After some wise words from Jan-Jan and Lee (mum & dad!)
("Darling, if you didn't forgive people you'd have no lovers and no friends", "people make mistakes") I met up with the boy/f yesterday and we've laid down a few groundrules...and things are back on. Hopefully it'll all be ok! I'm certainly feeling a lot more positive about everything at the moment. I was great to have the parents down although I haven't seen them much because they've been sorting out my grandparents old shop but we managed to arrange me visiting Hastings in a couple of weekends and for them to visit London again in mid-Feb.

Today I'm planning to clean the house a little and then go to play badminton with Helski!

I am worth $1,660,820.00 on HumanForSale.com - should I be offended that my mates are worth more???

melodramatic, moi?

Boy/f front has changed again – he came round drunk and after some bad behaviour from me (after being woken up and laughed at!) he launched into an hour-long intimidating bullying session, which pretty much consisted of him shouting “CUNT!” in my face…not sure where we stand now. Morally, I shouldn’t take him back under any circumstances…emotionally, I miss my fucking boy/f. Taking him back however, would validate his behaviour, which cannot be allowed…
On the work front things are getting worse…I feel that I have been systematically belittled since I joined and after 2 years and 4 months I was at the point of believing that I can only do a job that a school leaver could do…but after a couple of recent comments (including “didn’t they teach you anything on that course of yours?” – a two year Arts Management course (!) and “you should maybe put these students details on a database” – what? Really? Thanks I hadn’t thought about that! and being told that I should spend “more money on clothes” – hello, some months I don’t have enough money to eat, let alone buy new clothes!) anger has got a hold of me and I’m thinking about fighting back. I have complained to the Board before but to no avail and I’m now at the point where I have to decide to either ask for a pay rise or leave. Much thinking is in order.

Hyperventilating! I can't wait!

The last few weeks have been pretty tumultuous - I have decisions to make, as those of you who know me I find this quite difficult at the best of times...I need to think about my job. I have a wonderful job, I'm rarely really bored (although there's only so much admin a girl can do without loosing the will to live!) but I really don't feel like I'm being pushed enough in the right directions. I constantly fire fight and have no time to think constructively about or plan for the future...the company has been in a particularly difficult period so I have been not asking for a pay rise, not rocking the boat but we're still in this 'difficult' period over a year later and I'm beginning to feel stuck. There's a more senior job going which some people in the office have suggested that I go for but it's an awful lot of work for not much money (although so much more than I'm on now!) and I'm not sure if it's the right direction for me to take. It was great recently meeting up with my best friend from school (finally off tour and settled in one place for a while!). She reminded me that all I wanted from when I was 14/15 was to have my own theatre, producing my own productions, etc. It was nice to be reminded of this dream and acknowledge that I am on the right path but there's so much more that I need to grab for with both hands!

On the relationship side I have been with the boyf for almost 1 and 1/2 years now and we've both been pushing the boundaries of the relationship - good behaviour is out of the window! This has however led to an understanding that we do want to be together but we both need to spend some time sorting out our 'careers'!

Friendship front - I had a lovely evening at the Turkish Baths with Helski and Jessie on wednesday. It was really good to catch up and have a good old girly bitch and scrub down!

This weekend the boy/f is coming over for a quiet Friday night (this month is frugal beyond belief), Saturday we're going to meet his sister for a wander round Brick Lane and Spitalfields Market and on Sunday (if I have money left!) I'll be attending the wonderful Chris K's birthday meal and visit to the cinema!

This holiday season I have mainly:

- spent xmas day with boy/f (a wonderful day!
- received lots of lovely presents (although loads of grown up ones - is this a hint do you think?)
- had housemates families visiting (thanks to Jessie’s step dad for fixing everything in sight, thanks to Helski dad for joining in with our face pulling on the tube)
- a quiet new year with Lucy, Kev, Jess and Helski (boy/f turned up later) - full of champers, food and best friends - all you need from new year really!
- Jessie’s b/day - a stroll along the south bank, the snow slide at Tate Modern (I took photos at the bottom!), a pub, a meal at The Stockpot and homemade birthday cake
- bought a new camera phone
- bought a plug in sega and so have been playing Sonic the Hedgehog 2 obsessively for the last week
- thought a lot about what I want from 2005 - I spent a lot of last year being unhappy about various things and situations that I allowed myself to be put into...I'm not planning to let that happen this year

Resolutions include:

- to do more home baking
- to pass 1st degree in wicca (I bought a lifetime membership to Witch School in a hope to encourage this)
- to cycle more (and so far I have cycled to and from work twice - including in the rain!)
- to have more leisure time (or at least use it constructively)