimming!)

I spent some Saturday lost in epping forest with the boyf but we rewarded ourselves with a couple of pints and a pub dinner (it was meant to be lunch but y'know when there are NO map boards anywhere in the forest it takes a while to get out of it!). It was wonderful to walk through the forest and only bump into the odd cyclist, horse rider and 40 bikers by a road side cafe - I still haven't quite worked out what they were doing there.

Note to self: next time take a map and a bottle of water (and also perhaps Kendall mint cake)

During all the being lost, we also came to a pretty major decision - we're going to move in together. We were planning to wait until after xmas but circumstances are right at the moment. It means no longer living with my ladies and I'm really upset about it but it's time to grow up and leave the nest. We are however, planning to move within the area so I'm sure they'll be lots of visiting!

Another weird thing in my life at the moment is the fact that I have developed a love of english folk music (I'm currently sticking to the young good looking boys - Seth Lakeman and Jim Moray but I can feel the love for the music increasing which is fills me with a wonderfully creepy dread!) Wrong, wrong, wrong.

The darkness is all around...actually I'm beginning to pull myself together a little. The last few weeks however have been terrible. I tend to shut down when I'm depressed and do and say very little (apart from "I'm going to my room to watch CSI" - comfort zones are very important, aren't they?). I have too much on my plate at the minute but I made a ridiculous over the top meal last night (prawn satay as a starter for goodness sakes!) and that always makes me feel a bit better. Also all those CD's that I ordered on ebay are turing up, which is fantastic. Maximo Park, Seth Lakeman and Jim Moray are all sending shivers down my spine. The others are rocking my world (apart from the Futureheads, which makes my head hurt - bloody shouty Mackems!)

Tuesday blues have extended into full on miserableness. No matter what I do things go wrong at the moment and people around me seem to having a bad time of it too. Feeling very down but sitting at the parents surrounded by dogs and watching The Simpsons so beginning to feel a little better...Also I'm spending too much money on ebay CD's. So far I have brought:

Bravery - The Bravery
Hot Fuss - The Killers
A Certain Trigger - Maximo Park
Futureheads - The Futureheads
Antics - Interpol

and bidding on:

Happiness in Magazines - Graham Coxon
Kitty Jay - Seth Lakeman
Sweet England - Jim Moray
Odyssey - Fischerspooner
Howl - Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
Bang Bang Rock 'n' Roll - Art Brut

That should cheer me up!

Got the Tuesday blues like you wouldn't believe...Have you ever had one of those days where everything goes wrong, where you can't get through to anyone on the phone, your email buggers up, you can't fill out a basic VAT return, you have mega healthy snacks and lunch but still somehow remain hungry all day so go and ruin it all by eating crap on the way home, you can't do the IT homework because your computer's a cunt, you only have 2 weeks (and 3 units) to finish the IT course, you fail a basic bookkeeping entrance exam that you thought you had a good chance of passing, you piss of all you friends because you're a miserable cunt, you run a bath to try and cheer yourself up and there's no hot water, you sit in your room listen to miserable songs while the darkness descends around you, you consider running away from everything ("would anyone really notice" says the voice in your head)...I really had too much fun at the weekend methinks...Tuesday blues are awful...

What I did at the weekend:

Friday - my leaving do from the old job which was fun. Certain thank yous which meant a lot, a wonderful leaving speech from the nice boss, a bottle of champagne from the landlady and landlord (wonderful, wonderful people you all must go to The City Darts in Aldgate East - they are perfect!), going to the Pleasure Unit and no-one was there, more champagne, taxis home, lots of laughing!

Saturday - we went to a circus themed club in Bethnal Green Working Mens Club run by Oh my God! I miss you. We got all dressed up as show girls, it totally rocked.

Check out Jessies site for more pictures!

Other things that happened in the age since I last posted:

Jessie went to desert and came back all hippie (trying to steal my crown young lady! No really it's actually really refreshing being around someone actually trying to be positive about things, makes a difference from the darkness in my head today!)

I started my new job - too early I think to say much more about it. I'm getting settled in, trying to get used to how quiet it is working alone in an office some of the time (so different from the last place with 18 staff and millions of participants to deal with!).

Attempting to loose weight yet again (mainly need to sort my health out!). Carla has suggested Weight Watchers but I don't know if I could bring myself to pay to be humiliated (sorry weighed in front of other people!)

Endless bickering and making up with the boyf

Sea kayaking (in a wet suit goddamn!)

My whole family had food poisioning for 6 days because of the place that I took them to for lunch!

Festival season over and done with. I'm too old for that shit anymore, it's just not fun to work for that long if you don't get to enjoy breaks and go and see the bands!

Note to Carla: I promise I won't leave it so long to update next time!

Once again I don't write anything for ages...lots has been happening though. I've got a new job which I'm really looking forward to. It's working for a guy whose just set up a festival and event production company; so a lot of it is setting up new systems. I really feel like I'm going to be challenged in a good way. Also I gonna have to start a bookkeeping course in January and doing a VAT course asap to get up to scratch on that front!

Other news:

Carla got 3rd degree burns at Glasto and hid for weeks but she's back on the circuit again demanding that we drink too much and have load of fun in inappropriate place (The Hilton for one!) Hurrah, hurrah, we love Carla!

Lornie and Yam (the boyf) are holidaying in Greece but she forgot her very important anti-biotics and so had to have me emergency mail them to her hotel!

Jess is almost in the US of A to work at Burning Man, we've had her goodbye from work party, her goodbye from friends party and next week we'll be having the goodbye from the house meal!

Richie is going to Edinburgh with a huge amount of shows - we wish him huge amounts for luck and good fortune - that boy is going to go far...

Helen has become a social butterfly, out every night having lots of fun and waking up every morning with the same statement "I'm so late for work, they are definitely going to sack me this time".

I've had my bag nicked with everything I own in it (trust me to keep a huge sack with me at all times!). Cards, phones, etc have had to be canx. Boring!

Stuff I've done:

Early July

Went to loads of shows at the National Theatre's Connections Festival. Fantastic, those young people really blew some 'professional' actors off the stage!

24th July
Lovebox, Victoria Park

Jess and I managed to get 4 comps tickets from our local community centre and then found out that our festival mates were working it and managed to get a few more tickets. Hel, Jess, Josh, Joe and Reece (who managed to get renamed Trixi at Jess' party!) and partied in the Lost Vaugeness arena.

27th July
Edinburgh preview double bill at Chelsea Theatre:

Bill Hicks: Slight Return and Confessions Of A Jingle Writer

The Bill Hicks thing was amazing, it took a while to remove myself from the "but it's NOT really Bill Hicks" thoughts but once I'd let go and allowed myself to enjoy it...he did it as Hicks coming down from Heaven to talk to us. The set was a mix of old Hicks routines and new jokes about American Idol, Coldplay, Live 8, Bush, Iraq, London bombers, Dennis Leary...all in all very funny and with a serious bit at the end. Go and change the world because I can't anymore theme!

Confessions Of A Jingle Writer was ok, quite funny in places but Tom was just too nervous. Lots of stammering, repeating and not enough content...it took over an hour to tell a story that could have been done in half that time. Also a bit too much of a Dave Gorman "it's my life funny" feel to it!

It's...too...hot...

The ladies went off to Glasto this morning. I really wish that I was with them. Work is too hot and bothersome to cope with. Life is too hot and bothersome to cope with...

I'm looking forward to the weekend though. Dash and Jan are visiting. I'm seeing Patti Smith perform Horses on Saturday night. I intend to eat, sleep and avoid the sun and very little else.

The desks are in but we didn't leave until around 11.30pm last night...the computers went in this morning and IT peeps checked them all and made all but two work (they need some extra bits which are now on order!). Telephones will go in on Wednesday and I'm now going home to rest...the cough is worse, earache is constant and my eyelids are heavy with sleep. I'm going back to bed!

So, here I am at work on an early Saturday morning - cold and flu lemsiping it to the max and trying not to cough on the builders! Hopefully the desks will be in by this afternoon and I can get the first layer of paint done this evening. Then tomorrow will be spent doing a couple more layers and then doing a matt varnish on them (boy/f is helping for the price of a slap up lunch, bless him). Monday will be taken up with IT and telephone guys (my savior's!) and then the new office will be finished. There's bound to be complaints from some staff...I'm really not cut out for this office manager lark. I like to organise things (ok, ok I love to organise things*) but the rest of it...aarrrgggghhhhh!

*as a child I converted my Barbie dream home into a book case and the books were in alphabetical order

The weekend was amazing - a whirlwind of no sleep, alcohol, mushrooms and behaving like a twat. Fantastic fun! I had to see The Bravery - thanks to Carla for carrying the gibbering mess that was me back to the stall afterwards! Missed everyone else due to having fun on the stalls and generally holding Lornie up and keeping her from biting punters.

We got back around 9.30am on Sunday morning and I then slept most of the day. Jessie, Hels and I then order the nicest Chinese take away that I have ever had and watched Batman and Robin (which is rubbish - I knew there was a reason why I hadn't seen it before!). Monday off work was lovely - loads of time to chill and recover fully (and spend some extra special times with my boyf).

Back to work on Tuesday and back to the horror that is work at the moment. I've taken over as an office manager but unfortunately I don't have any real experience of the computer side of things...I'm having a short, very sharp introduction to servers and I really don't like them. I really don't like the attitude of some people in the office either - certain people have been making what feels like personal attacks on me because things aren't working well. I don't actually have control over the drains, the water supply or the electricity supply you fucking idiots! I haven't gone out of my way to cut the water/electricity off in the whole of east London to fuck you up, have I? I'm really not sure what to do about it - in other areas of my life I'd say that I'm a pretty strong, self assured woman but the minute I'm in this office I feel like I can't say or do anything right...

Sam from The Bravery - wrong, wrong, wrong 

Good things about my life:

• Me and boyf being back on track - things are good at the moment
• Frappuccino Light (yummy, esp on hot days like today)
• Festival season starting (I've done One Big Weekend in Sunderland where it hailed for two days solid!)
• Spending a whole weekend with my baby bro for the first time in ages at foresaid festival
• Homelands this weekend with all the girls for Lornie's birthday
• Buying loads of theatre tickets and treating myself to Artist's Dates
• The new and worrying crush I have developed on Sam from The Bravery - see picture above!

Bad things about my life:

• Getting a bizarre, burning reaction on my hands two weeks ago. Woke up with a rash that developed into blisters and vomiting, it's still here and I look like some burns victim
• Being generally disrespected (and shouted at, in front of everyone else in the office) at work
• Crying at work because of the shouting
• Not being brave enough to tell them to shove their fucking job up their asses
• New glasses that hurt my eyes
• The general darkness that is all around - what the fuck am I doing...etc...

Ok, basically I don't post when I'm having a really crap time in my life and as I've been having the whole "oh my god, what the fuck am I doing with my life" thing, I didn't think that you'd be interested. I mean, jesus, I've bored myself stupid over the last 6 weeks.

Fun things from the last 6 weeks:

Went to see Stoning Mary at the Royal Court - really, really good. The repeating of words works really well. I loved the arguments with the voices in their heads made visible to us... Poetic, fast-paced, beautiful. I liked the way they were individual stories but all linked. Literally tears in my eyes at the end - really powerful imagery - I especially liked the blue stone (little things like that always stick with me for some reason...). The writer has been talking about the fact that the stories are based in Africa but transposed to the UK and how we 'don't get it'. To be fair we (the 'west') don't have any real concept of fighting over a AIDS prescription, child soldiers or being stoned to death so it's natural for us to repond to the relationships because that's what we know...

Went to see the Manic Street Preachers at Hammersmith Apollo (or whatever it's called these days!). I really didn't want to but y'know what bugger it, I love 'em! I'm really fucking love 'em - I don't give a shit that they're old and a bit boring these days, I mean I'm old and boring too. I'm not the angry 14 year old that used to shout their lyrics while swigging on vodka and smoking fags and lusting after Nicky Wire...oh, wait I still do that bit...(my truth is that I went for a meal before the gig and was drinking white wine!)

Less fun things from the last 6 weeks

I asked my boyf if he'd like to move in with me in a few months...but for gods sake I can't spend more than a weekend with him and not want to kill him at some point - I'm taking this growing up thing rather too seriously...

I changed my doctor and I'm finally getting treated well. I get really bad periods and I mean really bad. I vomit, I blackout with the pain, I stab random people on the street for looking at me funny (alright, I haven't actually done the last one but I certainly would like to!). My new doctor has changed my medication and is sending me for a scan.

I got promoted, YAY! But I haven't been coping too well as I really have no idea about computers and/or IT. I've been able to blag it before but I couldn't this time. I actually had to ask for...help...yuck!

Things have been a little crazy of late...starting with the wildness of the recent party. I mainly argued with people for the sake of it and got generally annoyed with other people…apparently I was lots of fun but I kinda started thinking about my level of drinking. I mean I do like a drink. In fact, I’m known for liking a drink but it’s beginning to get out of control. If I don’t remember the night before and I literally vomit for 2 day after, then it’s no longer any fun, is it? Here starts the beginning of me trying to be ‘controlled’ in my drinking…


…until Saturday maybe…’cos you can’t do ‘Scope sober…

…no, right this time I really mean it… etc…etc…

Vote for a later tube on Friday and Saturday nights here - lets drag this city into the modern age!

Party update here - I still feel a little bit sick!

Yay! I had to get up early this morning and start off one of our training courses at work...came home shattered to a dozen red roses! Hurrah!

We're currently getting the house ready for our party this evening - I'm a little over excited.

I'll update on the goings on tomorrow!!!

Carla came around last night and we all had a wonderful, yummy dinner and moaned about how we never really go out anymore! I'm in real need of a wild, drunken girls night out at our favourite club Bedrock and we have booked one in for end of Feb (it seems that growing up means that you have to schedule everything including hedonism!). Although we do have another house party before then but being the hostesses it means that you don’t really relax until much later in the evening (and, of course, by relaxed I do mean falling over drunk!).

Things are looking up on the job front – I’ve been offered more money (for more work!) but it’s defiantly what I was looking for and it means that I don’t have to leave just yet…Jessie’s had good news on that front – she will be working at Burning Man this summer (we’re all really happy for her after the jealous spitting finished!)

After some wise words from Jan-Jan and Lee (mum & dad!)
("Darling, if you didn't forgive people you'd have no lovers and no friends", "people make mistakes") I met up with the boy/f yesterday and we've laid down a few groundrules...and things are back on. Hopefully it'll all be ok! I'm certainly feeling a lot more positive about everything at the moment. I was great to have the parents down although I haven't seen them much because they've been sorting out my grandparents old shop but we managed to arrange me visiting Hastings in a couple of weekends and for them to visit London again in mid-Feb.

Today I'm planning to clean the house a little and then go to play badminton with Helski!

I am worth $1,660,820.00 on HumanForSale.com - should I be offended that my mates are worth more???

melodramatic, moi?

Boy/f front has changed again – he came round drunk and after some bad behaviour from me (after being woken up and laughed at!) he launched into an hour-long intimidating bullying session, which pretty much consisted of him shouting “CUNT!” in my face…not sure where we stand now. Morally, I shouldn’t take him back under any circumstances…emotionally, I miss my fucking boy/f. Taking him back however, would validate his behaviour, which cannot be allowed…
On the work front things are getting worse…I feel that I have been systematically belittled since I joined and after 2 years and 4 months I was at the point of believing that I can only do a job that a school leaver could do…but after a couple of recent comments (including “didn’t they teach you anything on that course of yours?” – a two year Arts Management course (!) and “you should maybe put these students details on a database” – what? Really? Thanks I hadn’t thought about that! and being told that I should spend “more money on clothes” – hello, some months I don’t have enough money to eat, let alone buy new clothes!) anger has got a hold of me and I’m thinking about fighting back. I have complained to the Board before but to no avail and I’m now at the point where I have to decide to either ask for a pay rise or leave. Much thinking is in order.

Hyperventilating! I can't wait!

The last few weeks have been pretty tumultuous - I have decisions to make, as those of you who know me I find this quite difficult at the best of times...I need to think about my job. I have a wonderful job, I'm rarely really bored (although there's only so much admin a girl can do without loosing the will to live!) but I really don't feel like I'm being pushed enough in the right directions. I constantly fire fight and have no time to think constructively about or plan for the future...the company has been in a particularly difficult period so I have been not asking for a pay rise, not rocking the boat but we're still in this 'difficult' period over a year later and I'm beginning to feel stuck. There's a more senior job going which some people in the office have suggested that I go for but it's an awful lot of work for not much money (although so much more than I'm on now!) and I'm not sure if it's the right direction for me to take. It was great recently meeting up with my best friend from school (finally off tour and settled in one place for a while!). She reminded me that all I wanted from when I was 14/15 was to have my own theatre, producing my own productions, etc. It was nice to be reminded of this dream and acknowledge that I am on the right path but there's so much more that I need to grab for with both hands!

On the relationship side I have been with the boyf for almost 1 and 1/2 years now and we've both been pushing the boundaries of the relationship - good behaviour is out of the window! This has however led to an understanding that we do want to be together but we both need to spend some time sorting out our 'careers'!

Friendship front - I had a lovely evening at the Turkish Baths with Helski and Jessie on wednesday. It was really good to catch up and have a good old girly bitch and scrub down!

This weekend the boy/f is coming over for a quiet Friday night (this month is frugal beyond belief), Saturday we're going to meet his sister for a wander round Brick Lane and Spitalfields Market and on Sunday (if I have money left!) I'll be attending the wonderful Chris K's birthday meal and visit to the cinema!

This holiday season I have mainly:

- spent xmas day with boy/f (a wonderful day!
- received lots of lovely presents (although loads of grown up ones - is this a hint do you think?)
- had housemates families visiting (thanks to Jessie’s step dad for fixing everything in sight, thanks to Helski dad for joining in with our face pulling on the tube)
- a quiet new year with Lucy, Kev, Jess and Helski (boy/f turned up later) - full of champers, food and best friends - all you need from new year really!
- Jessie’s b/day - a stroll along the south bank, the snow slide at Tate Modern (I took photos at the bottom!), a pub, a meal at The Stockpot and homemade birthday cake
- bought a new camera phone
- bought a plug in sega and so have been playing Sonic the Hedgehog 2 obsessively for the last week
- thought a lot about what I want from 2005 - I spent a lot of last year being unhappy about various things and situations that I allowed myself to be put into...I'm not planning to let that happen this year

Resolutions include:

- to do more home baking
- to pass 1st degree in wicca (I bought a lifetime membership to Witch School in a hope to encourage this)
- to cycle more (and so far I have cycled to and from work twice - including in the rain!)
- to have more leisure time (or at least use it constructively)

p.s. my mobile phone is buggered so any of you trying to call me will be out of luck!

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of events - lots of xmas parties and too many mince pies!

I've just waved goodbye to Lornie (off to Spain), to Hels (off to Bournemouth) and Carla (off to Liverpool). They are all away for xmas and Jessie goes on Friday morning; so the boy/f and I are going to be alone for xmas. I'm beginning to look forward it now - although at first I was very worried about it...sure it'll be coolio! I don't get paid until Friday so I'll have to go out and buy his presents then - still not sure what to get! Looked for designer t-shirts today, nothing...might have to rely on foodie presents! Overall, I've been a bit skint this year so friends have all had home-made chocolate truffles for pressies - they're really yummy! However, now everyone I know is making them!

Well, the housewarming party was amazing...didn't finish until gone 9am the next day! The standout moments were:

• Lovely presents from Fiona and Boosh (coffee candle burning and the tapestry up!)
• One rather drunk young man pissing himself (naughty!)
• Removing myself and boy/f from the party quite early on be rather dirty in my bedroom (don't worry, the door was locked!)
• Mickey having to be removed from my breasts numerous times (the e'd up little bugger)
• Standing inbetween a hard man and a tranny (y'know if you put tranny through the spellcheck it comes up with tyranny - how apt!) and telling them both to grow up and behave because they were really annoying!!!
• Lornie's Little Will (yay!) gurntastically having loads of fun
• Jess swigging on a bottle of brandy at 6am in morning
• Jesus, the hangover all of the following day

Sunday, having almost recovered the boy/f and I went shopping in Stratford (and got very little apart from food). We then came home and boy/f cooked a lovely meal (chicken - but I got a mushroom version) in the left over mulled wine - yummy!

Apart from that I've been doing loads of homework (with Lucinda from works help!). Although I'm now at college and blogging instead of doing my work - silly boo!

At the weekend I went to a friends birthday at Garlic & Shots and as I walked in I came across an adorable young man who I haven't seen in ages. We once spent a memorable night together in my bed when we were both in our teens, freezing to death (my parents house in Newcastle had no heating!) waiting for a micro dot to work. It never did...I have very fond memories of him and can't wait to see him again!

This weekend I'll be busy hosting a training course for work. Should be fun though as an old work colleague is doing it (one who I ended up out until 5am with the other week!) and a new work colleague is helping me host. Of course, I'm also hoping to learn a lot too!

I've almost sorted out my room at home and have written a rather obsessive list about all the other things that need doing in the rest of the house. I'm hoping to have them all done by 13th December because Hels and Lornie are back from South Africa then and it'll be great to have an almost finished house for them to come back to (plus it gives me a deadline to work to!)

I also sorted out my housewarming for the girls - keyrings with 'Mile End Rats' engraved on one side and their initials on the other - I hope they like them (I adore mine!)

So far this week I have:

Bought 3 new pairs of shoes (1 plain black dolly shoe, 1 dolly shoe with red butterflies on, 1 pair of slouchy black boots)
Stayed out till 5pm on a work night drinking lemon liquor in a Fashion St flat with a couple of ladies from work/ex-work and some ungodly young men.
Done a 20 mins micro-teach session as part of my City & Guilds 7302
Bought 2 pashminas (1 red, 1 black - all occasions covered!)
Got excited about our house warming
Drunk far too much
Talked to mates I haven't heard from in ages

YAY! YAY! YAY!

House warming party tonight - the house is beginning to look sorted, the fairy lights are up, my feather boa is hanging on the door (this is the crowning glory of any room I move into - the point I know that I am unpacked!), the invites have gone out, the beer/wine/vodka is being bought this afternoon...can't wait!!!

Whoop, whoop!

So, that last entry was bloody depressing wasn't it?

I'm feeling better, pay day has been and gone...I'm late at work waiting for Helski to turn up and us to drop our stuff off at the new house. We're finally moving in tomorrow (at last!). The last 5 weeks have been stressful and emotion filled. There were a few rough patches with the boy/f while we got used to living in such a close proximity, lots of tears, missing of best friends (who were all over the other side of London or visiting relatives and friends), the dark circles are still around my eyes, dealt with illnesses (of my own and other peoples), I haven't mediated, no exercise, writing of lists and plans of what I'll do "when I move in", I met the boy/fs parents (who are lovely!), got so drunk at a colleagues leaving party that I slept for the whole weekend following, went to see Antony and the Johnsons (beautiful, beautiful, beautiful), listened to the new Manic Street Preachers album (online only, still haven't got around to buying it...), worried, got angry at boy/fs housemates (it's so difficult to be nice all the time especially when people are weird and obsessive!) - blah, blah, blah - I'm just looking forward to going back to my own room and to be surrounded by my own things! Can't wait to see my wonderful ladies again (I'm even looking forward to seeing Jessie in the mornings!)

I feel so rundown at the moment. I'm actually being looked after really well by the boy/f and Carla but after almost three weeks in strange beds my back is beginning to ache and I'm really bloody tired. The dark circles are taking over my face...and I'm literally drinking rescue remedy by the bottle.

I'm missing my ladies so much that I could cry...

I've run out of money...(I've been living off Jessie's bill money which I'll have to pay back out of my deposit, when it bloody comes!)

My blonde roots are showing really badly...

Work is suffering because I keep having to hold back bloody tears...

I'm currently skiving from my college course because I haven't done any of the work and am really worried about getting it done...

I really can't wait to move in to the new house, to have a room of my own (and bed!)

I suppose that I should write a bit about what's going on in my life re: the homeless situation...we got the house that we went for (YAY!) but we can't move in until early November so we're sofa surfing at the moment. I've spent a week at the boy/f's snapping and bickering - I adore the boy but we have trouble living together in a small room with a single bed and a sofa chair to sleep on! We're both so used to doing our own thing...so I'm currently staying at Carla's some nights and his on other nights. I'm getting very little sleep and I'm slowly running out of clothes (in fact I ripped my trousers today so I look like a real pikey!) so instead of going out tonight I'm going to Carla's putting on a wash, having a shower and going to bed. There's dark circles under my eyes, I'm sleeping on public transport and I'm yawning almost constantly (not giving a good impression at work). Just 2 and 1/2 more weeks of it though!

Via Darian

...copy the list on to your blog, put in bold the ones you have listened to (completely from begining to end) and then add three more albums that you think people should have heard before they turn into their parents - remember, it isn't necessarily your most favourite albums but the ones you think people should listen to... and when we say listen we mean from track one through to the end...

If you put a link to your follow-on post in the comments of the site where you found it, the chain will be trackable. Maybe!

1) Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band - The Beatles
2) London Calling - The Clash
3) Blood Sugar Sex Magik - Red Hot Chilli Peppers
4) Think Tank - Blur
5) This is Hardcore - Pulp
6) Moon Safari - Air
7) Elastica - Elastica
8) Never Mind the Bollocks Here's the Sex Pistols - Sex Pistols
9) OK Computer - Radiohead
10) The Kiss of Morning - Graham Coxon
11) Ziggy Stardust and The Spiders from Mars - David Bowie
12) The Wall - Pink Floyd
13) Setting Sons - The Jam
14) America Beauty - The Grateful Dead
15) Toxicity - System of a Down
16) Train a Comin' - Steve Earle
17) Folksinger - Phranc
18) Come From the Shadows - Joan Baez
9) Bat out of Hell - Meatloaf
20) The River - Bruce Springsteen
21) The Very Best of Joan Armatrading - Joan Armatrading
22) Copperhead Road - Steve Earle
24) (What's the Story) Morning Glory - Oasis
25) The Fat of the Land - The Prodigy
26) Suede - Dog Man Star
27) Kylie - Impossible Princess
28) Michael Jackson - Thriller

29) Antony And The Johnsons - Antony And The Johnsons
30) Apoptygma Berzerk - Welcome To Earth
31) Pachelbel - Canon

Ok, ok the last one is a piece of music that's on loads of collections but it's the most beautiful thing in the world...I used to live with Michael (ex-Catholic Priest, gay, over 5o!) and Jessie and this was our 'song'. We used to listen to it lying on our grotty living room carpet and let it wash over us.

Antony (recent toured with Lou Reed) has got a voice of an angel. There's certain notes that hit you right in the centre of your being and tears just fall because you ache so much...I've listened to the album millions of times but it still gets me every time. I actually have knots in my stomach and tears in my eyes just thinking about it. I'm actually going to see him on 2nd November - god knows how I'll react when he's singing the flesh!

Apoptygma Berzerk - Welcome To Earth reminds me of the worst time of my life so far. My finance and I were going through a very bad time (in fact we split up not too long after I started to listen to this) but I still think that it's an amazing album. It mixes synth-pop and trance and works (so many don't...).

It's been really hard not to put down the albums that are my favourite or those which I know shaped my life (Generation Terrorists - MSP, Stone Roses - Stone Roses, any Smiths album, Pixies - Doolittle, any Bob Dylan, etc, etc the list is actually endless).

We have to move out of the old place by Friday but we've managed to sort out somewhere to store all our stuff, which is such a weight off our minds.

Also, we saw the perfect house for us last night. You could literally feel the love flooding out of the house when they opened the door (bloody hippy!). The current tenants have really enjoyed living there and we got on with them really well. They are moving out on Saturday but there are a few repairs to do so it'll be a few weeks before it will be available.

One 'minor' problem is that another group of people like the house too. The landlords are going to meet both groups on Saturday which is a really good idea, seems really wonderfully personal that they want to get to know who is living in their house (makes much more sense than the money grabbing lot that we've dealt with in the past!). Jessie had to write an email to them this morning explaining who each of were and why we'd like to live there. She copied us all in and our general bit read like this:

"We are a very close group and have been living together for three years. Boo and I went to uni together and Lorna and Helen have been best friends since they were young. We all met through mutual friends and hit it off immediately. We have lots of fun and enjoy going to gigs and going clubbing. When we're not out, we love cooking big meals for lots of friends and chatting over a few bottles of wine. We like to go on holiday together and have visited friends in Turkey, Madrid & Brussels. We also usually take a holiday in Spain at the end of the summer to relax."

Which basically makes us sound really, really cool! So fingers (and toes) crossed for us on Saturday.

Massive thanks go out to all the friends that have offered us spare rooms/sofas to crash on etc.. It really makes you realise how important good friends are. So many people would (and have) been straight on the streets with little/no support and no idea how to get any support. We're all really lucky that we have so many wonderful friends.

I know, I know...but this time I have a really good excuse for not updating!

We may be homeless by the end of next week (due to landlord putting house up for sale, us putting in our notice, a huge fire next door that smoke damaged our house, landlord taking house off market and immediately renting out to other people with a huge rent increase, us not being able to afford anywhere at the moment due to silly students paying well over the odds....blah, blah, blah...).

We've been seeing lots of awful, overpriced properties but the one that topped the cake recently was on where Jess actually put her foot through the rotting floorboards, they wanted £360 a week...

So, before all of this happened I was having a relaxing holiday in Spain. Well, it didn't start as relaxing...I'm terrified of flying so I'd taken some of Lornie's diazepam. My panic was only slightly held under control by the fuzziness of the pills...I was distracted on the plane by a lovely woman who gave me and Jessica scones and sweets. Which made us very happy!

2hrs later we're in the heat of Spain waiting for Lornie and Carla to pick us up...I hastily change into my flip-flops...they arrive, we drive to the Villa. My first time in Spain, I look out of the car at the arid, brown, landscape. The mountains are fantastic. We eat and then swim in the pool at dusk, and to bed to prepare for the following week.

Most memorial things from the holiday:

Geckos join us...wherever we are.

The wild waves at Javier/Xavier beach, we swim out to a slide in sea and dive deep into the water.

I turn a beautiful brown...

The ladies being kicked off the karaoke (Champagne Supernova doesn't only have one chorus!)

Ice-cream shop in Moraira (pine nut ice-cream and fig ice-cream, I LOVE you!)

Saxo's nightclub (note to self: when drunk don't go to nightclubs where English people that you dislike at home are getting drunk and trying to fuck each other, also avoid expensive drinks and the bull fighting video footage...)

Reading Chit Lit (it's really like a drug, you know it's wrong but you can't stop...there should be meetings for this sort of thing!)

Getting to know Ms. Parr better, you fucking rock!

In fact, you all fucking rock - I had a brilliant time! Let's book next year now (well, as soon as we've got a house sorted out anyway..)

I know, I know..it takes me ages to write anything on here but I haven't got internet access at home and work is a bit hectic at the mo!

So since I last wrote I had two weeks off during which I did everything I planned to (see July 14th entry!)

There was a fire in the house next door to us. Quite late at night. Jess, Shaz and I were the only ones up and we had to run around waking everyone else up and getting them out of the house because the smoke was really bad. We had to wait on the pavement nearby for over 4 hours while an huge number of fire engines tried to fight the blaze. A huge panic for us all which we got over by lusting over the firemen...I've never seen the attraction before but y'know when they save your life...

I had a break in Cumbria with work...doing teambuilding exercise, it’s a three-day event of trust work alongside developing new skills. Our time was well spent bonding...actually, mainly I got wet in the rain, wet in the lead mine, wet on the walks, cold in the bed and I almost drowned too. Well, I say almost drowned, what I mean is I was in a small boat with Shelley in the middle of a lake, not able to 'steer', with no tutor and with a large steam boat making its way towards us...I didn't panic though. No, not me - I said in a very loud, posh voice "Shell, I'm really not enjoying this anymore!" What larks! All those childhood games being part of Swallows and Amazons didn't help at all...God knows what will happen if the Famous Five games didn't sink in and I come across smugglers at the seaside or thieves on the moors!

From Cumbria I went straight to V2004 to work on Herbal Highs, Oxygen Bar, etc. Really, really good fun - I only managed to see The Pixies...we managed to drink the alcohol that was meant for the whole weekend on the first night...and have to many herbal highs...and Hels managed to fall off a chair she was dancing on and fall onto a plug...into her heel (it's an inch and a half deep!).

Last weekend I went to Reading Festival Jess and I had got VIP tickets for the Saturday 'cos there was a line up we couldn't miss. Lorna, Hels and Carla were working on the Vodka Jelly stall so we stayed over on the Saturday night. Carla's had a new man there - the lovely Liam, he was lots of fun and we all bonded with him (mainly by throwing things at him and shouting his name to be fair).

From the bands, I saw a bit of Razorlight (Libertines-alike, really good fun), New York Dolls (er, no-one wants to see that...I love the music though), a bit of The Roots (boring jazz stoners), Franz Ferdinard (rocking but very quiet), The Libertines (OH...MY...GOD...I am so in love with Carl!), Morrissey (me alone in a field with lots of other people alone and we all knew all the words...wonderful, wonderful, wonderful), The White Stripes (Jeeesus, Jack White....he even looks good with a goatee). I then went back to the Vodka Jelly stall to find that Jess had started a B-Boy circle and there were loads of people around demanding Dizzee Rascal! So we all went onto drink too much, snort too much (although I managed to say no - I had the worst cold and I wasn't gonna make it any worse) and down to many vodka jellies!

Jess and I slept in the van with one cover between us (which Jess stole and wouldn't give back!) and managed to get up in the morning and open the stall...we were meant to go as soon as everyone else got up but we ended up drinking more whiskey and beer and not leaving until around 6pm...the train home was wonderful until Staines when some horrible little brats got on and were really loud (one laughed like he was weeping - what a little git!).

Got home on Sunday evening where I was joined by the young man, that's all going fantastically too - horribly in love still I'm afraid. We just had our 1 year anniversary for which he got me the biggest bunch of flowers and a bracelet and we went for the nicest meal...

We got the photos back on Monday evening and they are fantastic - literally all the girls hanging from the rafters of the stall!!!

Next Monday we go to Spain to stay in Lornie's parents villa for 10 days - can't wait! Lots of relaxing, swimming and general girly-themed fun! Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!

So, my 2 weeks off work were fantastic. I will do a bit more of an update soon however, I'm now off to Cumbria. A work-based adventure week in Cumbria...those of you who know me personally will know that this isn't the sort of holiday I should be taking - I should be by the swimming pool relaxing with a cocktail (alright, cocktails) and then going to the nearest city for cultural visits!

From Cumbria I'm going straight to V2004 - which I'm really looking forward to. There's a really cool gang working it...should be lots of fun...

Update soon, honest guv!

You Met The Libertines And . . . . by luvmymets
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Peter had to restrain himself from	sticking his tongue down your throat.
Carl reached into his pocket and gave you	a picture of Pete in a compromising position.
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Gary asked you to	do the Hustle.
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I had an argument with the boy/f on Sunday - our first big, non-drunk argument that is (in 11th months that's pretty good!). Basically we hadn't done anything all weekend and lots of things we're said...about me. The fact I don't want to see his mates, that fact that I don't want to do anything at the weekend, that I don't come over to his house and that I'm always tired. some of these are fair enough comments, I am always knackered at the weekends...'cause I work bloody hard during the week. However, that fact that I don't go around to his is that he has a single bed (and anyone that knows me is aware that I don't fit into a single by myself let alone with someone else too!)..anyway, he's got a single sofa bed now which means that I can start to spend more time there. I then say I'll come over to his on Monday night and he says "nah, I'll come to yours" - bloody men!

Blah, blah, blah.

I have two weeks off work and broadband has been cut off at home so it'll be quite for a bit!

Plans for the next two weeks:

Visit grandparentage
Go to a leaving do for a work colleague
St Martin in the fields concert (if I can wangle freebies)
Go to The Libertines exhibition at Proud Camden
Go to Bournemouth
Go to a posh do at a posh hotel (free drinks and nibbles)
Go to Godskitchen Global Gathering

Lots of fun!

OH. MY. GOD. Philip's new play Moonfleece was amazing...racism, homophobia, right wing political parties, distorted childhood memories, princes, dragons, sparkles...I love his writing so much. Telling 'fairy' stories that reflect the 'real' story...so beautiful.

Big Gay Out was great! We didn't leave the stall all day and I got visited by loads of ex-Ticketmaster people and well as loads of mates - fantastic day!

Richie and I went to see Cruel and Tender at the Young Vic on Tuesday which has been called 'A superb emotion-charged performance' by The Guardian..but I disagree there were some interesting ideas, some okish acting but on the whole it was pretty dire. No energy on stage at all and when Amelia went mental and covers bed, props, etc in blood I didn't even draw in a breath...it was so boring...all actors dropping lines, they also seemed quite lost on stage, as if they hadn't been given any direction at all and didn't know where to stand...perhaps we caught them on an off night but to me it was possibly one of the most boring pieces of theatre that I've seen in a long time (and I've been to WEST END MUSICALS!!!)

One thing in its favour was that it has now added the action of *rubbing shards of cut glass into my hands* during painful moments into our lives...the action of committing hari-kari was a left over from boring uni lectures and it was getting a little dry and over used.

Wednesday was much better - Discontented Winter: House Remix by Bryony Lavery at the National as part of their Shell Connections season ("the world’s leading youth theatre programme producing quality new writing for and about young people"). It was fantasically funny, brilliantly acted and a great night out for only £6!

Yesterdays play, however, Dead End by Letizia Russo was very strange...about a group of young people worshipping a new God, their actions and a fight to be the new God...and souls were bouncy balls...err, ok...so afterwards we needed a drink. We went up to The Vibe Bar on Brick Lane 'cos my mate from work, Bid was DJing (no, sorry, 'playing out'...how cool am I?). Lots of drunken fun!

Tonight, it's the new Philip Ridley play Moonfleece. I'm so excited...and managed to convince the boy/f to come along (had to bribe him with dinner before hand!)

This weekend will be spent cleaning the house. The landlord called and let us know that he was putting the house on the market and that we had two months notice to quit...so anyone know of a 4 bedroom house in the East End near to the N25 bus route do let me know!

So, of course I got too drunk at the meal and had to get up the next day really early...it was worth it though. I got to the festival to be told that I wouldn't be working with Lornie and Carla but with Pat on the temporary tattoo stall. I was a bit disappointed at first but then once I'd been introduced to Pat and shown how to do the spray painting tattoos I adored it! And Pat really knows how to do a festival in style...her own private toilet, an inflatable double bed (!), fridge full of cocktails and food galore! Phillippa (the other person on the stall) and I were treated like Princesses! I am never slumming it at a festival again!!!

Apart from that over the last couple of weeks I've seen The Exception and the Rule by Bertolt Brecht and The New Tenant by Eugène Ionesco as part of the Young Vic's Direct Action season. The Exception and the Rule was pretty dire but The New Tenant was fantastic. Really witty.

Went to see The Soldier's Tale at the Linbury Studios with Damaris which was also fantastic.

I went on a massive girlie night involving quite a few Kir Royals , then into town for FREE jugs of cocktails X2!, and then onto Bedrock...we ended the evening magically aquiring a midnight feast which we ate most of on the night bus home!

The next day I video'd a friends play. I was meant to be getting close ups but I had a stationary tripod so it was an absolute bugger - literally had to shove it about...managed to get a few good cut aways though...I then went on to see Cardboard Citizens New Music Ensemble perform at Shoreditch Church. The Chris' and Richie turned up to watch too. It was a really moving performance. I do like contemporary music - you can almost meditate to it (and during the boring bits think about things like shopping lists etc!). Afterwards we met up with the boy/f and we all went for a nice curry on Brick Lane.

I had a week off work, spent a couple of days in Hasting with parents and grandparents...shopping in Bexhill charity shops...coming back to London, doing boring shopping, spending the day with Courts, Lornie Lucy, and baby Grace.

Weekend plans - maybe trying the new Xfm club tonight and working Big Gay Out on Saturday...Sunday recovering!

Next week - theatre almost every night!

YAY! YAY! YAY!

Whoop! Someone dropped out of doing the Download Festival this weekend on the Vodka Jelly/Herbal High stall so I'm filling in!

Hurrah, my first festival of the summer! Can't wait, should be really fun (although last time I did Download I think I saw about 2 bands!). Although it does mean getting up really early tomorrow and getting in pretty late on Sunday night (I have taken monday morning off because as my boss put it "ok - i presume u will be no use anyway after a weekend on the vodka jellies").

Reminder to self: don't get too drunk this evening having curry with mates...DON'T get too drunk this evening having curry with mates.

Half-inched from Darian





You are Taki -

Admired for your style and fresh approach to life, you are the Japanese femme fatale!
Deceivingly innocent, you are actually a devil in disguise. You love to show off, but behind that
flamboyant and sometimes uncaring personality, you definately care for and stand up for your friends.
Just one flaw, you can be annoyingly hyper and bouncy!! However this can be just what a friend needs
after a boring day.

Which Soul Calibur character are you?


this quiz was made by david park

Bloody hell, I was doing a media deprevation week as part of The Artist's Way thingy that I'm doing and the only thing that I didn't break it with was blogging (telly on day one, radio at work, etc).

One thing that's been a great tool on The Artist's Way is you have to write down 50 things, people, place that make you happy in your life at the moment - really good for assessing what you really enjoy!

Because of the course I have also learnt the sign language alphabet, joined a short Spanish for Holidays course and am enjoying walking to work again (and sometimes without headphones plugged in at full volume!).

It's also pushed me enjoy myself in other ways. There's a thing called artists dates - basically two hours to yourself each week doing something 'creative and fun'. So, I've been to exhibitions by myself instead of waiting for a mate to go with me and then missing them, listened to concerts at St Martin in the Fields, been to see The History Boys at the National Theatre. I've also been seeing friends - outside those at home! Damaris for the Cecil Beaton exhibition and apple crumble at Cafe in the Crypt . Darian for a catch up on his blossoming porn career over Brick Lane Curry. Last night at S&M Chris' for 4 episodes of Angel season 5 and pizza.

Next week I have Tenebris' new play and Lornie's birthday dinner. Should be lots of fun especially as Lornie's been ill. She was in hospital with Kidney Infection and is now recovering at her parents in Bournemouth...

The company I work for is involved with the Ten Feet Away festival. It's the first major week-long festival of arts by homeless and former homeless people, running from April 13th - 18th at the Union Chapel. There's films, theatre, music, free refreshments and internet cafe throughout the festival. Have a look at the art that has been loaded onto the website here. I went to the launch on Tuesday night with Richie and Chris K - really interest some amazing art upstairs and performances downstairs. If you can get down there I would - only £2.50/£5 for an evening full of fun!

And, of course, Jessie and Courtney got kisses from Pete Libertine and they got a pint from Carl Libertine - FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!

Had a lovely Good Friday...stayed in my favourite lazy pj's all day (ghost bottoms from Old Navy, New York - YAY!) and watched telly ( The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe, the Jungle Book and Mary Poppins) and worked on my artists way stuff. I'm finding the morning pages quite hard work. It's the exercise of writing 3 pages...stream of consciousness when you first get up. I'm very much a non-morning person and find it difficult to talk before that first mug of steaming hot coffee so the thought of writing is very hard. Of course, Julia Cameron would just say that this is my inner critic trying to stop be being creative! Some of the other weekly tasks are interesting though, kinda looking at your life, your past and thinking about how things have effected your approach to your own creativity...

Today I had lots of plans to go and see some art but cleaning and bad weather got in the way and Jessie's mum was visiting and then Lucy, Kev and baby Gracie came around to visit!

I should really be going to see The Libertines tonight at The Coronet in Elephant and Castle for the Don Letts night but instead I checked my bank balance and there is no way I can afford £15 for the ticket and buy drinks in there...I fucking hate being poor...

Although next month I will be making sure I have enough money for the brand spanking new Morrissey album at the moment of release! Am so over excited, the new single is just fantastic...

Well, well, well after many a moon with no serious clubbing (and when I have gone out it's been boring!) I finally managed to go out to Candy Box and have a damn good time. Didn't get home till well gone 5pm and I really should still be bed recovering but, no at work, feeling pretty rough...still no work tomorrow. I plan to stay in bed for the whole day - hurrah!

Saturday was spent tidying Grandparents house as the occupational therapist is coming to view it with Granddad today...it was ok doing it with a big gang of us. Although it was quite depressing there were good bits of the day - finding birth certificates, wedding certificates, Granddad's CV and old photos was really interesting. It was really hard seeing him in the hospital though...he's going a bit loopy in there and we can't wait to get him out (nor can he, he keeps trying to escape!).

Me and girls went for a Turkish (and Russian) Bath the other week up at York Hall. It was amazing. We got taken under the wing of a loud, bossy Turkish women who covered us in this soap that we had to leave on for ages, rinse off and then she scrubbed us into oblivion - undoubtedly removing any dead skin and I'm sure the top layer of fresh skin. The whole day did wonders for all my skin bar my face, which has become a spotty and itchy rash-themed playground (that may have been the heat though).

Whats does your personality rate from 1-10? by morning_prayer
Your first full name
Your personality rates a	12
your best quality is	you dont need friends
your worst quality is	you get depressed sometimes
this is because	Its who you are
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

This is fun - although you kinda see how little I've seen the UK (bearing in mind I've ignored the places I've toured to 'cos you only really see the venue itself! So it's places I've lived and visited for a longish holidays).

I've visited the counties in yellow. Which counties have you visited? made by marnanel map reproduced from Ordnance Survey map data by permission of the Ordnance Survey. © Crown copyright 2001.

Spent today doing accounting catch ups for work - boring you'd think but it's actually been really fulfilling!!! Can't wait for tomorrow to finish the whole accounting year!

Once again, I leave it ages to write in this blog - I don't seem to be doing as much as I used to! Clubbing is pretty much down to a bare minimum, family is a bit hectic at the moment - Granddad in hospital (and been trying to break out!), we've decided to start getting rid of the business (which both Grandparentage have been working in full time...Granddad was 80 last year...Nana's been ill on and off for the last few years - crazy Maloney stubbornness methinks!). Things with the young man have been going very well - he's even invited me to meet his parents over (*vomits*).

Work as always is pretty hectic...

Otherwise recently I've decided to start swimming twice a week - but of course have only managed once a week...I do feel much better for it though (although I walk to and back from work - 90mins solid walking it doesn't seem to have made a jot of difference to my health!). Started doing the Artist's Way at Work. I started the Artist's Wayages ago and never quite got into it but hopefully this time I'll complete the 12 week programme. It's very much about clearing your 'blocks' replacing them creative productivity. A bit of a head spring clean!

Went to see The Pillowmanat the National Theatre on Saturday night - really fantastic bit of theatre. I love dark, brooding plays with a lot of humour in them! Literally laughing out loud during some bits and then suppressing the urge to leave in disgust at others.

There's so many plays that I want to see at National at the moment but you really have to trawl through and find those £10 tickets!

I LOVE the Libertines!!!!

Bugger, bugger, bugger...you know when you do something that you really regret...I really shouldn't be allowed a phone when I'm drunk. The boyf hinted that my housemates may have got me something for my birthday that I'd told one of them I didn't want (so after a very short amount of time I came up with tickets to the Libertines...).

So, being terribly rational way (yay, whatever) texted them in Madrid (on a holiday that I couldn't afford or take time of work to go on - so feeling a bit left out anyway). Pretty much been a bitch...I LOVE the Libertines, I do want to see them again, but I also want to see all my friends and my boyf on my birthday...but I got into a majorly weepy moment about the fact my housemates never listen to me...etc.

Also a very busy week at work, I feel over at the beginning of week and have sprained my ankle, loads of people have cancelled for birthday drinks on Sunday (one or two I can understand but loads - that means that no-one likes me, right?) and as you may be able to tell by my totally rational and un-psychotic behaviour, I having the worst period of my life.

Blah, blah, blah...fuck it. When I fuck up, I tend to do it spectacully!

Well, as Darian (Hey, Mr. Porn Star) says in true Boudicca fashion, I have written nothing for ages and now I'm going to list endlessly the things I've been doing!

Rocky Horror was ok, managed to get up and sing/dance along without too much embarrassment...it actually fact, it was quite good fun (and bumped into Darian - YAY!)

Errrr, haven't actually done too much else...invited boy/fs mates to The Museum of Everything at the Drill Hall, a comedy evening (which involved an old school mate of mine, Danny Robins - have a look at their website for more info- they really are very funny indeed!). I invited them because the last time we met (at boy/f birthday meal) things didn't go so well...in that, one of my best friends used to go out with boy/fs best friend and they were both there...and the other friend just didn't seem to like (as we know I'm fantastic and adorable, so fuck knows what their problem was). Anyway, making the effort, I invite them out to something I know that they'll like. Do they turn up? Nope. Bastards (I can feel the bile rising as I type).

Ooohhh, there was a 31st birthday which went well until boy/f got too drunk and almost started a fight with an ex-marine...he really did suffer badly the next day though!

A major girly day on Sunday 8th. Up to Ruislip (see how far we are willing to travel for food) with Carla, Lornie and Jessie for a major slap-up lunch.

Valentines went very well indeed...spent most of the weekend in bed only to rise for food and lager.

Oh, god, yes the major news of the recent times - Lucy and Kev have had baby girl. Grace Arthurs born around 7am on 15th February with lots of reddy brown hair, bluey green eyes and 6lbs something. Welcome to world, little one xxx